Limbo Is Hell

Hi, my story is long so I will try to summarize.I have been with my husband
for 22 years,16 of those have been alright.I am in a personal hell right now
I want to leave but I am a coward ,and I feel sorry for him.I have always been a doormat to him,but when I was younger I believed he would see how valuable i
was by all of the things I did for him.Working 36 hrs a week cooking, cleaning,
getting up at 4 am to make his lunch etc.He has never been very emotional or
overly "lovey" and I dealt with it.We lived together for 9 yrs before we married,and in that time I wanted children so bad he would always say if i got
pregnant i would have to get an abortion and that he was never getting married.
He eventually did ask me to marry him after 9 yrs. So we built a house and life rolled along, we never went anywhere he didn't want to go if we went on "vacation" it was hunting or fishing trips,anytime i wanted to go to a museum
or something it was stupid or a waste of money.Add to that if I ever wanted to go anywhere with friends or alone I was meeting a guy.Constantly he was commenting on me wearing earrings perfume make up etc.I have been accused of F*^^ing most of his friends, and I have never been unfaithful.He is a very good
looking man,but gained alot of weight while doing a sedentary job so he went on atkins 6 yrs ago.He lost like 45 lbs and was HOT.However that is when he started drinking whiskey, it started out small like one whiskey and coke evry other night or so, then escalated to every night and now it is at least 4 per night.
It was also in the past 4 yrs that we started to try to have a baby.I tried to conceive for over 2.5 yrs on my own. and during that time every month he was so nasty blaming me and telling me I was a failure,"everyone else's wife is pregnant"whats the matter with you? You must be sabatoging it, or you are on the pill, I know you don't want a kid..ugh on and on I began to care less about me and just felt I had to get pregnant or else. My feeling of love toward him was beginning to diminish, In 09 my mother passed away, he never hugged me or said anything ,I suffered in silence.I became cold and indifferent.

Nov 2010 I finally get pregnant, instead of being happy (him) he just says yea right bet you are not.The feeling for me was redemption, I became so in love with my baby,made plans could see it all before me.Jan 2011 i go to my obgyn and get an ultrasound.. No heartbeat my baby has died within me.
I sat in my car all day in a parking lot and cried like there was no tomorrow.

I finally went home and told him.I will never forget this he folded his arms across his chest and said,"So it's a dud huh?"That is the day I took my heart out of my marriage and I now am only here physically. We are now on the brink of divorce and I cannot pull myself back in or turn the love back on, yet I am too much of a coward to just leave him, i am scared he will drink himself to death and deep down he is a good guy... I am now a walking basket case
Madbunny Madbunny
5 Responses Oct 12, 2012

Well, I'm sad for your loss of a baby...but it's a miracle that the baby doesn't have that abusive wretch for a father. You need to walk your basket case out the door to a happier life. You seem pretty do have a spine. Use it. You are NOT going to fix this guy. He disrspected you the whole together often leads to situations of men feeling trapped and obligated. You don't have children? RUN. RUN AWAY before you do. Develop your back bone and there will be a man who appreciates your new assertiveness. The man you are with is a drunk.

I married in 1988 at age of 19... had lots of good years & holidays.. After 10 years of marriage we had a child, then 3 more... they are up a bit now but though my husband loves me,I don't love him... I left after 24 years of marriage & its a hard struggle financially, but I know its best for me.. the children reside with me, & he see's them often.. I know if I had stayed I would have been unfaithful & did not want that to happen. i am enjoying my freedom, but am job searching to make life with the kids financially secure.. i have dated a few but tend to back off a bit, don't let any get too close.. am enjoying life as best i can.. If your totally sure you want out... get out, whats point waiting til your too old to enjoy what you can whilst still able...

Leaving someone you have been with for so long is scary. I have known my husband since I was 11 years old. I went from being with my mom to being with him. It has made me feel that I can't be alone either. I dread the day my kids grow up and leave the home and I am alone with just him and something were to happen to him. I don't think I could handle it.

I know how you feel, I have been there. I was able to turn the love back on. I was scared to leave cause I felt old and worthless. I have 4 kids and at the time I didn't even have a GED. But in my case it came to a point where I thought, okay am I going to do something about this or just cry all the time. I changed my life cause I was sick of hearing me complain about it.
In the end you have to ask yourself what you want out of life. It's not your responsibility to take care of him before yourself. A marriage is a partnership. If he was meeting your needs then it would be fine for you to put his 1st. But he isn't. Just think this is how you feel now, imagine 10 more years? Now that's madness. No one needs to stay with someone who doesn't make them feel happy. It's called your better half for a reason.

The advise I give my girls is to marry or be with someone who makes you feel like the best YOU you can be. The one that you don't have to act to be someone you aren't. That will love to do things you love to do even if they don't like them, just for the simple fact that it will bring a smile to your face. That's what I have learned in my 31 years of life and 14 years of marriage.

Easy its not but even though what happened to your pregnancy is the worst thing ever, see it as a reason. Maybe God didn't want to tie you to this man for another moment. Maybe this was something you had to endure to give you the strength or the sign that it's time to move on.

Oh my god.. Your story makes me know I must find the guts to move on... I can not imagine another 15 years wasted, waiting, being unfulfilled emotionally..
You deserve to be happy and so do I, and everyone else who's in a similar boat.

Thanks for reading,no I haven't left,I am such a coward.I am afraid it will destroy him,I know he sounds like a monster,but is a very hard worker and loves animals ,and has never hit me.I feel sorry for him.I now just have no joy in my life,I feel numb.I want only a bit of cash to go I have 800 saved up and he can keep the house cars etc,I do not want to financially ruin him.I love him for all the things he has been to me but just cannot turn that love back on like it should be.I also know it will hurt my family(whats left of them) and his mom very much..I mainly stay for everyone but me.I keep thinking soon I will get the courage to go,I finally told him the truth about how I feel,he said he would be fine if I left,but that that just shows what a failure I am.Uggh I seek solace in sleeping and my 3 cats and have thrown myself into my work,for now it is ok,but eventually this will destroy me.I know I have to go at some point...