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No More Love

I can't believe this forum exists. How nice to be able to share how unhappy and sad I feel. It's so hard to talk about my lack of love for my husband when everyone around me seems to be so happy in their marriage.

Anyway, we've been married for about 12 years and have four children. There are so many things that he has done that has betrayed my trust and respect for him. I'll try to keep it short since I'll need a novel to explain how I've lost the loving feeling for my husband.

It all began within our first year of marriage. I found out that he had no financial sense at all and would gamble to the point of bouncing checks. He wouldn't pay bills, balance his checkbook, put anything in savings, etc... I would threaten to leave and he would get it together for a few months and things would go right back. We've been to a marriage counselor, which he hated and thought was stupid. I've been to a psychologist because I really thought I was going crazy. In 2004, we seperated for a year after I seriously began having suicidal thoughts and the sight of my husband would make me sick to my stomach. Yes, my husband has a way for saying things that make you think you are the crazy one and all our problems were my fault. I can honestly say that during the year of seperation I stopped feeling suicidal and started to feel happy again. Then, stupid me, I let him back into my life. We moved back together and things were good for maybe two years and now it's back to  me feeling like I don't love him anymore. I know most of my feelings are because he just isn't the type of man that I want to be with forever. He spends hours and hours online playing games, but can't seem to spend time with his family. He sometimes doesn't even wake up on Christmas morning to watch the kids open gifts...how sad is that?

Is my husband a terrible person? No, he really isn't. I think he just isn't the right man for me. I don't think either of us can make the other happy anymore.  

notinlove notinlove 36-40 4 Responses Jul 18, 2009

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You are all crazy! You do not know what love is! You confuse it with all kinds of feelings with other names. We have quit using those words in English, because too many people are illiterate. I adore you is not the same as I love you. I am infatuated with you is not the same as I love you. I am enthralled with you is not the same as I love you. Get out a thesaurus for other related, but not equal words. Then look them up in a dictionary. Then read some of the classics of English and Russian literature to find the distinctions. Only then can you begin to understand Love. You're not finished even then. Grab your Bible, yes, the Bible. Read the stories in the Old Testament that are about couples. Read Proverbs and see what a godly character means, because this is the kind of character that is loveable and loving. Read the passages in the New Testament about love. Then try to live all of this that you have read in the classics and the Bible and you will learn what love really is. Then your marriage will not be empty any longer. I know from experience.

Love is action! Love is Sacrifice. Love is receiving with respect and gratitude. Love is giving affection and finding it in the small things. Love means changing your corrupt heart that only thinks about itself and learning how to feel real Love that is all of the above. The feelings of Love are more subtle and stronger than we are looking for. Our hearts are calloused. That is the truth.

leah761<br />
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I didn't fall out of love within our first year of marriage. It was something that happened gradually over time. Remember the above is a very condensed story and it didn't happen all in one year. During the first couple of years everything was still salvageable. Things weren't always terrible and I really did love my husband at one point. I would say that I started to not love him right around the time of our fourth child. Honestly, our last child was an accident, but I was not about to have an abortion. Emotionally the last pregnancy was difficult and I cried a lot. Anyway, maybe I'm crazy, but when I took my marriage vows and said "for better or worse" I meant it. I never wanted to be another divorce statistic give up on our marriage until I gave it my all.<br />
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As for why I'm still here. *Sigh* I know everyone has strong opinions on staying or leaving, but it is hard when there are children. I do what is best for them right now. When we seperated my first son had an extremely terrible time with it. He went from a happy child to being mean and angry. Lashing out at me daily. Now my two middle children are around the same age as my first son when dh and I seperated. I don't want to put them through a divorce or seperation, so for now here I am. <br />
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FlyingNinjas<br />
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Yes he does.

He sounds like he has an addictive personality.

can I just ask, why did you have 4 kids with a man you do not love and knew you did not in the first year of marriage and why are you still with him now?