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Time For You to Go

How do you keep almost 11yrs brief? I doubt I can but will do my best. We met in Nov 98, I was a single mom with 3 kids working 2ND shift at a local hospital. He was my Mr. Wonderful, my night in shining armour.The kind,supportive, wants to help, fix it all for you, accepts you and your kids kind of guy. July 99 we move in together, maybe a little too soon. Things were still very good between us, he changes shifts to work the same shift as me. Somewhere late 99 early 2000 I find out he smokes weed. Which I am totally against, and also know for someone who had a problem with cocaine 4-5 yrs ago, cannot be doing. He promises me he won't do it again since he knows how strongly I feel. Tells me I mean more to him than smoking weed.

Life continues on, we begin to have arguments. As time goes on the arguments get worse. Looking back now I can see the verbal/emotional abuse that was there. But I couldn't see it then.

November 2000 I became pregnant after he was told he only had a max of 20% of ever fathering a child. I found out in Dec, at a point where my kids and I had moved into a place of our own only days prior. He was ecstatic, I was scared shitless. The pregnancy was a very rough and high risk one. I almost lost our son at 8wks due to a blood pocket between him and the placenta. At 38 weeks we found out something was wrong with his brain, possible hydrocephalus. We were so scared, but held tightly to each other. On July 29,2001 we had a 9lb 3oz baby boy, who was perfect in our eyes. 24 hrs later we learned he has complete agenesis of the corpus callosum.

Sept 01 he was back to his old self. Verbal abuse got worse and most of the time in front of the kids. Nov02 he is out of control, things get physically violent in front of all 4 kids. Police are called, charges were pressed. But of course I eventually I took him back. We had a off and on relationship for the next 2 yrs. By christmas 04 we were totally back together he just was not moved in. Our relationship continues with me being the people pleaser. He still says horrible ,hurtful things to me about me, in front of my kids.

Jan 05 his mom starts losing feeling in her legs, which quickly progresses. I , being a nurse start begging him to take her for a second opinion I was scared it was cancer again. March 3 05 she died from bone cancer which had spread to her lungs,kidneys and liver. He become despondent, and severely depressed(he never knew his dad because his dad walked out when he was a baby). His behavior was very strange and scary at times. Out of control mood swings--Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde. Strange people were showing up at the house.  Oct 2005 kids and I move in with him in deceased mother's house. Felt very uncomfortable.About 21/2 weeks later kids and left at 10pm because he was scaring the **** out of me, ranting,screaming making threats to kick us out.

Only saw each other to drop off and pick up our son for visitation. I had another protective order against him. Later found he slept with someone only days after kids and I left. O forgot to say he cheated on me shortly after his mom died, yes I know for a fact he gave me a gift.Around March of 06 starts seeing another what I call nasty. She had no car lived in a nasty trailer, had lost her kids. He drove her to pee in the cup since she was trying to get her kids back--no she didn't cuz she kept having dirty drops. OK so in 06 we have to go to court for child support, visitation,etc. We are court ordered to go to parenting classes, but not scheduled for about 5 months. During the classes we actually start to talk, which we have not done in almost a year. He starts the I miss you so much, I never stopped loving you, the apologies. Of course I fall for it hook line and sinker. After about 8-9 weeks he tells me over the phone he thinks we should get married. I tell him I do not accept that and he needs to do a proper proposal. So about 3 weeks later on christmas eve with kids their he gives me my ring and formally asks me. Yes I cried and everything.

We were to get married Feb 14 but had a blizzard overnight and everything was closed. I made the mistake of asking him if he thought it was a sign. He blew up big time. April 07 he got hurt at work and was totally dependent on me to take care of him. I'm talking showering,toileting everything. We were schedule to get married May 4 and I said we could postpone it. He was absolutely sure he did not want, even though he was on crutches. Got married and things were pretty good, he had some appreciation for me for all I had done. Even though there was no sex for almost 6 months. End of Sept the old hubby comes back--mood swings and all. Nov 07 we finally move out of his mothers house, thank god. Once we settled into our new place things were VERY good he was loving, spent time with me everyday, was playful. Like we really were newlyweds, even in the bedroom.

