I Struggle

 I don't ever remember a time when I was good at showing my emotions.  I recall as a child being told to "stop" all the time.  It did not matter if it was crying or just being affectionate.  I can laugh, that's easy.  Crack a joke, say something funny.  But, I don't actually feel happy, It's just a nice social mask to wear.  I am unable to show genuine emotion; sympathy, empathy etc etc. When people get emotional around me, I just watch them. I try to think of something to say, but instead I just wonder why on Earth they're doing it. I find emotional people so disquieting.  I have been made redundant from jobs and shown less emotion about my unemployment than the person who's just put me out of work.  The last one, was a woman and she kept going on and on about wanting to be sure I was ok etc.  I just looked at her in the same way I look at everyone else who gets emotional. She seemed more upset about it than I was.  I wondered later that perhaps she just wanted me to tell her it was ok, that I was not blaming her.  But, I reasoned that it was her job to terminate contracts and if she didn't like it, she should find employment elsewhere.
    I even find it hard to do it here, even though I am anonymous.  I want to be nice to people who have the kindness in them to occasionally leave messages.  But, I'm stuffed at responding to their simple humanity.  It takes me ages to reply because I have to analyze it first.  Run the probabilities through my head and ask myself: "how does a normal person answer a gentle query about my wellbeing?"  I have my emotions; they run the gamut of rage to sadness.  The rage and the sadness I hide.  I never let anyone see it, not in the real world anyway.  I have shown some of it here, but it's hard. So very, very hard.
    So I spend my days hoping that someday I can become a real person with real feelings and not a cold, indifferent construct of my mind.
DarkPhoenix DarkPhoenix
31-35, F
3 Responses Sep 30, 2007

I am 16, I have lacked emotion since 11 or 12 years old, day by day people think it is a funny tough guy/ lack of caring facade, when In reality I can't feel true emotional pain. I wish everyday to die, I put myself to the noose 3 times, but I fail to follow through, now I think it is getting worse, I have begun to have twisted revenge fantasies, and at night when I dream, it is filled with fire, death, and visions of the ravaging of living humans, and I enjoy every scream. I snarl like an animal, I stalk invisible prey on all fours, my mouth waters at the thought of the hunt, I just wish to be loved, and held by someone of the opposite sex, my life ever since the age of 4 has been filled with lies, and torment, now I think I can never be saved.

I really relate to this story.... Especially when someone else is emotional. I just wonder what is going through their mind because whatever is running through mine would never affect me that way... My mom has said to me numerous times that I have a stone in my chest and not a heart...

When I was little I was emotionally and physically abused. I was told to stop crying, no kisses, no hugs. The only time my grandmother showed any caring about my wellbeing was when I was ill. Other than that I was constantly told that I was lucky that I was taken in by her and that no one else wanted me. I was a charity case. I ran away at age 15. I was pregnat and terrified that she would actually kill me. My Dad came and picked me up and we stopped at my grandmother's house to pick up my things. My grandmother attacked me. Needless to say I lost that baby. I was with my grandmother before she died and she talked about how I was like one of her own children and how much she loved me. I was aghast that she would treat me the way she did if she loved me that much. I went on with my life. All of my emotional and physical problems stem from losing my nineteen year old son in a car crash. That I have not recovered from.