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Wake Me Up When September Ends

There are many ways to lose a child. Some die from terrible illness. Some in tragic accidents.Some are murdered senselessly. Some die in war.

My child died by his own hand. The death certificate states it bluntly. Self-inflicted gun shot wound.

I found him. As horrible as that was, to me it seemed right that I should be the one. I bore him. I loved him most. It spared someone else the horror.

I'd like him to be remembered for the way he lived and not for the way he died. He was a wonderful son. Gentle, kind, loving, sensitive, helpful. He was bright, well-read, educated, hard working and successful.

He was a wonderful brother. Thoughtful, fun, giving, caring, involved, and so proud of his younger brother and sister. He taught them so many things, how to catch frogs and tadpoles. How to fish. He took them on hikes in the woods and taught them to identify footprints and wild flowers.He read them stories and went to their elementary school concerts.

He had demons. Alcohol, manic depression, over-sensitivity, negative thinking, and abuse from an older cousin that I never knew about until he was twenty. He desperately tried to overcome those demons through treatment and therapy. He finally lost the battle. He finally became overwhelmed--and no longer in his right mind, he took the only route of escape he could see.

My life instantly became divided into two parts.Before and after. This year in September it will be twelve years. I dread September now.

At first my mind insisted on going over and over events, conversations,interactions--struggling to piece it together. To make some sense of it, to understand why. Gradually, I gave up, knowing that no answer would ever be found. My mind went over and over my failings, what I should have done, should have said. I read many books and came to realize all suicide survivors deal with these feelings.

A mother never gets over it. A family never gets over it. Time does bring some measure of peace.

I sit at the pond and talk to him. I feel his presence there. It was our special place when he was alive. He loved the pond. We sat there together nearly every day feeding the fish. He bought me koi as birthday presents every year and he stocked the blue gills the first year the pond was dug when he was twelve. It is my sacred place where I go now to visit with him.

I am thankful that I am a spiritual person.  I am thankful that I truly do not believe that death is the end of our journey. I don't know exactly what happens next, of course, but I know he still exists in some form.

Living has wounded us all in one way or another. This is my deepest wound.

 

 

datura datura 56-60, F 78 Responses Sep 5, 2008

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....... :'(

I know how you feel. I lost my son. He was in a car accident but that's not what killed him. The hospital gave him to forms of medicine that he was HIGHLY allergic to. I like the song because it really says along to me and how I feel. It came out June of 2005 and was one of my sons' favorite songs & group. Well, my birthday is at the end of September, and Michael (my son that died) was really the only person that remembered it. I can relate to the song it really explains how I feel since he pased in Dec. 2008 (he was only 20).

I am very sorry for your loss, and like you, I do not believe death is the end. Maybe someday, somewhere, youll see each other again. Blessed be!

To all of you,<br />
<br />
I hug all those who have lost a son, a brother, a friend. I too lost my brother 14 years back. I died with him. I am not alive any more.<br />
But I dont agree with you who say that people take their own life due to depression. The truth is that depression is brought about by another person or persons. Always, another person is responsible for somebody's suicide.

As someone who is suicidal, let me tell you something: You're not guilty.<br />
For your words, I see you were a wonderful mother.<br />
<br />
I love my mom and dad... and I have clearly stated they're not guilty... that I wanna commit suicide because of pain and fear.

I am so sorry. I was close to suicide myself and didn't because of my mother. Now I am a father and my son seems destined to revisi the demons of my early life. I can only try to help as I can and hope for the best.<br />
<br />
The death of a child must be as horrible a thing as any.

Oh, the heart ache you have endured. I am so sorry. I feel for you. And I understand. What you tried and did, and how devastating it must be to lose someone to their demons. All the *if onlys* . We lost someone to a drunk driver. It was my granddaughter's fiance, and my great granddaughter's father. And she goes through it even now after nearly five years." If only I had asked him to bring me a coffee from Tim Horton's he would have been there later". And so on. So I know about the if onlys. Bless you.

Indeed you are not alone D , not allowing yourself to consummed by greif in all its forms,you have aquired the wisdom to see that he is with you when you need him to be .....

