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Lost

I never thought one day I'll have a need to share my story anywhere, don't even know that I would have a story, I was hesitating to join this site at first let alone post this but I'm finally brave enough, I think........I'm a Chinese, 41 this year, I've known my husband since 16, we were schoolmates. We've been together ever since then, married at 26, we have a 13 yr old daughter ......sometimes I wonder, was it a mistake, were we too young, why didn't I gave myself more opportunities, I've so many questions still left unanswered. Back then, I had always told myself to walk the right path, never to repeat the mistakes others made but life isn't always a bed of roses. At around the age of 7 or so, I discovered my dad had an affair and I couldn't understand why, I had to find the answers myself, I had to ask and answer my own questions but nevertheless, I enjoyed my childhood, they were the best times. Ever since my daughter was born, I gave up my job, a job that I love so much, to be a full-time mom, not by choice as my brother and his wife had premature twins at the same time, my mom had to look after them and I didn't want to engage a domestic helper. Still, I was prepared for it and I had a wonderful time seeing her blossom into a young adult. My husband and I, we went through thick and thin, fought many battles, be it work, money, relationship, I guess it's normal. He's always busy with work, traveling up to twice or thrice in a month, coming home at the witching hour, family days are Saturdays. I used to wait up for him but I've stopped since he comes home even later than before..... don't get me wrong, I trust him completely, it's just that we have a communication breakdown somewhere along the way and he's never interested in what I do, rarely ask how's my day, it's always about him. Now at this time of my life, I'm at a crossroad, I'm starting to question myself, is this what I really want? I've never really ask myself that question before. Over the years, my husband has never really encourage me to work or do anything that I like, he didn't like the idea of me working at that time, maybe it was because my daughter was still young but even taking up language courses like French, doesn't appeal to him and because he's paying for it, he would rather I take up something that's more useful. He has a point but what happen to hobbies and stuffs that I like to do? I still went ahead with French classes after much persuasion. I've also been taking up yoga twice a week for 5 years now. Time has passed and now that she's 13, she has her own activities, I have even more time on my hands. I've always wanted to go back to work, just to be mentally active, socialise and have my own income but it isn't easy finding a job after having been unemployed for 13 yrs or at least a part time job that could match the timing when my daughter comes home from school and having to convince my husband, again, it's a problem. 3 years ago, I got bored and started chatting to people on a game, I guess I had wanted to talk to someone, I needed a listening ear, it's always easier to talk to a stranger and because the identity is not made known most of the time, it's natural to let go all that's been buried inside and hopefully, you won't be judge. I also realised that there's actually a lot of people out there just like myself. Needless to say, I found myself talking to an individual and I'm drawn to him......sigh, for the first time in my life, I'm not sure if I love my husband or was it just because we were young then, I hate where I am now because I don't even know what am I doing anymore and I am so very lost.

I just realised it's such a long story, this is the first time I share my story and I hope I don't bore anyone with it.

Unknown136 Unknown136 41-45, F 6 Responses Mar 13, 2013

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I totally understand you coz I'm in the same situation as you, the only problem is that I'm in the beginning of this marriage 1 year and some months, I'm married to a chinese (but am not chinese } , Now I'm pregnant with my first baby and it's a girl as you. It seems like your story is being repeated by me but with a little difference. As you can see my pseudo is lost and this is what I'm living now. I want to talk to someone, want to cry and even scream in a very high voice coz I'm on the way to craziness

Hi losttttt, thanks for sharing.....I totally get you, that's just the beginning, not to frighten you but it could get worst. I don't know what went wrong in your first year of marriage but here's the thing, don't fret coz you're not alone but please don't so much as conclude anything just yet. I'm just thinking, you could be experiencing hormonal changes in your body as you're pregnant and maybe that's why emotionally you're unstable but correct if I'm wrong. Don't let anything affect you too much, stay strong, your little bundle of joy can sense your emotion.....I'm no better myself but it does helps to be positive, think positive thoughts, though it's tough but it's tougher being negative. Hope my two cents worth of advice helps.

Hey...I k exactly how u fill. its a hard situation to be in..i am also in same boat. I think I have done all that I could for husband but it seems like my rope was always little short. what I did was never good enough for him. I drifted from him and now I feel as though I have moved on and I feel like that I want to start my new life with someone else. I don't want to grow old by myself. I want to be someone whom I love or want to be with. There r too many bitter memories in my marriage that hunts me. Every time I think abt me being with him I get upset. I go back to being sad. I feel like I have lost respect for him I just want to forget my past and move on.. I have two boys. I don't feel like staying in marriage just cuz of kids. I don't feel that I can be good mom if I am not happy .I did not ask for all this but its here. I feel sad about that whole thing but I don't k what to do, but than I do know that the only thing I see best is that I need to move on. LIFE GOES ON. As long as I am well I will be a better mom to my kids. I have become little strong crying lady. I am ready to move on but at the same time I feel sad for the whole thing. I fee like I messed up. I have learned that I should have been little bit more demanding. Than may be things would have been little different. good luck to u and me...

