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Wake Me Up When September Ends

There are many ways to lose a child. Some die from terrible illness. Some in tragic accidents.Some are murdered senselessly. Some die in war.

My child died by his own hand. The death certificate states it bluntly. Self-inflicted gun shot wound.

I found him. As horrible as that was, to me it seemed right that I should be the one. I bore him. I loved him most. It spared someone else the horror.

I'd like him to be remembered for the way he lived and not for the way he died. He was a wonderful son. Gentle, kind, loving, sensitive, helpful. He was bright, well-read, educated, hard working and successful.

He was a wonderful brother. Thoughtful, fun, giving, caring, involved, and so proud of his younger brother and sister. He taught them so many things, how to catch frogs and tadpoles. How to fish. He took them on hikes in the woods and taught them to identify footprints and wild flowers.He read them stories and went to their elementary school concerts.

He had demons. Alcohol, manic depression, over-sensitivity, negative thinking, and abuse from an older cousin that I never knew about until he was twenty. He desperately tried to overcome those demons through treatment and therapy. He finally lost the battle. He finally became overwhelmed--and no longer in his right mind, he took the only route of escape he could see.

My life instantly became divided into two parts.Before and after. This year in September it will be twelve years. I dread September now.

At first my mind insisted on going over and over events, conversations,interactions--struggling to piece it together. To make some sense of it, to understand why. Gradually, I gave up, knowing that no answer would ever be found. My mind went over and over my failings, what I should have done, should have said. I read many books and came to realize all suicide survivors deal with these feelings.

A mother never gets over it. A family never gets over it. Time does bring some measure of peace.

I sit at the pond and talk to him. I feel his presence there. It was our special place when he was alive. He loved the pond. We sat there together nearly every day feeding the fish. He bought me koi as birthday presents every year and he stocked the blue gills the first year the pond was dug when he was twelve. It is my sacred place where I go now to visit with him.

I am thankful that I am a spiritual person.  I am thankful that I truly do not believe that death is the end of our journey. I don't know exactly what happens next, of course, but I know he still exists in some form.

Living has wounded us all in one way or another. This is my deepest wound.

 

 

datura datura 56-60, F 78 Responses Sep 5, 2008

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....... :'(

I know how you feel. I lost my son. He was in a car accident but that's not what killed him. The hospital gave him to forms of medicine that he was HIGHLY allergic to. I like the song because it really says along to me and how I feel. It came out June of 2005 and was one of my sons' favorite songs & group. Well, my birthday is at the end of September, and Michael (my son that died) was really the only person that remembered it. I can relate to the song it really explains how I feel since he pased in Dec. 2008 (he was only 20).

I am very sorry for your loss, and like you, I do not believe death is the end. Maybe someday, somewhere, youll see each other again. Blessed be!

To all of you,<br />
<br />
I hug all those who have lost a son, a brother, a friend. I too lost my brother 14 years back. I died with him. I am not alive any more.<br />
But I dont agree with you who say that people take their own life due to depression. The truth is that depression is brought about by another person or persons. Always, another person is responsible for somebody's suicide.

As someone who is suicidal, let me tell you something: You're not guilty.<br />
For your words, I see you were a wonderful mother.<br />
<br />
I love my mom and dad... and I have clearly stated they're not guilty... that I wanna commit suicide because of pain and fear.

I am so sorry. I was close to suicide myself and didn't because of my mother. Now I am a father and my son seems destined to revisi the demons of my early life. I can only try to help as I can and hope for the best.<br />
<br />
The death of a child must be as horrible a thing as any.

Oh, the heart ache you have endured. I am so sorry. I feel for you. And I understand. What you tried and did, and how devastating it must be to lose someone to their demons. All the *if onlys* . We lost someone to a drunk driver. It was my granddaughter's fiance, and my great granddaughter's father. And she goes through it even now after nearly five years." If only I had asked him to bring me a coffee from Tim Horton's he would have been there later". And so on. So I know about the if onlys. Bless you.

