In Fact, I Hate To Have To Depend On Others.

Now I suspect that I may have some issues with ego. Having to need people to help me makes me feel helpless and inferior. Even having my parents helping me fork out money as a teenager made me uneasy. And I do admit that it's near impossible to do anything significant without the help or coorperation of others. Maybe I'm just not cut out for big things.

 

Although I deeply desire to do something big. Nobody wants to waste these decades away.

FlankingMan FlankingMan
22-25, M
1 Response Feb 27, 2010

yes! i am dealing with that right now! i just quit my job so that i can prepare for my next big life step: i'm graduating college in less than a month, and i'm engaged. my fiance' is getting his PhD in January, and then we're moving to wherever he gets a job. But something unexpected happened, and his boss offered him a job here, and I want him to take whatever job is best for him and that makes him happy, but I had been planning my entire life around a big move happening very soon after graduation and now I have to replan my entire life! or at least that's what it feels like... and so I am looking for grad schools, and I am feeling so stressed out because I thought that I would have a period of lay-over time between moving and finding a grad school in our new area..so I just figured I'd get some basic job for a few months....but the job I quit here was a major career job and it was quite dramatic with many of my clients and coworkers being very upset to see me go...so I feel like it would be awful to get some menial job here to pass the time and run into one of them! I think I have some issues with pride as well..... And I was so looking forward to having time to breathe and feeling in control.. But now I feel like every second that I don't have a job or am not in grad school is on borrowed time, and borrowed money, and now I feel like I can't enjoy my well deserved break at all!
And what's worse is that all this complication and confusion is because of the circumstances under which I've met my fiance! He is wonderful and amazing and a fantastic match for me.....but I told myself years ago under similar circumstances that I would never put my life on hold for someone elses plans, because they can so often go awry, or change, or be put on the back burner. I quit school once when I was in a band because we were all going to move to a big city together to make it big. But as soon as I quit, plans changed and the other band members started going back to school! The band eventually broke up, as it seems all bands do, and I had to re-think my entire life. I changed houses, schools, circles of friends, and I told myself that I wouldn't let it happen again! I rearranged my whole life to support other people who didn't do the same for me.... Now, in my current situation, my fiance' is not to blame for any bad behavior, but I am just incredibly disappointed that we may have to stay here in town instead of moving, because I had my hopes way up, and I made a huge life change to prepare for it, and now it's not turning out the way I want. And until something concrete happens I am depending on my parents and my fiance' to support me. And it stresses me out! I don't ever want to be labelled as a slacker or a mooch, and I have addressed these issues with my parents before and we are totally on the level; I'm a responsible person and have never given them any reasons to doubt it. But I still feel very anxious and it's ruining a time of my life that I had been really looking forward to..

Thanks for sharing your story! If it makes you feel any better, remember the actions you are taking to get yourself out of this situation (ie, looking for a grad school, getting a part-time job), and try to relax and enjoy the break!

It's been years since I wrote this story, but I still have problems with this sometimes. Can't wait to be independent.