I took him out for his b-day Jan 24 08. That nite we got into a fight because he didn't like something I said. It ended with him biting me so bad I had a 4 in diameter bruise for 2 weeks. The moods swings came back full force, all the verbal abuse. He started making physical threats,acting like he was going to hit me the laughed when I would flinch. Feb it all came to a head, police were called. They did nothing to him kept trying to force me to leave, which in end I did. Ended up per protective order he was removed from house. I filed for divorce in April. Had not talked to him,not saying he didn't try. Coincidentally 2 weeks after he was police escorted out of home. Someone tried to break in.......Divorce is going along, he thinks he is going to get all the furniture,washer,dryer,stove and frig!! In June I let our son send him a fathers day gift and school picture. Which prompts him to start calling. I would not talk to him just put our son on phone. While I was on vacation with our son he started telling our son he wanted to talk to me. I still would not talk to him so always had an excuse. Aug our son started football for the 1st time. Hubby used to coach with the league, so he started to come to practice. I would ignore him, he would start sitting closer and closer. When he noticed this one dad flirting with me, all of a sudden he was introducing me as his wife to people!! We did start talking, then more talking for hours. Then he kissed me I didn't realize I still had buried feelings for him. He wanted to come home and started to beg. I would not let him. I let him stop by after work no more than 3 days a week. Then he could stay for supper. Then by about almost 3 months he could come by on the weekends--there was NO sleeping over or sex. Before christmas, all 4 kids were gone and he took me on a date and I gave in and we had sex--thank god I made him use a condom--but he could not stay the nite. I sent him back to his little apt at 1am! By Jan I gave in and we decided end of month he would totally move in since his lease would be up Feb5. End of Feb I find out he is facing federal embezzlement charges! I did not know anything about this, it was just kind of dropped in my lap. Then I found out the worst of it. He had stolen the money in 05-06, so we were together part of the time. He was using it to feed his coke habit. I do not know how long he had been using. I know for sure he cheated more times than I knew about. He is court ordered to go to a outpatient dependency program, NA meeting twice a week, random drug tests, 3 yrs probation and restitution. When I found out it was a major deal breaker for me, when I had the whole story, which he did not tell me I threw up. When I found out he had to get help,get clean and stay clean, I thought well maybe there is hope. He is finally getting the counseling he has needed for years. I tried to stay open minded, but my feelings and never been the same since he came home. I did not trust him, and he had to prove it. So March goes by he is doing what he supposed to, behavior is pretty good. April still doing what he is supposed to, having mood swings.May he gets sentenced to what he thought, but still a relief. Behavior changes even more, more mood swings and I am tired of being the peace keeper, running interference so there isn't a blow up. I am sick and tired of it and don't need this bullshit anymore. I want him gone now. He keeps saying he is leaving but never does. I finally tell him to just leave you want to so damn bad, doors open get the hell out. He tells me he isn't leaving "his" hose unless the police drag him out. I finally tell that can be arranged. By this point I know he will **** up soon, and decide my best course is to sit back and wait and have the police haul his *** out. He of course is completely verbally/emotional abusive to me and the boys, he leaves my18yr daughter alone. My chance came on June 25 and I took it, went on the 26 got protective order and had him removed from the house. There was such a huge sense of relief to walk into the house and he is not here. Kids act differently also.

I have learned things about my husband since Feb,not from him,that makes me hate him. I cannot tolerate being lied to. If you love a person you do not lie to them. If you love a person you do not hurt them in anyway, verbally,emotionally, physically. That includes name calling,belittling them--as these are forms of verbal abuse. I have already been looking into getting my divorce reopened. I have taken way too long to learn my lesson, and a very hard lesson to learn. But I DO NOT love him and really have not since I found out all the crap. Me and my kids are worth sooooooo much more.

So there is my almost 11yrs. If you have made it to this point I thank you for reading it.