I am so sorry for your loss. <br />
I will remember your son whenever feeling hopeless. <br />
You speak of such tragedy with such beauty & grace. <br />
I, too, am a member of this group. <br />
My son died on the 20th of September as an 11 week, three day old infant nearly 14 1/2 years ago. <br />
I do not know you, I... am just horribly sorry that we are members of this group for similar experiences. I dread the end of summer every year.<br />
It is pure hell to lose a child under any circumstance. Your reality is the deepest fear of any parent. <br />
As previous comments say, you are amazing! Your strength is an inspiration to many and if ever you need someone to listen or to cry with, I am with you. <br />
I am so, so sorry about your son. <br />
May Peace find you and know that your experience has saved a life. <br />
A million hugs to you!!

I am sorry, but my immediate reaction is to look up the cousin who abused your son, & beat his a**.<br />
I know this does nothing, And is immature, but that is how I feel right now. I do apologize if this post causes you any dismay.

Your story touched me, I'll admit I may not have the right words to say, but I feel like I should at least give it a shot. I couldn't imagine the amount of loss you must have felt and still feel. They say that time heals all wounds but I still think wounds like this must leave at least a scar. I wish I had words to say but I have never been in such a situation like that before. The only suicide attempt in my family happened before I was even born. I don't know how I would respond to something like that, I can tell that you must be a very strong woman, much stronger than I think I would be if I were to experience something like that. I commend you for having the strength to carry on and to share your touching story. I hope you find some solstice in the conversations you have with your sons' spirit by the pond. I am sure you will see your son again. Thank you for sharing your touching story.

I can't say I understand what you feel because I have never lost a child. I have however seen the pain from two friends I was very close to that have lost a child. My heart goes out to you over this.<br />
I wish I could give you peace or some kind of understanding, but sadly nothing I can say will help ease the pain or the sense of loss you feel especially during Sept. Both of my friends that I mentioned go through deep depressions twice a year missing their love ones.<br />
I wish I could give you a big hug. I hope you find the peace and regain your loss in the afterlife.<br />
<br />
Your friend<br />
BlueGeorgia

Thank you for writing this. Thank you from my heart. I needed to read this tonight, this week, this month. I wish I could help your hurt.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. My son, my firstborn, also decided that leaving us was his only real option. The "what ifs" and "what more could I have done?" still haunt me well over a decade since the event.<br />
<br />
I hope you are able to find the peace and understanding I still am seeking.

Your son was a beautiful person. Thank-you for sharing this painful part of your life. May you one day only have peaceful memories of him during September. X WG

Sweet sister....may God's peace that surpasses all understanding be w you...God bless...

It's nice that you can feel his presence at the pond.I'm sure he is grateful that you come to talk to him,I know my friend who also passed away is that I talk to him.Your son sounds like he was an amazing person.You are making him proud every day by continuing to live.Just stay strong,and somewhere,he is smiling.

My heart bleeds when I read such stories and I just want to say I am sorry you have lost a son (I love my children as much as you have loved yours - and cannot begin to think if that happened to me how I would cope. hugs and kisses "from another mother"

My 13 year old son killed himself last Sept. 14, 08. He shot himself in the head. Like you, I found him and was glad. It was only right that I should be there. I was his mom. I used to love september.

wish I could take away your pain :(

My heart goes out to you. Although I cannot truly feel your pain, nor do I ever want to, my soul hurts with yours. I lost my precious husband on November 24th 2004 and it still seems like yesterday to me. Everyone tells me, "you should be over it by now" , "you know you have to move on" , "you know he wouldn't want you to be so sad" , "time heals all wounds" , "It will get better", and right now, the most painful of all is "How are you doing?". I want to scream, "I don't know how I'm doing or who I am or what this is all about" My entire life went with him. He was DELIBERATELY killed by the doctor who was suppose to try to save his life.<br />
<br />
So I do know true soul pain and I'm so thankful to see that there are other people in this world who love so deeply that nothing can take their pain away.<br />
<br />
I hope that your precious Son will come to you in your nights travels and I know he will be with you every inch of the way through what's left of your life.<br />
<br />
Please write to me anytime and take good care of yourself.<br />
<br />
Hugs & Blessings,<br />
<br />
LKRK

~~I'd like him to be remembered for the way he lived and not for the way he died. ~~<br />
<br />
That says it all. What a beautiful and loving tribute you've given to him. A mother's love is true, it is unconditional, and it is everlasting. This story should be preserved as testament to that fact.<br />
<br />
Thank you so much for sharing your son's story. It will stay with me for a long time, and in that way, through you, he has touched other's lives.

