I Have Tried To Love My Husband

I thought I loved my husband when we first married. I knew I wasn't madly in love with him but there was a since of respect and friendship. We had some difficult times and that love never turned into the kind of love you have for someone your in a relationship with. I finally became so depressed and desperate that I told him how I felt. We've even talked about ways to change the way I feel but he never makes much of an attempt. He constantly tells me he loves me in front of the kids knowing I will say it back to keep them unaware of the situation. He thinks that if he ignores this it will go away and he has consistently ignored the problem for 3 years. Im so unhappy. When he touches me I cringe. It feels like he doesn't mind that I dont love him as long as I dont leave him. The only time we make love is when I have been worn down by his annoying requests. I have felt in love before! With other men! I know why I married this man, he was safe and dependable. I was a single mom who had just spent the last 6 months looking for work in my field of study only to take a job just to get by. I had a huge student loan to pay and had never been with a man I felt like I could trust. Not to mention, I was working so many hours that I didnt get to spend any time with my child. It disgusts me that he is fine with being with someone who doesnt love him. How could he be okay with this?? And, how could he expect me to respect him for this behavior. I don't want to put our girls in a situation that will affect them negatively so I have to decide if putting them through a divorce is worse than living this way. I cant seem to find the right answer.
31-35, F
3 Responses Aug 5, 2012

I feel similarly. There is no easy or right answer...

I feel a lot of the same thing you do.. The cringing, not wanting to kiss him back, dreading intimacy, I feel like not wanting to hurt him only keeps him from finding someone who will love him like he deserves and keeps me from loving someone which I know I am capable of doing.. I stayed so long for the sake of the kids but now that my oldest Is 18 she tells me she always knew, and that I should have left long ago... The fear of the unknown and the dread of the whole inevitable process is the worst:/

I am in a similar situation. I jumped from one marriage to another relationship. I was grieving the loss of my dad dying and my current husband came into my life convinced me to not waste my life away with my ex. My ex and I had both cheated on each other but it had been two years prior to this. We had worked through our problems and were ok. I was a mess though after my dad died. I listened to this guy, got a divorce, and had him move in only 2 months after my husband left. 7 months before my divorce was finalized. He is so in love with me but not all I can do is thing about how disgusting our relationship started. What a horrible beginning. It has been almost 4 years now and I have 2 boys in elementary school who love him to death. He is wonderful to me and the kids but I just am not myself when he is around. My migraines have gotten worse and I find myself laughing and enjoying myself at work but then I get home and I just turn into a witch. My head hurts, I'm impatient, unhappy and I can't pretend anymore. I don't know if I am having a problem that I need to get over or if I need to just cut ties and move on. That is what I want to do but I don't want to make another rash decision with kids in the picture. My husband doesn't understand, or he does, but he doesn't get why it matters how it started if our relationship hasn't been bad. I get that but it doesn't make me feel any different. I don't even know what or how to love him. I just want to be a single mom and take care of my boys alone, but I don't want to be selfish. <br />
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I am very confused myself!!