 

strawberry1969 strawberry1969 36-40, F 8 Responses Jul 19, 2009

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Ur story is so similar to mine...I have been with my husband for 10 1/2 yrs..we have 4 kids....he has been in and out of jail...this last time he did a year...i hoped he would change after seeing everything I have done for him...but no everything is d same...he continues to b emotionally physically and verbally abusive...he has been out for 4 months...and this whole time its been mood swing after mood swing...yells on how I'm not doin anything right..how he knows I'm cheating...even though everything hs the one cheating...which its not a surprise cuz he has cheated lots of times...but only one time he left me for a girl and stayed with her for year but through out that time continued to brain wash me and make me wait on him till he got tired of her...there r signs that hes back to cheating....like a blocked call from a girl at 2 am...which i pretended to b asleep so I heard everything..but he Hung up on her she returns d call so i act like i wake up...ask bout it...he gives me d phone and says blocked call but dey didn't say anything when I answered...dat was i lie cus I heard her ...so I answer d call..d girl says nothing..so then after that I confront him about it ...so he acts all mad..refuses to talk and hits me in back cuz I insist..den phone is on silent all d time...and i come home one day and d pictures of him and me in d fr<x>ames are flipped over...he says dey must of fell down... I know he will get in trouble again with d police so I'm just riding it out....hopefully everything turns out for d good..cuz I can't take d abuse no more or d cheatings...I feel so used...no love from him...i see everybody around me and there husbands talk to dem and treat dem different...and all I do is go anywhere somebody is not seeing and cry...i can't take it no more...but I kno if I leave ...he will make my life impossible everyday...he will not leave me alone...i don't want him in jail cuz I kno my kids need him...but i know that's d only way I can get out...and for sure no matter what I'm not coming back...i have learned my lesson...this man does not love me...he just uses me...and i didnt mention his mother is d same...dey think I should put up with everything cuz he s only acting like a man and its normal...and when I try to leave she acuses me of being weak..that I'm not a women enough...im sorry but I don't think any women should have to go threw this...I wouldn't wish this on anyone...it feels horrible.. she doesn't care that all these years I have been there for him money always came from me when he wss in jail...even if it meant me not eating lunch at work all that month..I feel so unappreciated ...

Sorry that you and your kids had to go through the nightmare we call life. It sounds like you had falling in love with a real loser and just need to move forward from this point forward. Don't look back and just go forward, Try and be civil for the sake of your son, but it is time to move on. <br />
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Wish you the best of luck

Good job leaving his ***! He sounds like a typical moron. Good job getting up the strength to dump him once in for all!<br />
Just remember that out of all of you your children are the most affected.

It was never quite that bad for me, though I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. It was all "I love you"s until we got settled in our relationship, then something would always be more important than me. He would even break up with me to try and be with someone else (I will give him credit for not cheating on me), though when he got refused or it simply didn't work out, it would be back to "I love you" and I would be with him because I didn't think anyone else would want me, much less love me. Though I'm having problems (as evidenced in my own story) I'm grateful to my husband for having helped me break that stupid cycle years ago and see how much of a **** my ex was. His words helped me stand strong when I wanted to give in to the "I love you" all over again. Thankfully, when my ex realized I wasn't going to go crawling back to him anymore, he moved on. And he did so as if I meant nothing to him. I don't know what it is about that "no one wants me" crap that gets into our heads that keeps us in a bad relationship, but I'm glad to have gotten out of that, and I'm sure you are too.<br />
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I hope that you and your children are doing well in these months since. It sounds like you're giving them the best life you can.

OldGroupiesNeverDie:<br />
Thank you for your kind and supportive words. In my mind and heart I know I am doing the right thing and am finally at peace within myself. This also means I am doing what is best for my kids, its not too late for them.<br />
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Yes we will survive, I will damn sure of it! Thanks:)