Datura, I had no idea you'd been through something like this. I've read quite a bit of your other writings and they all show what a positive, happy person you are. I'm really impressed that you can be after such an experience. So sorry to hear there was such sadness in the life of a sweet soul like you.

im so srry for your loss. and i just recently lost my grandpa. he was the only one i had when i lost him i thought of every way to committ suicide but now i no wat to do.<br />
<br />
Lexx Lou

Do you remember the story of Freddie Prinze who played in 'Chico and the Man'. He was 22 when he shot himself. just previous to shooting himself he called his mother and said, "Mom, I love you very much, but I can't go on. I need to find peace." <br />
I heard people say, "He went to hell because he committed suicide." <br />
I started praying because it didn't make sense to me that this hurting young would go to hell. While asking God about this I got a vision in my mind of the young man being held on God's lap and rocked. Then I heard God say in my mind, "Some people are too weak to endure the things of earth, so I bring them on home."<br />
The good die young and no one seems to understand why. Its to save them from the evil days ahead. Jesus said to the thief on the cross, "Today you will be with me in paradise."

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. Revelations 21:4<br />
<br />
It's that verse in the Bible that encourages me to know that death is never the end of the story. September is also a month of tragedy in my family. The sound of September will never have the sweet ring it once had. <br />
<br />
I've learned a lot these past few months about suicide, and the one common thread I find is that the survivors never get over it. I find that it's a mixed blessing that we are not alone in this circumstance.<br />
<br />
I hope you find peace and comfort among your family and friends...

What a powerful and poignant story.<br />
The world has indeed suffered a great loss. <br />
I sincerely hope that time will bring you peace. My deepest sympathies.

hi. thank you for sharing. <br />
<br />
I lost my 14 year old son to an auto accident in 2003. Only faith and true friends helped me through. I have just hung his photo in the entrance to my home and I see his image at least ten times every day, when I leave and return and when I go to the kitchen.<br />
<br />
He was doing hotel management and catering at school and would cook at least three time per week, so it was extremely hard at first to go in there to make something to eat.<br />
<br />
I lost 10 kg in the first year after he passed. Glad to say that the weight is back now and I remember, mostly, the great times we had together.<br />
<br />
I find peace in my memories of him and the pain of losing him has mostly subsided. <br />
<br />
I wish you peace, happiness, grace, comfort and joy in your memories and in your healing.<br />
<br />
cheers<br />
<br />
b

This is very sad. I'm not even sure what to say. I'm sorry for your loss. You must be very strong.

He was a wonderful son who now lives in your heart and memories. I cannot begin to imagine the pain you have experienced over the last years; everyone has to deal with grief in their own way.<br />
<br />
I can tell you this. You have to remember the good days, the good times, and the laughter. If you dwell on the past you will not be here in the present for your other children. I can say this because I too have a son who is gone - just not dead. My son - at the age of 18 - decided to walk out of my life and he has never looked back.<br />
<br />
Death of a loved one is painful, brutal, guilt-ridden, and can reverberate into all your other relationships. But you have to remember, everyone has their own choices to make - sometimes those choices are just wrong.<br />
<br />
Please lavish your love, time, and energies on the relationships that are surviving. They are hurting also and need you to remember them.

this made me cry,<br />
your a very strong woman.

Your story is heartwrenching, but i thank you for telling it. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

If I were you I'm afraid the "older cousin" would receive a reckoning. This would not do any real good, except to train the older cousin that there are repercussions for evil deeds.

Thank you to all of you who shared such kind and loving thoughts on this story this year. It was very meaningful to me.<br />
For all who shared about a similar loss or shared about living with depression and feeling overwhelmed, my heart goes out to you all.

For anyone who has loved and lost someone important in their lives, my heart goes out to you and all that you have endured. **HUGS**

Hello - I do not know who you are, but we share common ground.<br />
<br />
February 5, 2009 will mark 8 years since I found my brother after he had shot himself. This was the single most worst day of my entire life. I could never wish this even on my worst enemy.<br />
<br />
It's never something you "get over." It's something you live with. It becomes a part of who you are for the rest of your life.<br />
<br />
My love goes out to you.

I'm really sorry about your son. He sounded like an amazing person and I feel great sympathy for you. *Gives you a ginormous hug* And I believe he's still here too.

