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Why Do I Stay?

I cannot believe that I am doing this but I don't know what else to do. I have been married for almost 11 years to a man that has treated me like his child and NOT his wife. He is a military man and I have bent over backwards to make his life complete. But in the meantime I did not live my life. We have 3 children. The oldest is not his but he has been there since she was born. He has not been a great father. Which in turn I blame him for not letting me be the mother I wanted to be. He believed that kids should be seen and not heard and that is NOT how I wanted to raise my children. But I adapted myself to HIS ways and a few months ago I told him that I could not live like that anymore. He promised to change and for a few weeks he did but its slowly going back to the angry man he has always been. He and I can have the BEST of times when the kids are not around but I look at him and most of the time he makes my skin crawl. I WANT out more than anything but I continue to stay. We did the counceling thing, I went by myself mostly! He went twice.  I know in my heart that I dont love him but I continue to walk around this house and pretend like all is well. I am sick of it! I am so depressed. I am screaming inside. Then I always ask myself when he is trying, why can't I just love him? He has never cheated, he always comes home to me, he doesnt go out and party, he has the potential to be a good husband but, I DONT LOVE HIM! I dont think I ever did. I was a teen mom and he was the first to pay attention to me and I clung on! Well I want to let go but unsure if I should. I am at a loss, do I stay? Do I try to love him and help him change the way he says he will. Do I cut my losses and get out. Do you learn to love someone?

jojo14 jojo14 31-35 11 Responses Jun 30, 2008

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I was married for 20 years and could no longer stay. I was miserable, depressed the same as many have stated. It is scary; no doubt, but I did it. I have 2 boys at the time they were 18 and 16. My oldest son said to me "its about time mom". I was staying for them. You have to be happy. Life is not suppose to be miserable. If you are happy and healthy you will be an even better mother to your children.

He probably thinks you should be seen and not heard, too

I have been with my husband for 16 yrs. Im 34 and he is 46 I know I dont love him, but we have children together. So I was trying to stick it out for awhile. He sleeps on the couch because he has slept there for years not because of me as it started because he loves his T.V., I dont mind anymore as its a way to keep him away from me. I feel so guilty, depressed and so miserable. He still loves me but I have had no feelings for him for years, the only feelings I have for him is the respect I have for him as the father of our children. The thing is my oldest child who is 13 is not his but my husband has been there since I was pregnant with him. My other 2 children are his and are so awesome. We married and for me it was just to make sure our children had a stable home. Wtf is wrong with me I always said dont marry because of kids then what did I do, I wish I didnt marry him....... The sex thing is not good as he usually creeps in the room and I feel obligated to have intercourse with him and hate it the whole time its so degrating. I have no choice as he has a great job, security and alot of friends and he always tells me if I left, he would take our kids and make sure I will never see them again. I dont come from a rich family, so being poor doesnt scare me I will work 2 jobs if I have to. I have finally got a job after staying at home with kids for 11 yrs and have been feeling more confident. I think a trial seperation would help but Im still scared to death my kids are my life without them Im not sure if I can handle life. Not thinking of suicide just scared thats all. I so understand how u feel and wish u the best.

Hey JoJo.....I don't know if this will be off any consolation or help but rather than thinking about your situation as kind of a "all or nothing" scenario why don't you give some thought to the possibility of having a trial separation? Obviously I don't know all of the things surrounding your situation but I think at the very least you owe it to yourself to give yourself some space to think about your life as a whole and what you really want out of it. Most importantly though, remember you are human and there are nothing wrong with your feelings.....we all struggle. Just know there are others like you out there and are pulling for you!!!

Hey JoJo.....I don't know if this will be off any consolation or help but rather than thinking about your situation as kind of a "all or nothing" scenario why don't you give some thought to the possibility of having a trial separation? Obviously I don't know all of the things surrounding your situation but I think at the very least you owe it to yourself to give yourself some space to think about your life as a whole and what you really want out of it. Most importantly though, remember you are human and there are nothing wrong with your feelings.....we all struggle. Just know there are others like you out there and are pulling for you!!!

Focus on what you want instead of focusing on what this guy is or is not doing for you. Sounds like you want to have some independence and now that you are older you have enough confidence to give it a shot.

My life pretty close in a nutshell. Not a military man, but law enforcement. Been telling myself I want out for a long time....I feel your pain.

OMG! I feel for you because it sounds like me. I don't know what to do either. I STAY because of my 12 year old daughter. I love her but not my husband. I wish you good luck.

Wow, i think we are living the same life. There are the days when you think, "yea, i can handle this", but then there is always something that happens that can just make you want to split. I have been trying to make myself love him for quite awhile. There are moments when i think we have it back, but then he will call me and taunt me, belittle me. Soon after, apologize, but the words are still in my mind. I have come to the conclusion that i will never be able to heal from what he has put me through. I agree with the first comment. Why stay. It does not matter who loves who anymore. It has gotten to the point to where you are miserable and a relationship takes the efforts of TWO people, not just you. Dont you think you deserve to be happy, and him as well. We are not doing ourselves any favors by trying to play pretend. we have to stop lying to ourselves and just pick up and move on with our lives. Thats just my thoughts. Interesting how easy it is to type it all down, then when it actually comes down to doing it....

I wish it was as easy as him not loving me! Thats the problem! He said that he loves me more than anything and he will do whatever he has to so that I stay. But I am the one that does not love him. I feel like if I try hard enough that I can make myself love him. I just want to know if that is even possible!

JoJo, I respect the things that you have said that you have done for your husband. I am a military man myself, and I know how ***-holish we can be. My wife and I don't get along either. We are at the point of getting ready to go to counseling. I have brought it up a bunch of times when we argue. I have even told her to pack her sh*t and leave... but we always talk it out in the end (even though I don't think that I love her anymore). If he doesn't love you, why stay? If you have done everything that you can to fix it, why stay, you know?