Good on you, honey! Ignore the naysayers: you did the right thing.<br />
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Now that he's gone from your home, you just need to cut him out of your life completely. Don't give him an inch - even a fraction of an inch! - or else he will just try to wheedle his way back in. People like this never change, and (despite all the false apologies) they never take any real responsibility for their own actions.<br />
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You sound like you're on the right track now though. Stay the course - stay strong. I can see that you're one tough lady. :) You survived him for as long as you did, so you can sure as hell survive WITHOUT him.<br />
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Break the cycle. Make your kids proud. :)

sallysuewalker: I want to say shame on you for pointing the finger at me. You only have a piece of my life from which you have judged me. Are you saying you have never made mistakes, hurt people? If you say yes then you are God. Where do you even get off saying I tried to control him? How the hell do you control a abusive, controlling man? Were you raised in an abusive home? Have you been abused by your husband,partner significant other? If not how do you even begin to try and understand, lest judge? Ever heard of battered woman's syndrome--it's real. Ever hear it follows generations in families. So if you are raised in it and only know it, who or what will you marry? Have you ever been to a women's shelter? You need to volunteer in one. Since you want to judge and catagorize us all.<br />
Yes life is about choices, but how are we to learn that. We are controlled, given no choices, not allowed to have a opinion about anything. Told we are worthless, stupid,fat,ugly, no other man would want us. It is ingrained into your brain, and you believe it. You are isolated from friends and family. Many times you cannot leave the house without them.<br />
It takes a VERY strong woman to get out,most of us have no money as he controls it all. To get up the courage to say" I can't do this, I have had enough" is one of the hardest things to do.<br />
Yes I HAD been a nurse. I lost my ability to perform as a nurse, between all the the blows to the back, being kicked in the back, and shoved against walls. Then I was involved in a car accident. Which left me with permanent nerve damage, it will NEVER improve only get worse. 4 bulging disc, degenerative disc disease at 4 levels--meaning I am inoperable. I live in chronic pain everyday of my life so bad I have to force myself to get out of bed because my kids need me. I have a spinal stimulator implanted. Radiculapathy, neuropathy, little to no feeling in my right foot, among other things. I have very strict limitations/restrictions; such as no lifting over 5lbs--a gallon of milk weighs 8lbs. I am unemployable. I gave up a part of my life, who I am because I was driving to pick my son up from school and a old lady who didn't where she was going hit me.<br />
Say what you may, it is nothing compared to the guilt and remorse I have beat myself over. Which does nothing, it doesn't help my kids or me. Judge not lest ye be judged. Ever hear those who live in glass houses should never throw stones. My great grandpa always taught us never judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes. Have you walked a mile in my shoes?<br />
I have my kids in counseling. Have always valued their educations, put them thru private school--that means all the way to graduation. All maintain B's even in college, are involved in sports and I juggle between 4 kids in different activities at the same time. But I always make it to equal amounts for each one. Yes I have screwed up and made mistakes but so does everyone else. I know I have done a few thigs right though or my kids would not be able to function and succeed. I know for a year I been in counseling, a support group for battered women, and this year started going to alanon. I am doing what I need to to better myself, help my kids, help myself, learn to make better/different choices in men. No it's not too late it's never too late. I am showing my kids I am strong, I can make it without him, I will not let him hurt us anymore, that those kind of behaviors are not acceptable. The big one is I pray to God I can break the cycle, that I know has been going on at least 70yrs!

WOW! NOT POOR YOU, BUT POOR CHILDREN-AFTER 11YEARS, THE KIDS HAVE SPENT THE BEST OF THEIR CHILDHOOD IN TUMOIL. i HAVE NO SYMPATHY FOR YOU,THIS IS A TYPICAL STORY, MOST WOMEN WASTE TIME ON SOME MAN. BUT YOU LIKE TO POINT THE FINGER AT THE SHORT COMINGS OF OTHERS, AND YOUR PART IN THE RELATIONSHIP WAS THE SHORTEST OF THEM ALL. SHAME ON YOU FOR TRYING TO CONTROL HIM AND MAKE HIM SOMETHING HE WAS NOT. MOST WOMEN DO NOT HAVE A WAY OUT OF A BAD RELATIONSHIP, BUT YOU WERE A NURSE AND COULD SUPPORT YOURSELF, YOU SHOULD NOT HAVVE SUBJECTED YOUR CHILDREN TO THIS SITUATION.