Post

I Need Help I'm In A Mess.

I've been with my husband 10 yrs now and we have 3 daughters. I really don't love him anymore, I have told him all about how I don't feel anything for him Anymore but he seems to think we can work it out, yet I don't. I started to fall out of love around 3 yrs ago and I'd talk to him and ask him to change certain things that annoyed me, and he would change for a week then slip back to normal. Now I've just had enough and feel nothing for him at all. I even freeze when he comes near me I don't want him to touch me or come near me. I haven't slept properly for months I haven't eaten properly for months making me loose over 3 and half stone in 6 months. I feel like a failure to my family and me. I must add he is kind and loving, a good fathe probably one of the most genuine men you will ever meet and we never argue. But it's just not quite enough for me. What do I do, I just don't know my kids are my everything and I really don't want to hurt them.
Messymaz Messymaz 31-35, F 11 Responses Aug 14, 2011

Your Response

Cancel

Well like so many others I'm in exactly the same situation. Part of me said "wait did I post here already". I'm afraid I don't agree with the saps telling you to stick it out. If you are like me then you started telling him three years ago the stuff that was bugging you but it fell on deaf ears. It seems like until they hear the word 'divorce' they don't take it seriously. However after three years it just makes a person numb. I don't want him to touch me I don't want to spend time with him and I absolutely hate when he tells me that he loves me. He is also a good man that does a lot around the house, good provider etc. He has never really prioritized the kids though. He's the kind of guy that buys something for somebody because he perceives a need. BUT if that person really doesn't need or want it then he turns into a sucky dumbass and complains bitterly about them. I think he appears to be a nice person to other people but all I get to hear is negative and I think a person can only take so much of that. In fairness to him I don't think I ever actually loved him. I used to have a theory that there were a number of people you could live with and be happy and I was getting older and wanted kids so it seemed like a good idea at the time. Turns out I was wrong. Marriage is hard even when you absolutely love each other. The worst part for me is that I can't seem to tell him that last part. It just seems so MEAN. But he isn't giving upso I'm probably going to have to. I mean I can't get back something I never had. I wouldn't trade my kids for the world though. <br />
So none of that helps you but I feel better that there are people in the same boat as me.

Well like so many others I'm in exactly the same situation. Part of me said "wait did I post here already". I'm afraid I don't agree with the saps telling you to stick it out. If you are like me then you started telling him three years ago the stuff that was bugging you but it fell on deaf ears. It seems like until they hear the word 'divorce' they don't take it seriously. However after three years it just makes a person numb. I don't want him to touch me I don't want to spend time with him and I absolutely hate when he tells me that he loves me. He is also a good man that does a lot around the house, good provider etc. He has never really prioritized the kids though. He's the kind of guy that buys something for somebody because he perceives a need. BUT if that person really doesn't need or want it then he turns into a sucky dumbass and complains bitterly about them. I think he appears to be a nice person to other people but all I get to hear is negative and I think a person can only take so much of that. In fairness to him I don't think I ever actually loved him. I used to have a theory that there were a number of people you could live with and be happy and I was getting older and wanted kids so it seemed like a good idea at the time. Turns out I was wrong. Marriage is hard even when you absolutely love each other. The worst part for me is that I can't seem to tell him that last part. It just seems so MEAN. But he isn't giving upso I'm probably going to have to. I mean I can't get back something I never had. I wouldn't trade my kids for the world though. <br />
So none of that helps you but I feel better that there are people in the same boat as me.