I can't even begin to imagine someone being insensitive to this. Your story just made me cry......<br />
<br />
Hugs<br />
BASS

I am not easily moved by the stories of strangers, but yours made the tears flow like a river. I suffer from manic depression as well and have often found myself considering the same path. Reading your tale of heartbreak and loss has finally opened my eyes to what I would be doing to those around me. Thank you so much for sharing your story, and I'm sure if my mom were on EP and read it, she would thank you too for bringing on this moment of clarity for me. I am truly sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss- my mother's sister took her life when she was 16 and my mom 10, now my other is in her 50s and still misses her sister very much- she used to cry anytime she thought of her sister.<br />
<br />
Ten years ago my mother had a dream, her sister was in it, smiling, telling my mom to stop crying and that she was okay now, she was going to a happy place.<br />
<br />
It gave my mom peace, I hope one day you can find peace too.

my eyes are wet with tears as i write this. your pain is unimaginable, unspeakable. i can't begin to grasp what you must be going through. losing your child at any age is the worst loss anyone can have. you have known the worst you will ever know in your lifetime. it's past September now. it's November. i will pray for you, and for your dear son, who is in heaven with God. i'm so sorry for your loss.

Thank you for sharing your story and heart felt pain. Maybe we can help each other. I understand your son -becuz I am there. I understand you becuz I have a child. I hope u understand that he never meant to hurt anyone BUT himself n he must have really been in misery being here. To him, that may have been in his mind the only way to have peace -probably the most restful peace he had had in a very long time. For that, how can people blame him? they dont get it unless they feel that kind of misery. I have waited and prayed for my time to come naturally -n it hasn't. I can feel myself being pulled more n more in that direction -despair, the feeling its not getting better n i will always feels like this. The thoughts keep creaping up more n more. "Just go to sleep in the garage." "Is there a way to make it look accidental." My child keeps me here -n yes, there are even sick times that I think we can both just sleep n he would never know -we just wouldn't wake up. No pain for my child either. In reality, I quickly force those thoughts away. But fear is setting in as to if I can keep fighting it. I am seeking help n hoping it will help becuz I am afraid of what will happen if I dont. Sometimes life is really too difficult to bare. Suicide is just a way to end the pain. It is horrible that it has to hurt SO many other people in that process. But at the same time, it is good becuz it stops those like myself from actually going thru with it. Still barely hanging on here....

So many words of love and caring have already been written for you! I can only add...My heart goes out to you! {{{{{HUGS}}}} :-)

May you be peaceful.

Two years ago my nephew committed suiside by shooting himself in the head. Our family is very close and my nephew and i spent alot of time together. His mom, my sister are also very close. I will call him "at peace". At peace also had demons he was addited to drugs, depression. I do know his favorite person in the entire world was his mom. They were very close. At peace was 23 years old. So young to be so lost. I believe he now is at peace. No longer does he have to suffer from pain and turmorial. Three days before he died i took him into town to get truck parts. It was a happy day. Before i left i hugged him and told him i loved him. I hold onto that with all my heart. Its hard but it has torn to my sisters soul. She is constantly broken with missing him. I have four children and i cant imagine losing one. Especially by their own will. But please no this i know your beautiful son and my nephew are both in heaven. And some glorious day we all will be together again. I bet heaven is so wonderful and knowing the boys are there happy and at peace brings some comfort to me. Your a beautiful mom and my prays and thoughts are with you.

you have my deepest sympathy I also believe you will allways have him to talk to and you should always believe that you did all that you could for all your children and love the living and the dead the same<br />
GOD bless you

I am going through some of the things your so went through.<br />
You have to realize this was his battle,not yours.

It sounds like the world has lost a beautiful person! However, sometimes the only thing that gets me through is to belive that the person I love had learnt their lessons for this life and now is at peace prior to being given a chance to live their life again. My thoughts are with you and my hopes that you will remember him as he was - L x

I send my deepest appoligies for yout loss. I beleive that he is with you and does still love you very much. I know that you have probably heard this a thousand times but my respect and hope goes with you. Be safe.

I know how these anniversaries never grow easier...I learned this from my mother who lost her mother at a very early teenage year. You are not alone. My prayers and tears are for you in a very positive way right now.

