Lost Love

What I said also works for your feeling of responsibility for him.
If he is unable to function without you, you might be hurting him more by staying with him and doing everything for him than you would be by letting him sink or swim on his own. It is called "enabling" when someone has a way of doing things that is not good, but they are allowed to continue that way because someone else is helping them out and making their bad choices work out even though they shouldn't.
If he has an issue, he has to work it out, it's not your responsibility. You can't save him... you can help but cannot save, only he can save himself just like only you can save yourself (with some help of course).

This is how you become sure of what you want to do next: let his things be his things, and let your things be your things. Recognize for what you are responsible in your life, what you are each responsible for in your joint lives, and for what he is responsible. This could take some journaling and counseling. You will be better able to make a decision about the marriage after you get your own things in order and are happy by yourself again.
1.) If you are tired and fatigued from studying and working so much, this is something for which you are responsible. Work less or study less, do not say he is responsible for it. If you have If you have joint bills to pay that he should be contributing towards and he is not contributing, then say, "I can't keep up this level of work and study. If you can't help out, we are getting rid of this car/home/whatever." If you fail an exam, that is your business, not his... dont' make it his business. If he is trying to distract you, you can say, "I understand (whatever the issue is he wants to distract you with) is important to you, but I cannot help you out with that right now. I can discuss it with you after my test." He should respect that. If not, leave and study at a coffeeshop or IHOP or something. Again, be responsible for your own successes and failures and don't blame him for it.
2.) Different bank accounts are a good idea. Then you can each be responsible for your own things. Don't get involved in financial commitments with him you could be responsible for later.
3.) Get a social support system in this country. You cannot rely on a spouse to make you happy; you have to make yourself happy and be dependent on yourself, and a spouse is an additive. This is true for any relationship.
4.) When you are happy and successful all on your own, revisit the issue of how you feel about him. Make a list of all the things you need out of marriage that you aren't getting, and share it with him. If he can't provide those things in marriage, then you say, "OK, if you can't (tell the truth, stop smoking, etc.), then I cannot be married to you. These are the things I need out of marriage and I can't get them here." No matter what you decide in the end, things will go a lot smoother if you get yourself in order first, then worry about him.

My dear, your story is a bit like mine. Why would you jeopardise your career or studies because of 'someone'. Never get into a relationship with a man who is less educated than you. It will never work! Today, you fail your exams, tomorrow, you... don't know. And the next step will be: Anti depressants. He is affecting your studies, career and tomorrow he will affect your health, your life.

I know what you mean, I'm going through the same.

leave him as fast as you can things always get worst never better, leave, fly away from him, start a new life, things always get worst never better, I have been through, it all. and I regret it every day of my life that I did not leave this man called my husband ,that I hate a little more every

day.

Aww, I am sorry to learn what you have been through!



I can only suggest that to begin with you start to stand your ground. Start in small ways, re-assert your rights on the bank accounts and money, on who'd doing what, etc.



Lots of people on here can give better advice than I can, but you can contact me whenever you wish, ok?



Ken

One last thing....when you thought you could "change the world", you joined millions of us here in the States that thought the same thing. It's sad it just didn't happen on a large scale, but each of us can make a difference in the world around us, and if enough of us do that, perhaps we really can change the world!

Since I found this site, I'm feeling better and better that perhaps we really can make a difference!

Please don't give up! While I know it's tough, you are eventually going to come up a winner. Higher education is a labor of love...you have to love what you're doing to continue on. However, the rewards are going to be great, when you get your degree. Chances are, your husband is a bit jealous that you've gone so far in your education already. Your future is boundless, while his is limited by his lack of understanding. I wish you all the best. I'll gladly be here to listen if you need me.

Press on, for you will overcome the problems, and succeed in your endeavors!

Thanks guys for reading my story and helping with your words! This means a lot! I can not disappoint my family as they always believed in me...and divorce would be such a huge disappointment! And shock I guess...



I am not legally stuck with my husband, I can divorce him and stay in USA, that is not the problem at all...But I am doing my PhD and I am stuck in it....



Actually I am more of emotional wreck right now...and I care in one strange way for him, like a brother or something and can't leave him...he said he will commit suicide if I leave and I know one thing for sure he can't stay in USA without me. He hates life here, he does not like talking to anyone or going anywhere (except work that he has to).....He is not capable of staying alone in this country and he really does not have family to go to back home.....



I know what you all might think that I am looser when I can't cut him off my life.....but I am afraid that he is to weak....



I am the string one in the family, the one who organizes everything, the one who meets friends, the one who pushed him to go for job interview, or to go to some places, or lunch outside..or whatever..



Maybe I am just suppose to have life like this...Maybe its my destiny...I will try at work and school to do my best and I am already among the best students as I really do work hard...and anyway I'd rather spent time at lab or in library than at home....



I love this country, but it's really tough if you have no family here...and if your family back at home think that life is a lot easy for us who are in US....



Seems like its hard to find someone who understands us?!



Thanks dear friends who wrote to me!!!! God bless you!

He seems to be far beneath you in life. His pettiness, and lack of respect for the things that drive your life, seem to indicate that he's totally jealous of you, and your future. I feel so bad for you, but there's nothing I can do at this point. Please be strong, and look after yourself!

Also, he does not speak English very good and don't like going out or having friend at our home...I tried several times to go out with our friends and I was the only one talking, he would barely say a word or two.Also he does not like any ppl from our home country...So we basically have no friends at all! He is a total loner like his mom..More i see him more he is his mom in male's body...His mom hates everyone and has no friends at all...And she is that strict about money, taking money from his father and taking care of it! he does that to me...He is older 9 years than me...maybe that is a problem...?!



If there are any good souls here please give me any advice! You can't imagine how much I will appreciate it!