As A Friend.

I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt him. If I say it as a mantra, will it change anything? Thirteen years and I need so much more... I feel so deeply, want so intensely, need so much that's passionate and push-me-up-against-the-wall, instead of this friendly routine with the "love you" and the impersonal kiss and the occasional coming together where I try so hard to want him and end up using him for friction.

And he knows nothing. Oh, he may sense things are off and have been for a while, but I'm a great liar, a great deny-er, so good at "nothing's wrong, I'm fine." And there's guilt, a lot of it. No bodily infidelity but the desire, the potential, again with the need.

Guilt and guilty secret pleasure in wanting more, longing for different, for intensity, for eyes-meeting-across-a-crowded-room spark and nervous anticipation. Mixed up. Or maybe not, maybe just the hot star of an idea that I can choose.

I can choose.
ScyllaAndCharybdis ScyllaAndCharybdis
36-40, F
9 Responses Mar 30, 2011

I feel the same. Is it crazy to just want more out of life out of your relationship?what are you going to do? I deeply crave a deeper connection and experience, which i know is possible... I have two children who make me freeze and pretend and sometimes i feel my acting is not fooling him but he is willing to accept it anyway...

Oh. Me too. He is a good father my best friend . But I dont love him romantically . Sex has become painful and disgusting for me! But he is a good father!!!!!!

I understand this with every fiber of my being.

Okay, so I've now entered a parallel universe where nothing, nothing is what it seems. Apparently I do love him. I told him May 8 I needed something more, something different, and what it amounts to is we're embarking on a journey into polyamory. The kicker: He started first, and I've had some very unexpected and painful reactions to that, all to do with fear of losing him (like I said, parallel universe time) and losing what we have and trying to maintain awareness of my own needs and wants. We've been more honest with each other in the past months than in our entire marriage, and I'm hoping that good things come of this.<br />
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It is what it is.

I realize this post is a bit old but wonder how it is going? That's an exciting development to your relationship. I envy you somehow, but at the same time am too scared to take a step like that. I'd love to hear more about how things developed since your last update. Also, do you have kids? If so, are they aware of this arrangement?

I hear ya marialauralibelula!! Been there done that 4 to long!!'s exactly how I feel...12 years of marriage, of crisis, counseling, trying hard, trying harder, and all I feel is that I want a chance for a do-over. A chance to truly fall in love with someone, and build a life that is not all about TRYING to feel something, TRYING to make something be something it jjust isn't. I know all relationships are work, but I think there are relationships that aren't 99% work! I have been in love before and I know what it feels like...this isnt it. This is more like, I don't want to hurt him, I care about him, we built a life together, i shouldnt feel this is guilt, rolled up in regret, covered in shame. I feel awful about wanting out, and I feel miserable staying in. I get the ambivalence, the not being able to figure out why if there is so much good, it just doesnt feel like enough....the lack of BALLS to make a decision...i completely identify....

I'm right with you, sister. My husband just found out via an email conversation I had with a friend, in which I said I was "brainstorming" ways to survive without him financially. And now it's all out. To be honest, I'm not sure if I would have ever told him myself, and I'm glad he found out. Tell him. He may find he's missing something of himself, too.

It's on my mind. The biggest fear (and it's a reasonable one) is that if I tell him, that's all she wrote. Over. Done. Because of the thirteen years, I'm aware that the extreme reaction is the most likely one, and I've got a streak of coward three miles wide. And ambivalence to match, because I do love him and we've shared a lot and I don't want to lose the parts I'm most comfortable with, especially because of a precipitous disclosure. <br />
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And that feels very selfish of me.<br />
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So I'm waiting. I don't know for what. For my mind to change? For circumstances to change? For courage? I don't know.

Why not tell him what you are thinking? I can tell you that my wife has had resentment for me for some time (for a different reason) built up and she just finally told me about it. It hurts - a lot! But I hate more that she didn't tell me so we can work on it and change things. Now I am still afraid I might lose her, and every day is a struggle for me, but still I would rather know than have her faking it her whole life.