In Love With Another
Im a 44yr old woman who has been married for 19 yrs. Was with my husband 7yrs prior to marriage. This is my first entry here so I hope I dont get winded, as I am a good talker/story teller and its a long one, but here goes.
My husband and I met just after high school. We were in school together but I never noticed him, frankly because he isn't the type I would be attracted to any way. Although I never noticed him AT ALL! I was absolutely attracted to his best friend. How was it that I noticed his friend and never him when they were together in school all the time? We became friendly over the last few weeks of school. I tried to fix him up with two of my dearest friends. He told me he wasnt interested in them, but in me. I agreed to date him because his best friend who I was interested in didn't seem interested in me.
After three months of dating my husband, (then boyfriend) informed me in a passing conversation that his best friend was (in fact) interested in me but was too shy to do anything about it. Here I am, already emotionally involved with my boy friend. He was sweet, charming, a teddy Bear. Still desiring his best friend beyond normal laws of attraction since the beginning of Senior Year. I also believe he was feeling it too. Our eyes would linger on each others for much longer than the 3 second rule, If we were close enough to almost touch we would both be frozen and trembling and I swear I could feel the heat and humidity. I believe there is an extreme chemical attraction between us, if there is in fact such a thing. Would like to know if others know this experience. We share the same appreciation for the outdoors, camping, hiking the Mountains, of which my husband only enjoys when hunting, and Shore. I do things that he only WISHES he could find a girl to enjoy the same things with too.
I tried for so many years to give him every opportunity to steal me away. I encouraged him with every lady like persuasive seduction behavior I could bring myself to express and he wouldn't take the bait! I now know it was I who should have made the first move because I was the one in a committed relationship. The three of us were very close. He and I could talk deeply and openly about most things, even without my husband involved. I believe that he is my soul mate. Which is unfortunate because my husband thinks HE is MY soul mate. The irony and coincidences that surrounded our entire relationship was so uncanny and precisely fitted that I swear our planets have been perfectly aligned from birth, even though we are both Gemini. :P
Throughout our relationship, I could just think of him and the phone would ring and he would be on the other end. This happened more than I can remember. He dated other girls while my husband and I dated. Some, I liked and just wished for him to be happy and some I wanted to smack! I even tried to fix him up with friends of MINE. Only the ones I felt would be better for him than I would be. He didn't become engaged till after my husband and I got married. He was our best man. I was wishing he was gonna stop the wedding, but he also knew I was pregnant and that his best friend was madly in love with me. He had a girl friend at the time who he would soon become engaged to and break it off a year later.
He was the guy that all the girls fawned over and throughout their friendship, my husband was the one who got the 'left overs' when he was done with them. Yes, I know; if he could have any girl he wanted and did, and were truly interested in me he would have made his move right? Wrong. He and I share the same defense mechanism, we have discussed it. Its easy to date someone your not initially attracted or infatuated with. (My husband) Your heart wont get hurt. Add attraction/infatuation and its a scary scenario. Especially for someone who is shy with low self confidence. He has made comments and gave compliments that certainly implied that he was attracted to me. The signs were all there, so was his and my husbands friendship.
After my marriage, baby and his split from his fiance. I called to console him. We got into a conversation where I told him I hated the one girl who broke his heart. Told him the reason I tried to fix him up with all my friends. Asked him why he never asked me out. Told him I felt he was my soul mate. Told him I dont love my husband but wasnt sure how or when I would leave him. Then I asked him if he would wait for me. He told me he couldnt promise anything but that his door was always open for me. He told me not to leave my husband for him that I should leave because its not right for me. I asked him if I could send him poetry that I had written about him. He said yes. I told him he would never marry because he would never find a girl who is quite like me. 16yrs later, he still isn't married. He and my husband had a falling out over business and we hadn't seen him in 8yrs. My marriage was at least peaceful yet still loveless on my side.
A year ago, I stopped at his parents house to drop a note to him that some old classmates were getting together if he wanted to come. He was there. The feelings and behavior haven't changed. He even asked about his first love, if she was gonna be there. I became jealous and defensive and told him I wouldn't invite her any way! He laughed. He likes to bring her up to me, to see my response.
Things got worse at home after that. A few months later I told my husband I didn't love him anymore. I told him I didn't want to have sex any more. For 16yrs I have cringed when my husband touches me. I recoil when he tries to kiss me. There have been more times than I care to remember that I had just lied there during sex telling him to just get it over with. I hate to hear him moan in pleasure and I have also wanted to punch him in the face while he has been on top of me during sex. NOT HEALTHY!!!! So not healthy that I am disabled with depression and a horrible pain syndrome. After therapy I have now learned that my husband was very selfish in many aspects. He never heard me or listened to me when I asked him not to grope me or touch me inappropriately or try to be affectionate with me when I didn't want to be or was uncomfortable with it. I know now that the sex thing is considered rape. I can not be intimate with my husband any more and its stressing him and depressing me. 16yrs ago I asked him for a divorce and he begged me to work it out. I stayed out of guilt and for my son. I do love my husband but as a friend or brother. He is a good man, an excellent provider and does treat me like a queen, but I dont love him like he loves me.
A few months after I told my husband that I didn't love him, I sent my friend a poem that I was inspired to write about him and my husband found it! He denied to my husband having any interest in me. I tried to leave my husband 3 times after that. He begged me to stay and find the love for him. Its been almost a whole year now again and I just cant. He even told me to go have sex with the other guy to get him out of my system! Thats not what I want! I want to love someone passionately! I dont have it for my husband. Even if it cant be this guy, there has to be someone out there I can feel this passionate about.
My therapist thinks we should separate, marriage counselor thinks we should be divorced already and my kids support me if I want to leave. They know Im not happy. My daughter recently told me she doesnt think we will last through her High School years. I dont want to leave my husband FOR this guy, I want to leave because I dont love my husband. I spoke with my friend a few times since the poem. I apologized for making him feel uncomfortable with my husband. He said he wasnt uncomfortable at all. He still takes my calls and we still have deep, heartfelt and supportive conversations. He told me his door is still open for me.