Thanks for replying......well I don't know about your situation but I'm not at liberty to run away even if I would want to, very much. Having said that, as I've said before, I still have not decided what to do yet. I can't speak for anyone but I do know exactly how you feel, I've decided long ago that there's no point crying anymore, partly I haven't got anymore tears and I don't like feeling sorry for myself but don't get me wrong, it's perfectly alright to cry, cleanses your inner being. Most importantly, I don't want to walk around looking red, puffy-eyed, old and haggard lol. Since sharing my story here, I've in a way, gotten stronger. Even though I don't really know what I'll do next but each step seems to lead me to something that might eventually have an answer for me. Maybe I'm just being positive but it helps, I guess. Someone once told me this.....in your lifetime, everyone and anyone that you know, be it your son, daughter, mom, dad, sis, bro, husband, wife, etc, even yourself, will bound to disappoint you at least once; therefore, it's easier to change yourself than to change others. I find that very true, though I'm not sure if I'm changing, or even if I did, I didn't notice but I do know one thing, I've learned to lower my expectation of others over time. I guess it's not about how, why, when and what you messed up, it's how you pick yourself up and move on, which direction? Who knows, as long as you think what works best for you and your kids. May I wish you all the best too.

I want to **** you

I can totally relate to the what you said about not feeling anymore. Where at one point in our realation ship I might cry or get furious, now I would just shake it off. I didn't/dont care enough to get emotional. Even speaking of our seperation or possibale divorce the way I do, scares me. I sound so cold and unattached. Dont get me wrong I do still have mixed emotions but right now I think this is what I need to do. Do you find your self getting annoyed with everything he does or says? I did, that was the way I could tell it was time for a split

Thank you for replying........At first I did, the flying rages, those exchange of words, I was annoyed with everything and anything he did or said, it just did not get on well with me, there's always that little excuse inside me, just to find a reason to be angry with him. But now, all that is just a distant memory to me. I'm mentally tired, physical even, I hate getting angry, just spoils the day. I've learned to get by passing comments, I'm not sure if it's coz I don't love him anymore or it's acceptance, I still don't know what I'll do, I'm still learning from everyone here. Funny how it seems therapeutic just typing out my feelings here, stuffs that I wouldn't say to him or when I do try, they just don't come out right, I never would even stand a chance to talk back even if I do, all I could remember hearing from him is "blah, blah, blah and blah" lol that's constantly ringing in my ear! Took awhile though, I'm more calm and at ease these days, I just shut off the moment he talks, I'll walk away from the situation, pretend that I couldn't hear him, pass him by as if he's not there. I must say, it's dangerous though, it may be I no longer feel for him, that's a question I put forward everyday, I don't think I'm capable of answering it just yet. I don't want to do things irrationally at this point that I might regret one day but then again, I want to be happy. It's pretty confusing, the back and forth, not that I'm undecided but because of my inquisitive nature, I can't just do something without weighing the pros and cons. Think I'm gonna put it behind me for now, I'm taking one day at a time. I may not want to know the outcome, maybe I'm afraid, not sure if I could make anything happen, I still haven't found the answers, we'll see.

It'll be nice to hear from someone who's on the opposite end of a similar situation like this, I mean it's always so easy to speak for ourselves, it's a comfort to know that we're not alone but I would really like to know and hopefully be able to put myself in a position like my husband's, just look at things from his side and maybe, I might be able to answer those questions.

To all, have a good week ahead.

Ive only been married 5 years, but I am in a similar situation. I feel my husband and I have become just friends/roommates that ocasionally have sex. Not make love, just have sex. We seperated a few days ago because after workingon it for about 6 months, and even trying marriage counseling it, I still dont feel that spark I once did. I just wanted to let you know your not the only one, and I hope your story has a happy ending.

Thank you LostTheSpark, I've been with him for close to 25 yrs now and it's only the last few years I started to realise that maybe, just maybe, we are not meant to be. It's such a blur, I really have no idea or was it because I was too simple, am I starting to complicate things now?! It's as though I've opened up Pandora's box. I wish I could find the answers. I admire your courage though, at least you still found a friend in your husband. Maybe I let my emotions got the better of me, I just couldn't do it, I don't know how to have sex with him when I don't even think I have the feelings for this man.......I questioned myself countless times, if I still love him or not; but if I didn't, why was I feeling angry and sad, mixed feelings even. Having said that, I'm starting to drift even further these days, I've gotten so used to it that I'm beginning not to feel anymore, how sad is that, is this the beginning of the end or is it a hurdle that I need to jump over? So many questions. I don't know if I still want to try. I'm not financial independent on my own, which is why I couldn't just walk out, couple with the fact that my daughter is still young, I know she would understand and I love her for that, I don't want her to go through a time like this with me. She's at the peak of her time in school and with friends, it's just unfair for her. For some selfish reasons, I would love to run away, unfortunately, I'm trapped. I wish you all the best in the new chapter of your life.

Your brain is idle so it yearns for feelings, discoveries, adventures, things that will stimulate and nurture your brain. In return, you will get happiness feelings.

Keep your brain busy all the time so that it doesn't wander. Find hobbies, challenges, volunteer.... all will help. Online romance is definitely a good brain stimulation, but at risk of family breakup.

Good luck with your journey in life.

Thank you "quyxu", my sentiments exactly, I'm a creative person or should I say used to be and my hobbies and the things I love doing just do not appeal to my husband and that affected me a lot over the years, I just lost interest in almost everything. I feel alone, doing things on my own, I'm so used to it. Sure I have friends, most of them working, have their own family and problems to solve, that's why I turn to this site and I'm glad I did. Thank you once again.