Offering peace & love....

datura, thank you for sharing. If I didn't know better, I would swear your words came from my mom.<br />
It will be 12 years, in January, since she lost her youngest child, her only son and my brother.<br />
While his death certificate does not state it so bluntly, or clearly, he committed a slow type of suicide. He was an epileptic who started having grand mal seizures at the age of 16. He was also a child with Hyperactivity Attention Deficit Disorder, before most people had ever heard of it, so it went mostly untreated. He was the son of an alcoholic father and a co-dependent mother.<br />
My brother had a good heart and would never knowingly hurt someone. <br />
School became too much for him and he dropped out.<br />
He had a handful of jobs, but none lasted more than a few months, usually because he would go through a bad spell of seizures and not make it to work or scare his employer, who would fear he would hurt himself on the job.<br />
<br />
He made many trips to the emergency room because of his seizures, they never seemed to find the right combination of medicine that would stop his seizures without sapping his energy or will to get up off the couch. Life became a lot of unpleasant work for him to live it.<br />
<br />
He would drink, though the doctors told him drinking was likely to bring on a seizure. He didn't sleep or eat well. He moved in and out of my mom's house many times.<br />
<br />
On 1/26/1997 he was sleeping on a friend's couch, they had been up late the night before playing cards and drinking beers. It was Super-bowl Sunday, but the game was more than halfway over before his friend tried to wake him up for the rest of the game. His friend called 911, the coroner said he had been dead for hours.<br />
<br />
When the toxicology report came back, he had some alcohol in his system, but what was most telling was what he didn't have, no trace of the anti-seizure medication he was suppose to be on.<br />
<br />
I requested the medical records from our local hospital and discovered he had been non-compliant about taking his medicine for at least 2 years. At best, he took it sporadically, which showed in the increased emergency room visits.<br />
<br />
I think he was depressed and had not found any joy in living life, for a long time. It became too difficult. too trying for him to continue, so he didn't take his medication and sometimes he drank, knowing what would happen in the end.<br />
<br />
Like you, my mom questioned everything she had ever done or not done in connection with my brother. She asked me a few times if I thought my brother had gone to hell. Of course I didn't, I thought he had lived through his own version of hell and he was at peace, he no longer had to struggle, he was experiencing joy.<br />
<br />
TY again Datura, I will share your story with my mom.

dear Whocaresanymore, I can't contact you personally because of your age.I am so glad that you read this story today and that your mother did the nice things. Let these events be a real sign from the universe to you. I don't want your mother or any mother to go through this.<br />
<br />
An act of suicide cannot be taken back obviously. It is final. I know of so many people who made an unsuccessful attempt and have a happy life now, and are so glad they failed.

You have my sympathy - I lost a child (an infant, premature, who just wasn't strong enough) The short time he was here left me with that longing to know him better. That was 31 years ago. He would be a good stong man now . . . Your son is in a new place. Death is just one more door that has to be opened in our existence. A dear friend and counselor of mine agrees with me that out of any tragedy some good must be found. You seem to be finding that good. Keep at it and know there anr thousands and probably millions who pray for you every night. I had the thought that perhaps your son and mine sit somewhere now listening to both of us. Your son turns to mine and says: "I can't wait till they get here - we will have our hands full explaining everything to them." God bless - keep smiling. Tim

p.s., I hate death certificates. They are so cold and blunt. If I were in charge of the world, my death certificates would be full of love, not just heartless. I know it's a peice of paper, but it's actually so, so much more.

There have been many times I have thought about suicide and planned on it. And everytime I am so close to doing it, somethings stops me. Like these stories, or my mother doing something very nice for me, or something that is just out of the ordinary amazing.<br />
All three happened today.<br />
First of all, I come on and see this story, which I know is the final straw for myself of thinking about doing it.<br />
Secondly, I come home from school today and on my bed is a bottle of arizona [my FAVORITE], sour skittles, and a 72 pack of tampons [inside joke in my family]. All to celebrate my September 19.

