Losing My Hope
I don't love my husband.
The sentence makes me breathless and it makes tears prickle in my eyes. But, I think it's true.
I've been married to my husband for two years. We've been together for six years, and I've known him since 2nd grade. Yes, he used to chase me around the schoolyard because he thought I was pretty. Yes, we had classes together all throughout school. And yes, it was like a dream come true when we took the next step and he proposed to me.
The thing is, I'm generally a very happy person. As in, I smile all the time, or I used to. My husband turned out to be a very, extremely moody person. He can have night and day in the span of a few hours. He was like this before we were married, too.
I dealt with him, and I dealt with his emotional problems. He's had a lot of life experiences that weren't too kind with him, so I forgave him over and over again when he had these "moments" (and let's be fair, I had my own moments too, just not as many). I loved him and I wanted him to be happy, and he told me that I was the embodiment of happy to him. I'd never felt more touched in my life.
Things were a little stranger after we got engaged. I told him I wanted to keep my last name, and would hyphenate. He completely flipped out on me, giving me a speech involving how there can only be one "pilot" and one "co-pilot", and that he was the "pilot" and if I didn't want his name, then I didn't want him. I was outraged at this because it made me feel like my family wasn't good enough (my family is very small, and it's for that reason I wanted to keep my name). I tried giving him other examples, like two ships tied securely together, but he wouldn't budge. I gave him back his ring and left that night.
The next day he apologized, put the ring back on my finger, and agreed to the name thing. His parents weren't (and still aren't) happy about my "official" name, and if they ever write anything to me, they address it with his last name and not mine. I grit my teeth and deal with it though, even though they know they are pushing my buttons. I've never been on a great level with my in-laws, though. The whole family is, for lack of a better word, strange. His parents never respected the fact that I pushed myself to get a Bachelor's degree. I was extremely motivated to get my education.
To elaborate on this, one night, my husband (though at the time he was my fiance) and I had an argument at his parents' house. His father (who is a very ranty, ravy, preaching type of person) then proceeded to give me a lecture about everything that was not related to our argument. He insulted my education, he insulted my family, and most of all he insulted me. I will never, ever forgive him for this. My husband even saw his chance and jumped in with the insults. He knew what had motivated me to pursue my education, and he and his father like some double-headed monster called it a crutch. I burst into tears and begged my husband to take me home, but instead he allowed me to be verbally beaten into the ground about everything I thought different about.
The whole gist of that argument was that I should only talk when spoken to, not think for myself, and cook and clean and be a baby factory for my husband.
I bawled my eyes out when I fled to my parents, who were justifiably outraged that their daughter was so depressed and hurt. For a while they refused to speak to his parents, and were amazed at me when I forgave my husband and tried to move on from that point.
Looking back now, that's when the relationship started to die, and I should have let it do so.
Instead, we moved on. I was only as cordial as I needed to be with my husband's parents. They continued to pester me for "plans" about when I would think about being pregnant.
As it got closer to our wedding day, a part of me was crying out that I shouldn't get married. I chose to quell that voice and think that maybe marriage would make things better for both of us, that we'd both change.
Naturally, if you aren't married and you start to hear this voice, listen to it. Something is wrong. Marriage and all the reasons you decide to marry should be extremely happy, not an if -> then calculation.
At the wedding, his entire family poked and prodded me about having children. My entire family told me they were so incredibly happy to see me as happy as I was. I felt like I had made a mistake at my own wedding, and I nearly cried.
Fast forward, and our second Christmas together has me being cornered by his grandmother at his family's party who is begging me to have a child before she dies.
He has three sisters, each of which has either had a child or is pregnant with one. They're all younger than us. I say that I don't feel ready to have a child, much less bring a child into our debt load. Once again, they drop the not-so-subtle hint that I should never have gone to college, negating one of the achievements I've been so proud of (I finished with High Honor and was the first in my family to get a Bachelor's degree). My best friend was even present for some of this, and remarked that my body was in fact my own and I'd decide what I wanted to do with it when I wanted to. She couldn't believe what I have to go through when they all get together.
Lump this on top of the fact that my husband's mood swings have only gotten worse. He has extreme highs and extreme lows, and he seems to be the opposite of everything I am. He can't be happy just to be happy. He enjoys playing devil's advocate so much with me that I don't even bother talking with him about much anymore to prevent my feelings from being hurt. I place a lot of importance on how people feel emotionally, but he doesn't seem to respect my own feelings.
There have been physical altercations, too. It hasn't happened again in months, and if he tries it ever again, I made sure he knew that I would disappear.
At home, we can't even sleep in the same bed because I talk in my sleep and snore sometimes, and my husband yells at me and wakes me up so I never have a complete night's rest. I started to sleep on the couch.
I started to crawl into myself and was hiding from everything. I met someone who saw right into me after a month of knowing me, when nobody else seemed to care about me. He is the best friend I have, and he's nothing but concerned about me, and for me. He's the reason I've started to wake up and realize that I'm so unhappy. He's been trying to help me repair this relationship but I'm starting to realize that I don't want to. I'm just so tired, of everything. When I think about this whole mess, I get so physically instantly tired...
I think my husband would be better off with someone else, maybe someone else with thicker skin than I, and if he really wants kids, I know they won't be with me. I wouldn't and will not bring a child into this world that had to deal with that family of his, especially when they'd dislike the child's mother so.
Like I've told my friend, I just want to be happy again, and he wants me to be happy, too. I feel so stuck, but at least, I don't feel as alone as I used to.