Indeed you are not alone D , not allowing yourself to consummed by greif in all its forms,you have aquired the wisdom to see that he is with you when you need him to be .....

I am so sorry for your loss. <br />
I will remember your son whenever feeling hopeless. <br />
You speak of such tragedy with such beauty & grace. <br />
I, too, am a member of this group. <br />
My son died on the 20th of September as an 11 week, three day old infant nearly 14 1/2 years ago. <br />
I do not know you, I... am just horribly sorry that we are members of this group for similar experiences. I dread the end of summer every year.<br />
It is pure hell to lose a child under any circumstance. Your reality is the deepest fear of any parent. <br />
As previous comments say, you are amazing! Your strength is an inspiration to many and if ever you need someone to listen or to cry with, I am with you. <br />
I am so, so sorry about your son. <br />
May Peace find you and know that your experience has saved a life. <br />
A million hugs to you!!

I am sorry, but my immediate reaction is to look up the cousin who abused your son, & beat his a**.<br />
I know this does nothing, And is immature, but that is how I feel right now. I do apologize if this post causes you any dismay.

Your story touched me, I'll admit I may not have the right words to say, but I feel like I should at least give it a shot. I couldn't imagine the amount of loss you must have felt and still feel. They say that time heals all wounds but I still think wounds like this must leave at least a scar. I wish I had words to say but I have never been in such a situation like that before. The only suicide attempt in my family happened before I was even born. I don't know how I would respond to something like that, I can tell that you must be a very strong woman, much stronger than I think I would be if I were to experience something like that. I commend you for having the strength to carry on and to share your touching story. I hope you find some solstice in the conversations you have with your sons' spirit by the pond. I am sure you will see your son again. Thank you for sharing your touching story.

I can't say I understand what you feel because I have never lost a child. I have however seen the pain from two friends I was very close to that have lost a child. My heart goes out to you over this.<br />
I wish I could give you peace or some kind of understanding, but sadly nothing I can say will help ease the pain or the sense of loss you feel especially during Sept. Both of my friends that I mentioned go through deep depressions twice a year missing their love ones.<br />
I wish I could give you a big hug. I hope you find the peace and regain your loss in the afterlife.<br />
<br />
Your friend<br />
BlueGeorgia

Thank you for writing this. Thank you from my heart. I needed to read this tonight, this week, this month. I wish I could help your hurt.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. My son, my firstborn, also decided that leaving us was his only real option. The "what ifs" and "what more could I have done?" still haunt me well over a decade since the event.<br />
<br />
I hope you are able to find the peace and understanding I still am seeking.

Your son was a beautiful person. Thank-you for sharing this painful part of your life. May you one day only have peaceful memories of him during September. X WG

Sweet sister....may God's peace that surpasses all understanding be w you...God bless...

It's nice that you can feel his presence at the pond.I'm sure he is grateful that you come to talk to him,I know my friend who also passed away is that I talk to him.Your son sounds like he was an amazing person.You are making him proud every day by continuing to live.Just stay strong,and somewhere,he is smiling.

My heart bleeds when I read such stories and I just want to say I am sorry you have lost a son (I love my children as much as you have loved yours - and cannot begin to think if that happened to me how I would cope. hugs and kisses "from another mother"

My 13 year old son killed himself last Sept. 14, 08. He shot himself in the head. Like you, I found him and was glad. It was only right that I should be there. I was his mom. I used to love september.

wish I could take away your pain :(

My heart goes out to you. Although I cannot truly feel your pain, nor do I ever want to, my soul hurts with yours. I lost my precious husband on November 24th 2004 and it still seems like yesterday to me. Everyone tells me, "you should be over it by now" , "you know you have to move on" , "you know he wouldn't want you to be so sad" , "time heals all wounds" , "It will get better", and right now, the most painful of all is "How are you doing?". I want to scream, "I don't know how I'm doing or who I am or what this is all about" My entire life went with him. He was DELIBERATELY killed by the doctor who was suppose to try to save his life.<br />
<br />
So I do know true soul pain and I'm so thankful to see that there are other people in this world who love so deeply that nothing can take their pain away.<br />
<br />
I hope that your precious Son will come to you in your nights travels and I know he will be with you every inch of the way through what's left of your life.<br />
<br />
Please write to me anytime and take good care of yourself.<br />
<br />
Hugs & Blessings,<br />
<br />
LKRK

