Limbo Is HellHi, my story is long so I will try to summarize.I have been with my husband
for 22 years,16 of those have been alright.I am in a personal hell right now
I want to leave but I am a coward ,and I feel sorry for him.I have always been a doormat to him,but when I was younger I believed he would see how valuable i
was by all of the things I did for him.Working 36 hrs a week cooking, cleaning,
getting up at 4 am to make his lunch etc.He has never been very emotional or
overly "lovey" and I dealt with it.We lived together for 9 yrs before we married,and in that time I wanted children so bad he would always say if i got
pregnant i would have to get an abortion and that he was never getting married.
He eventually did ask me to marry him after 9 yrs. So we built a house and life rolled along, we never went anywhere he didn't want to go if we went on "vacation" it was hunting or fishing trips,anytime i wanted to go to a museum
or something it was stupid or a waste of money.Add to that if I ever wanted to go anywhere with friends or alone I was meeting a guy.Constantly he was commenting on me wearing earrings perfume make up etc.I have been accused of F*^^ing most of his friends, and I have never been unfaithful.He is a very good
looking man,but gained alot of weight while doing a sedentary job so he went on atkins 6 yrs ago.He lost like 45 lbs and was HOT.However that is when he started drinking whiskey, it started out small like one whiskey and coke evry other night or so, then escalated to every night and now it is at least 4 per night.
It was also in the past 4 yrs that we started to try to have a baby.I tried to conceive for over 2.5 yrs on my own. and during that time every month he was so nasty blaming me and telling me I was a failure,"everyone else's wife is pregnant"whats the matter with you? You must be sabatoging it, or you are on the pill, I know you don't want a kid..ugh on and on I began to care less about me and just felt I had to get pregnant or else. My feeling of love toward him was beginning to diminish, In 09 my mother passed away, he never hugged me or said anything ,I suffered in silence.I became cold and indifferent.
Nov 2010 I finally get pregnant, instead of being happy (him) he just says yea right bet you are not.The feeling for me was redemption, I became so in love with my baby,made plans could see it all before me.Jan 2011 i go to my obgyn and get an ultrasound.. No heartbeat my baby has died within me.
I sat in my car all day in a parking lot and cried like there was no tomorrow.
I finally went home and told him.I will never forget this he folded his arms across his chest and said,"So it's a dud huh?"That is the day I took my heart out of my marriage and I now am only here physically. We are now on the brink of divorce and I cannot pull myself back in or turn the love back on, yet I am too much of a coward to just leave him, i am scared he will drink himself to death and deep down he is a good guy... I am now a walking basket case
Madbunny 36-40 4 Responses 0 Oct 12, 2012