We Were Coming Close A Few Years Ago To Being Sexless But...

Our marriage started off like most.  Lots of sex in the beginning, then children and careers got in the way and it tapered off.  After 10 years it was down to nearly once a week.  Then the children's activities came in the way on the weekends so it got to twice a month.  It kept tapering off until we were having sex maybe 7 times a year.  

I was tremendously unhappy and actually lashed out a few times in my frustration.  According to her when she would defend herself from my frustrations, the little bit that we were having sex was the norm.  Her friends often discussed these things and I guess they weren't doing it a lot either.

So, I was left to dwell on this that after maybe 11 years of marriage and being less than 40 years old, I was only going to get to **** 6-7 times a year.  I was depressed about it for a while and decided I wasn't going to be able to live this way.  I thought I was going to just have to cheat.  I started flirting online and with female business associates.  I even had a couple of women that I had near the point where they were willing to meet and move things forward.  However, I hated this idea.  Even though I wasn't getting laid at home I knew that if she found out that I had ****** around, it would hurt her tremendously and probably end our marriage.  I just had to take a shot at getting our sex life back on track.

It just didn't seem logical to sit down and have a face to face talk.  I was frustrated, she was defensive and she was going to throw the poor sex lives of our friends and neighbors into my face.  It seemed to be guaranteed that until I could calmly communicate my desires, we could not really discuss it.  The bad habits of it turning into an argument would rear it's ugly head again.   So, I decided to write her a letter.  Yes, this does seem stupid to have to write a letter to the one you love most in the world.  However, in a letter, I could proof it and edit it and share my frustrations calmly without alienating her over the matter.  

Well, I'm glad to say it worked.  The day after she read the letter, we had a long heart to heart about our dwindling sex lives.  We decided together to try and improve it and improve it we did.  Initially, we made sure we made the time at least once a week.  We would hire a sitter and have a night out and rent a hotel room.  We spiced it up with sexy clothing for her, toys, videos, games etc.  

Now, ten years later, both of us are 49 and we average better than 3 times a week.  Now if I was younger than 30, that would be an absurdly low number of times to have sex but at 49, I'm happy with it.  I know that we are both happier and closer than we have ever been.  We took our sex lives to the edge of the abyss of doom and came very close to actions that might have destroyed our lives together.  We managed to not drop it over the edge but rescued it.  I'm grateful that I don't qualify for the "I live in a sexless marriage" group.

LiddelPegger LiddelPegger
56-60, M
1 Response Feb 26, 2010

That sounds almost like my husband and I. About a year ago we started communicating about it and now average 4-5 times a week at ages 46 and 47. Our sex life is the best it has ever been now, and I anticipate that it will only get better. Sex isn't the only important thing in a marriage, but it ranks right up there, in my opinion.