I'm catholic and it's frowned upon but for once in my life I've made the right decision for me and my family. I was unhappy with my husband which made my house and children unhappy. Since the break up I've hurt people but gained new friends and new life my children are happy and understand that I am happy. They look forward to seeing they're dad on a weekend and 1 night in the week and they're comfortable with the situation. Regards people's children going a little off the rails well my opinion don't they all at some point any way that's part of growing up and learning about who you are. Best of luck to anyone going through what I went through all I can say is go with your heart and believe in yourself, god will guide you through which ever path you choose is right for yourself and your family xx

MessyMaz, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I've been married for 19 years, and there is no love left for my husband. I don't respect him, sometimes I don't even like him. Why? After years of not being able to make up his mind, of making me feel guilty or like there is something wrong with me because I don't want sex as often as he does, not being the leader of the family he is supposed to be, not taking a more productive role in disciplining our children (I feel like a single parent already), speaking sarcastically to our 17-year-old who has the audacity to have his own beliefs, lauging off arguments, and many other things, I simply do not love him. Everyone admires my husband and are shocked when they hear I want a divorce, but they don't live with him to know what he's really like. We are Christians (though it might not sound like it right now), and he is a deacon in our church, so if I were to go through with a divorce, it would affect an entire congregation not just our family and friends. We tried some counseling, but it did no good. Last night, he told me if I would go through counseling one more time to dig into why I feel the way I do and it does no good, he would sign the papers. Today, he spoke as if he never said it. I have been praying for years for God to change me, change him, do whatever it takes to fix this marriage, and for whatever reason it hasn't happened. I have tried overlooking things, forgiving, praying, I've tried to make things easier for him, to relieve some of the stress he feels from his job and church responsibilities, but to no avail. Biblically speaking, I have no grounds for divorce, so what am I to do? People act as if I go through with this divorce, it will be the worst sin ever committed, I won't be able to get forgiveness for it because it's "premeditated" sin (yes, someone actually said that), my kids will turn to drugs (one already got caught with marijuana, which he has been using for a couple years and we didn't know it), our daughter will become pregnant out of wedlock, and basically the world will fall apart because I commit the sin of divorcing without Biblical reasons. I don't know what to do.

Hey Sharill, I don't know if this will be of any help to you but as someone who understands the stigma attached to divorced among the Christian community I'd like you to think about a trial separation. I think you might benefit from having some time to really sort through your truest feelings and deepest desires. I'm also concerned for the kids in your family. My dad was a Baptist missionary and I ended up suffering quite a bit at his hands because my mom was more concerned about "keeping the marriage together" than she was about her children's emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being. Anyway please know that you are NOT alone!!!! By the way, my dad was always against divorce his whole life but then one day when my finally did decide to divorce him it was amazing to see him "change his tune"........he has since remarried. I think it's really easy for other people to judge you who've never gone through what you've gone through so take heart.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad, or try to say I understand your situation, but from my experience I went through a time when I didn't feel the love that I wantd to feel with my husband either. The thought of leaving was defently on my mind. But I knew that my kids would suffer. I began to pray to God to change my heart. It took a while, but I have come to the realization that noone is perfect. And as long as I wasn't, or my kids were not in danger, then I needed to stick by him because that is what my vows were when I got married. I began to look at my own mistakes and forgiving him for his. Knowing I couldn't change him, but I can change me and the way I deal with certain things. Forgving him for not being God and for not being able to fix my problems, made me realize that I have a wonderful husband who is human. I have been keeping a dairy for 5 years now, and I have wrote out my frustrations and hurts, as well as everything that has been good between us. Realizing that no matter what, marriage takes work and determination. I realized that he loves me so much and that I won't find that with anyone else. I would hate to start over with someone knew. There is to much we have gone through. The past affects our present and our future and our kids life as well. I decided it is better to stick with him and work it out. He is a wonderful man. Honest, loving , caring, hard working, a good provider, and I am falling in love with him all over again. I felt that love come back. I know now that no matter what we go through that we will be together through the end. Especially with God the center of our relationship. He bonded us together when we said I do. As long as we keep God in our marriage, nothing can seperate us. Not saying that we don't have trying days, because we do. But on the days we don't like each other very well, we know our love for each other will always be there. It is unconditional. Hugs!