Wow. Not being a mother, I cannot even begin to comprehend your grief. The closest I have ever come to such empathy is reading Barbara Kingsolver's _The Poisonwood Bible_. However, I have lost a grandfather, an uncle, and a dear childhood friend (also known as a dog) to demons similar in terribleness to those of your son. That said, all I can give (though I wish to give more!) is my deep hope that you will find more of the peace and semi-comfort which only time can bring.<br />
<br />
I, too, believe that your son still exists upon a different spectrum of life and energy. And I am so happy that you can still feel his presence!<br />
<br />
As the others have said, you are a very strong, courageous, and inspiring individual. I thank you very much for sharing this part of your life with Experience Project. :)

Three years ago, my great friend, Nic, hanged himself.<br />
<br />
He was the most thoughtful, considerate friend.<br />
He'd do ANYTHING for a friend.<br />
<br />
When he became ill, those of us who loved him tried our best to help him.<br />
<br />
Two years his illness went on, during which time, he constantly harmed himself, lost his temper with his mother, Carol and drove away his wife and daughter.<br />
<br />
In the three weeks before his suicide, he seemed to be getting better.<br />
<br />
The afternoon of the day he hanged himself, my husband met him on the street. <br />
My husband said that he, Nic, seemed much more positive than he had in months.<br />
<br />
It was Mothering Sunday.<br />
<br />
He and his brother had taken their Mum, Carol out to a fancy restaurant for a meal, they'd gone to see Carol's mother in her nursing home.<br />
<br />
Nic had had a huge bouquet of flowers delivered to Carol, with a card saying,' Thanks for everything. I love you Mum.'<br />
<br />
His brother and children left around eight in the evening.<br />
Soon after, Carol took the cups etc from tea to the kitchen.<br />
Nic said that he had something to sort out in his room.<br />
<br />
Ten minutes later, CXarol, having finished the washing up, thought Nic had been unusually quiet.<br />
<br />
She went to the bottom of the stairs and called up......No answer.<br />
<br />
She thought that Nic had his music on loudly in his room, and couldn't hear her.<br />
<br />
She went up the stairs, meaning to knock on his door......<br />
<br />
She found Nic hanging from a beam in the loft.<br />
<br />
Not, as most people would assume, dangling from the beam, legs swinging in the air.<br />
<br />
He was, as most hanging victims are, on his knees, his face blue, his eyes and tongue bulging.<br />
<br />
My husband & I think so often that we should have KNOWN that Nic was palnning something.<br />
<br />
All we saw, though, was that he seemed better.<br />
<br />
Not a day goes by that I don't think of Nic and think that his calm that final day should have alerted me to his TRUE state.<br />
<br />
We cannot go on blaming ourselves for what we didn't see.<br />
<br />
Your son, my dear, made a decision.<br />
<br />
No-one will EVER understand why he did that.<br />
<br />
I wish I could tell you that it gets easier.<br />
<br />
All I can say, my dear, is that the pain DOES lessen as time passes.<br />
<br />
You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Unfortunately, I understand your pain. My mom put a gun to her head in November of 2004. As I read your story, I got teary eyed thinking of how overwhelmed I felt after flying in to another country for my mom's funeral and all the emotions of anger, sadness, confusion, guilt, denial etc were the only reason I was able to sleep. Her suicide was also caused by depression (which runs in our family) that was brought on by my father's physical and emotional abuse towards her. She had attempted to take her life countless times before. She lived on all kinds of medications (which I am against) to go to sleep, to wake up, for anxiety, for depression, for pain, etc. It was ridiculous all she was taking and my sisters and I all know that she was definately not in her right mind when she pulled that trigger. She didn't deserve what she had to live with. She was a wonderful friend, a giving person and a loving mother. She cared about everyone and never judged anyone on anything other than their personality. She had an amazing, sarcastic sense of humor that I always loved and also inherited. I thank the heavens for the qualities I learned from her because they are what make me the person I am. <br />
I became spiritual after that loss of a piece of my heart and I also believe she is around my sisters and I all the time. We all feel better knowing that someday we will see her again. The only good thing that came out of this tragedy is that I no longer think of suicide. I have three kids and I know how I felt losing my mommy. I would never want to do that to my kids. I believe that everything happens for a reason and although this wasn't supposed to happen, it did and we are left here to deal with it. How we do it, is entirely up to us. <br />
November will be here soon but I will not hate it. I will love it and remember all the good things about my mom. Of course my heart will be aching. I wouldn't be human if it wasn't.... but I will not be angry, confused, feeling guilty or denying what happened.<br />
You have his pond and that is a wonderful thing, but even without his pond, you would have found something that would have helped you get through.

