The Hopeless Homeless Unemployed College Grad And Her Achy Breaky Heart Pills

People outside of my family despised me because I am so weird, as members of my family feel sorry for me. I am begining to resent this and truly want to tell these people to stop looking at me like a sad puppy dog and kick rocks. I suppose I would do the same thing myself.  I was never a social butterfly or bursting ray of sunshine. This is stupid, but I remember one day in elementary school, I was so unhappy with my life. I was so stressed out, so unhappy, I developed an obsession with death and dying. As mother would run my bathwater, I would look at my reflection in the water and wonder what would happen if I drowned myself? Achy Breaky Heart was really big on the radio, and the school's PTA sold little sweet candies called "Achy Breaky Heart Pills". Being young and dumb and suffering from an Achy Breaky heart, I actually thought these things were pills and decided to overdose on them just to see if I would die. This ranks up there on the stupid things I did as a child list, right above tying my shoes together and crying when I fell on my face trying to get up. As I nervously crunched those sweet tart pills, a feeling of satisfaction and defiance came over me. I think I may have laughed out loud. Entering the third grade, I start to notice that I became intellectually lazy to the point where I actually became just average. Life had no meaning, so there was no need to be good at anything. I am a tormented soul who has never experienced any true happiness in life. I was destined for nothing. My environment reinforced that message into my brain everyday.

So here I am. A 24-year old woman, extremely poor with a college degree that is collecting dust because I am lazy and extremely depressed. I am a graduate student in Military History, but I don't know what I am doing with my life. I like to get drunk, I like to sleep all day, I like to cook, listen to jazz, read books, hibernate in my apartment. I decided long ago that life was not worth living, and I should just wait to die. And the sad thing, I can't picture my life getting any better than this.

Entropy2010 Entropy2010
22-25, F
4 Responses Mar 8, 2010

Unfortunately, I am homeless again. I keep running into temporary jobs or jobs with a unsustainable wage. I don't know what I am going to do. My options are running out.

I used to get depressed easily, now have a sense of humor about my dusty university degree and unemployment. I've grown content with my listless lifestyle. That's about it. Hope you are doing well this year!

Thank you for the comments. I totally forgot about this post!

Are you serious? I feel that I can relate to a certain extent--many of us, ok, maybe some, have had some melancholy or whatnot for an extended period of life. I used to do the same thing with Advil! haha taking a little more than necessary to think that I was doing something... a stupid teenager. then other things, but this suicide ideation by either one of us in the past never amounted to anything except memories or else we wouldn't have written it. <br />
I am about to graduate college (undergrad) with pretty much meaningless degrees for an undergrad and found your post because I was looking for any stories about being homeless with a college degree because it may be my future in a few months if I cannot find a job that I can do. <br />
Your interests sound very similar to mine! A thought was, why don't we become roommates and hang out all day! Just kidding. <br />
You are probably in better physical health than me and are younger than me (30), not to mention you have more education than I do. <br />
You seem to be a very smart, interesting person and also a very good writer. Did you ever think about writing for a living? What about all of your interests-- ever think of doing Something in those fields? Writing review of jazz music, ETC. <br />
But the thing is, it is very difficult to die at your age just sitting at home drinking, and not doing much else. I tried and it was very short-lived. If you had really wanted to do something about that, you might have. But I guess that if anyone really wanted to do something about living in happiness, then we would have taken charge of that, too. <br />
The point is that I feel that I can relate in so many ways and although it is kind of comforting to see someone else out there kind of like me....I hate to see someone even younger than myself going through it.<br />
All of this may end up meaning nothing to you, but I had to sign up with this website that I never even heard of just to say something. <br />
:)