Messymaz, I am sorry to hear of your struggles and that your relationship is over with your husband. But am happy to hear that you are the happiest your've been in years. You have a lot on your plate now with change and the unknown. <br />
<br />
If I could make a suggestion from an outsider looking in and from a mom who raised her two children alone as a single mother their entire upbringing (and one with a disability) - check into counseling for the kids and yourself if you haven't already. It will make your transition smoother and you will deal with issues when they are fresh to avoid them from festering up with the kids being confused and feeling that they are the reason of your seperation. Kids often feel that their parents split up because of them.<br />
<br />
God bless you and your family and best wishes to you.

my update: 4 week ago i packed some things for myself and my kids and left a note to my husband that i couldnt take anymore and either he leaves or i do!!!! Lucky for me he decieded to ,leave and let me have the house for the sake of the kids. Since then we tried marriage councilling and it was a waste of time nothing could be done to help us now. He is living with his parents so there is still alot of contact between us until he gets his own place and we can make a proper routine. Im the happiest ive ever been and wish i had done this years ago. The kids are fine with it my eldest at 8 still asks plenty of questions but theres been no tears and tantrums because they understand im happier. Im filing for divorce next week because i just want closure and move on. All i will say is at times like these you find out who your real friends and family are.

I am in a very similar situation and would love to hear what you happened with you. I feel there is zero hope right now and I am just living a zombie life with my husband where I am going through motions. He will call and say, "I love you" and I can't EVEN say it back to him because I don't...Isn't that absolutely awful? Just know that you are not alone. As much as I really hope you work this out for your childrens' sake, you do deserve to be happy...and I would truly appreciate an honest update because we're all...rooting for YOU.

I understand your pain as I am in the same situation. All intamacy has left my marriage and I feel so alone. I am going through couple counseling but do not think it will not work in my situation. I just think I had to try everything before giving up on the marriage. Do what ever you can to save the marriage so if you can not save it you have no regrets. <br />
<br />
You do deserve to be happy and if you husband does not do that for you then you do have the right to move on and look for your happiness. None of it is easy with the kids, but I am sure you will work your way through it all. I never in a million years thought I would get divorced but that is exactly where I am headed so you are not alone. <br />
<br />
Best wishes to you

I'm not trying to over-step my boundrys, but the truth that we must all face is the fact that we have to make ourselves happy first. You can't rely on your husband to make you happy. What I am saying; is you can't make your husband happy, and he can't make you happy. It comes from inside yourself. I too have seen the movie fireproof, and yes even though the movie was a little corky, to say the least it had a good meaning to it. I believe it made me stop and realiz that my husband is not perfect. Nor am I. To let each other off the hook for not being God and being able to solve our problems and make each other happy. Yes, it took me a while to let that sink in, and sometimes I have to remind myself. But we have seen a huge difference in our relationship when we remember that. Best wishes to you both. denabob

Hi,<br />
<br />
I would love to see you fall in love with your husband again! There are tools out there that can help you. Have you seen the movie Fireproof? If not please watch it. Here is there website http://www.fireproofthemovie.com and please buy the book The Love Dare that goes along with the movie. Here is The Love Dare website http://thelovedarebook.com/index.html. This movie and book is absolutely amazing its helped so many marriages already including mine and can help yours as well. God bless.

I don't want to offend you and I am not judging you, but ba<x>sed on your short story, I am not under the impression that your husband is NOT abusive. This being the case, your situation is the classic where the relationship is so far gone that if you were to start counseling now, it would be a tremendous amount of work. Personally, as a mother who raised two children their entire upbringing by myself, I would not recommend divorce and I would recommend counseling and working it out. I know that you have no "feelings" for him, but he is your children's father, and you state a good father, at that. <br />
<br />
Love is a commitment. It's more than a "feeling" and it's a job. It takes work to work. We get out of it what we put into it. And of course, there are two in this partnership. One cannot do it all. <br />
<br />
I would, personally, get on my knees and pray. Every prayer I've ever prayed on my knees, the Lord has answered. Every single one! Then I would get into counseling and get counseling at least six months then make your decision. <br />
<br />
Again, I'm not judging you. I just hope you continue to search your heart and work things out. In the end you might end up happier with him than without him. Just imagine your marriage completely healed in five years. ... just my opinion.