i have been told im a good listener, i offer my support.....*hug*<br />
<br />
GOD bless

I particpated in a walk called Out of the Darkness a few years ago. It's a group focused on helping to prevent suicide. When I got there the "walkers" were asked to take strands of colored beads - one each to represent each person they were walking for. Each color stood for a different type of relationship, a father, a brother, a friend, a son.<br />
<br />
I picked 4 strands. One each for my father and my father-in-law. They both committed suicide. Then I picked two more. One for my brother and one for my husband. They had both attempted suicide. I walked outside the tent feeling a little blue but as I looked around I saw all these people with white strands of beads (mine were gold, red, blue & orange). I suddenly realized....these were the people who had lost a child. In comparison my losses and challenges seem so small. I'm not sure I could survive losing either of my sons to suicide.<br />
<br />
You are an amazing and inspiring woman. I'm not sure what happens when we die but I hope on some level you'll recognize a rejoining with this wonderful son of yours. Until then live in peace.

I particpated in a walk called Out of the Darkness a few years ago. It's a group focused on helping to prevent suicide. When I got there the "walkers" were asked to take strands of colored beads - one each to represent each person they were walking for. Each color stood for a different type of relationship, a father, a brother, a friend, a son.<br />
<br />
I picked 4 strands. One each for my father and my father-in-law. They both committed suicide. Then I picked two more. One for my brother and one for my husband. They had both attempted suicide. I walked outside the tent feeling a little blue but as I looked around I saw all these people with white strands of beads (mine were gold, red, blue & orange). I suddenly realized....these were the people who had lost a child. In comparison my losses and challenges seem so small. I'm not sure I could survive losing either of my sons to suicide.<br />
<br />
You are an amazing and inspiring woman. I'm not sure what happens when we die but I hope on some level you'll recognize a rejoining with this wonderful son of yours. Until then live in peace.

I can't begin to imagine what you must have gone through, and what you're still going through. Your son sounds like such a wonderful person; so caring, friendly and loving. I am also spiritual, and I certainly believe he's still with you and your family. Keep believing in what ever you believe. One thing I believe is that once they die, they sort of evaluate their life with guardian angel(s) and are refreshed- know that I believe he has found happiness and still loves you and the rest of your family, dearly. <br />
Best of luck for the future, stay as strong as you are now, we're all with you :)

I feel for you. I have not lost a child, but I did lose my brother because he was an alcoholic. He did not take his own life, but he did decide not to drink anymore which is what took his life.<br />
It was nine years ago on the 26th of August. <br />
You are right, it doesn't get any easier. I can't think or talk about him without breaking down. <br />
The moment I was told that he was gone a part of me died. So I know what you mean when you say there are two parts to your life, before and after. <br />
I know I will never be the same, but I try to use every chance I get to become better and stronger from this. Like helping others in my position.<br />
I will never forget him or get over not having him here anymore.<br />
There is one thing that I do know for sure. I feel him with me, I talk to him, and I believe that he speaks to me with the music that we shared together.<br />
You and your son share the pond and the fish.<br />
I believe that they are both with us and that they are healing where they are now. <br />
Who knows, maybe they have even met where they are since they were both dealing with some of the same problems here on earth.<br />
Know that you are not alone and if you ever need to talk please contact me. I would love to speak with you.<br />
Sending love and peace to you.....

I feel for you. I have not lost a child, but I did lose my brother because he was an alcoholic. He did not take his own life, but he did decide not to drink anymore which is what took his life.<br />
It was nine years ago on the 26th of August. <br />
You are right, it doesn't get any easier. I can't think or talk about him without breaking down. <br />
The moment I was told that he was gone a part of me died. So I know what you mean when you say there are two parts to your life, before and after. <br />
I know I will never be the same, but I try to use every chance I get to become better and stronger from this. Like helping others in my position.<br />
I will never forget him or get over not having him here anymore.<br />
There is one thing that I do know for sure. I feel him with me, I talk to him, and I believe that he speaks to me with the music that we shared together.<br />
You and your son share the pond and the fish.<br />
I believe that they are both with us and that they are healing where they are now. <br />
Who knows, maybe they have even met where they are since they were both dealing with some of the same problems here on earth.<br />
Know that you are not alone and if you ever need to talk please contact me. I would love to speak with you.<br />
Sending love and peace to you.....