~~I'd like him to be remembered for the way he lived and not for the way he died. ~~<br />
<br />
That says it all. What a beautiful and loving tribute you've given to him. A mother's love is true, it is unconditional, and it is everlasting. This story should be preserved as testament to that fact.<br />
<br />
Thank you so much for sharing your son's story. It will stay with me for a long time, and in that way, through you, he has touched other's lives.

Datura, I had no idea you'd been through something like this. I've read quite a bit of your other writings and they all show what a positive, happy person you are. I'm really impressed that you can be after such an experience. So sorry to hear there was such sadness in the life of a sweet soul like you.

im so srry for your loss. and i just recently lost my grandpa. he was the only one i had when i lost him i thought of every way to committ suicide but now i no wat to do.<br />
<br />
Lexx Lou

Do you remember the story of Freddie Prinze who played in 'Chico and the Man'. He was 22 when he shot himself. just previous to shooting himself he called his mother and said, "Mom, I love you very much, but I can't go on. I need to find peace." <br />
I heard people say, "He went to hell because he committed suicide." <br />
I started praying because it didn't make sense to me that this hurting young would go to hell. While asking God about this I got a vision in my mind of the young man being held on God's lap and rocked. Then I heard God say in my mind, "Some people are too weak to endure the things of earth, so I bring them on home."<br />
The good die young and no one seems to understand why. Its to save them from the evil days ahead. Jesus said to the thief on the cross, "Today you will be with me in paradise."

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. Revelations 21:4<br />
<br />
It's that verse in the Bible that encourages me to know that death is never the end of the story. September is also a month of tragedy in my family. The sound of September will never have the sweet ring it once had. <br />
<br />
I've learned a lot these past few months about suicide, and the one common thread I find is that the survivors never get over it. I find that it's a mixed blessing that we are not alone in this circumstance.<br />
<br />
I hope you find peace and comfort among your family and friends...

What a powerful and poignant story.<br />
The world has indeed suffered a great loss. <br />
I sincerely hope that time will bring you peace. My deepest sympathies.

hi. thank you for sharing. <br />
<br />
I lost my 14 year old son to an auto accident in 2003. Only faith and true friends helped me through. I have just hung his photo in the entrance to my home and I see his image at least ten times every day, when I leave and return and when I go to the kitchen.<br />
<br />
He was doing hotel management and catering at school and would cook at least three time per week, so it was extremely hard at first to go in there to make something to eat.<br />
<br />
I lost 10 kg in the first year after he passed. Glad to say that the weight is back now and I remember, mostly, the great times we had together.<br />
<br />
I find peace in my memories of him and the pain of losing him has mostly subsided. <br />
<br />
I wish you peace, happiness, grace, comfort and joy in your memories and in your healing.<br />
<br />
cheers<br />
<br />
b

This is very sad. I'm not even sure what to say. I'm sorry for your loss. You must be very strong.

He was a wonderful son who now lives in your heart and memories. I cannot begin to imagine the pain you have experienced over the last years; everyone has to deal with grief in their own way.<br />
<br />
I can tell you this. You have to remember the good days, the good times, and the laughter. If you dwell on the past you will not be here in the present for your other children. I can say this because I too have a son who is gone - just not dead. My son - at the age of 18 - decided to walk out of my life and he has never looked back.<br />
<br />
Death of a loved one is painful, brutal, guilt-ridden, and can reverberate into all your other relationships. But you have to remember, everyone has their own choices to make - sometimes those choices are just wrong.<br />
<br />
Please lavish your love, time, and energies on the relationships that are surviving. They are hurting also and need you to remember them.