Datura, my heart goes out to you I can understand how your son's death is with you every single day, I am glad there is a place where you are able to be with him. <br />
<br />
I thank God that my son never reached that point but was helped by his mother and sisters to accept that he was not well. He now leads a pretty normal life and holds down a good job.

Datura,<br />
Having turned 60 this past August, I was feeling a bit sorry for myself for never having experienced the joys of fathering children. I looked back over my life, with a combination of anger, sadness, and a broad collection of "What ifs"? <br />
After reading your deepest thoughts, I was snapped back into reality. What was I thinking? I thank whatever gods there are for my life, and those with whom I surround myself. My thoughts and prayers are with you. To have a "Sacred Place" may not only ease your pain, but give you the strength, solace, and grace to ( perhaps one day) understand that horrible tragedy.

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))<br />
<br />
I'm crying, that is a terrible heartbreaking experience and you have made it beautiful emotional experience for all to read. <br />
<br />
You have given a heartbreaking experience and yet I believe that he is still with you too. Will always be till you met again.<br />
<br />
You are amazing and I so admire you and how you handle life.

It must have taken a lot for you to share your deepest wound with us but I am very glad that you did. <BR><BR>It is an incredibly sad story and I can't help thinking of you sitting with your memories by your pond .<BR><BR>I can only send you lots of love.

dear datura, loosing the love one is always hard and no one can get over that,you right the best way to deal with that is to be spritual and beleave the sprite lives in another form and i beleave he is in form of his brother and his <br />
sister closer than ever to so you can smell him ,kiss him ,hug him and feel him, <br />
so wont wast a moment and let him heel your wound with there presants and make shore they feel the same.<br />
i susggest enjoy the time ,every minute of your life with your love ones now when they here becouse end will come for everyone,i know as spritual person you shuold know death is part of life so when the time come you be stronger. <br />
<br />
<br />
BE STRONG

Thank you for sharing your deep sorrow, & your deep love, for your wonderful son, with us. The sensation of a hole that I have in my chest right now must be a pale pale hint of what you must have had to carry. I know that part of your strength and beauty comes from a bond, still very much alive, with your son. <br />
<br />
I know that our gut-wrenching blows can change our lives forever. I know that its up to each of us what we do in response. It is clear that you are bestowing the love you both shared outward like a living spring of deep presence. I honor you and I am grateful to feel the refreshing mists of this spring. <br />
<br />
[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[ Datura ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]<br />
<br />
There is obviously nothing that can touch your loss or your grief. And I will hold both of you in my heart whenever I hear that song about 'When September Ends'.

(((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))<br />
<br />
There is no way one can get over a loss like this. No way.<br />
<br />
Datura, you are the most amazing person i know. The respect i feel for you can not be described in words. You went through the biggest heartbreak a person can go in this life and yet you remained a loving, encouraging, pilar of strength for everyone around you. You are an inspiration. A true living example, that trusting and relying on our source is the biggest aid on this human journey.<br />
<br />
You and your son will meet agian at the source. Till then he is with you every step of the way..smiling, no doubt.<br />
<br />
Love and light to you, sister.<br />
You are in my prayers.

I am not convinced that prayer has any significant meaning, but just in case, I will pray for you this month.

I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss and humbly respect your unwavering courage and spiritual strength as you continue your life journey. Peace and love, friend.

Datura, you have my deep sympathy.

Your son is with you everyday and he will always be there for you, watching over you. <br />
*Sending you unconditional love as I write*

Datura I'm so sorry for you. I too can only repeat what has already been said.<br />
<br />
(((hugs)))

Datura, I can find no better words to express my feelings than those written by TheUnsolvedMystery.<br />
<br />
Remaining spiritual in the face of such adversity such is beyond my realm of possibility. <br />
<br />
It's an honor to be your friend. <br />
<br />
Namaste

I believe he exists as well. Also, I don't think there's a deeper wound than a mother losing her child. -hugs-<br />
<br />
And you're right in my opinion. Life has wounded or will wound us all in one way or another. <br />
<br />
Lastly, I just want to say that this story has shown how wise and strong you really are. When I finished reading this, I felt inspired in a sense. You've carried such a deep wound and managed to be one of the most peaceful, supportive, and fun persons as far I know. There's no doubt in my mind that your son is smiling at you right now. You're truly are a beautiful person.