How Convenient?

I feel guilty, depressed, and envious all at the same time.  To start with, my husband is a wonderful man.  We don't fight, we talk about everything, we enjoy hanging out, he's an excellent husband, a good father, and he loves me dearly.  However I don't love him.  I care about him, don't get me wrong.  And I do love him in a very friendly sense, just no more than I would love any of my friends.  I even do love a man who is very close to us, even breaking past the 'in love' barrier with him.  But I made the choice to stay in the marriage because outside of my own feelings, there's nothing wrong with it.  We're both accepting it as a sort of 'marriage of convenience' right now.  This was not a choice made lightly either.  This is after considering divorce, having been separated (now back in the same house), and having had one suicide attempt.

To top it off, I'm envious of the man I love.  He's falling in love with someone else.  And I'm not so upset about him moving on.  I'm honestly glad that he can because he deserves to be happy.  But I'm envious that he has the chance to go on and find love, while I'm sitting in a marriage with someone I don't love and hoping that one day, like some arranged marriages, I'll love my husband.  Even if I can't be with the man I currently love, since he's with someone else now and happy, I don't have the option of finding someone else that I could love and would love me in return.

Some days I'm fine with this.  Some days I hate my husband.  Some days I'm just numb.  Some days I just want to cry.  And my husband will hold me and soothe me, even knowing the real reason why I'm crying.  It hurts him too, and I know that.  But whether for religion or out of fear, we just won't let go.  To make matters worse, he's recently been in a lot of pain, and the doctors have no idea what's causing it.  So we're both wearing down.  And even if I would be looking at a divorce right about now, I do care about him enough that I want to be there for him through this and help him.  If we had gotten divorced before this, I would still be here for him.  Though I can't even consider divorce right now.  I'm attending two schools, raising two children, on welfare, trying to find work, and now my husband has something going on with him, and prior to this he hadn't been able to find work...  Aside from the time to deal with the divorce, it just feels like there's so much on our plates right now as it is.

And I know some say, "well this is a stressful time in your life, and it puts a strain on your marriage."  But there is no strain on the marriage.  The marriage is fine!  It's perfect!  Except for that one small detail: I just don't love him that way, which just makes me feel guilty and miserable.

CatalystChilde CatalystChilde
26-30, F
3 Responses Sep 19, 2009

"You do not need feelings to love!!! You choose to love because it is the right thing to do. It is best for you, your husband, and your children."<br />
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Normally I would agree. Which may be the only thing holding me to this marriage. I do love him: I care for him deeply. The same as I love my children. But do my children benefit from a suicidal mother? Do they benefit from growing outside the home of their parents in order for them to have a stable life because "mommy has storm clouds in her head"? Does my husband deserve to be treated as someone cared for, but not wanted the way he wants the person he loves? Will he always be happy I've stayed, even if he feels like he is raping his wife every time he considers whether I'm having sex with him for his sake and not for mine?<br />
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I watch him as he watches me in pain as I try and face our situation and be here for the sake of everyone. I hear him call me a liar every day that I tell him I am fine, and I can't argue it. I tell him that I'll be fine so long as he's in pain, because I need to be strong right now, and he tells me I don't need to be because he'll be strong for both of us.<br />
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This is not to say that I am leaving, especially not any time soon. If I did not love him in the way you say, I would not be here. If my love had not stopped me from committing suicide, even willing to fight me about it, I would not even be alive. It was hard afterward, hearing my husband talk about how he didn't know how to tell our sons that mommy would not be coming back. And I told him that if it came to that again, I would divorce him. I would rather my sons grow up knowing their mother, even if I don't live with them, than to have them grow up without me at all. And worse, knowing that their mother killed herself because she was driven insane.<br />
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I do hope it won't come to that. I even hope that I could be at least content in the marriage. That we can have a good marriage together. But I'd rather live divorced than die married, if that's what it came down to.

He has his own life, does he have to live yours too? (even if he's not aware of it that is what he's doing) You don't want to hurt him yet you are hurting him constantly and he can't heal untill you stop hurting him. He seems lovely and he needs to accept that you have changed and to embrace your friendship because atm he needs a friend not a suffocated wife. If he loves you he would want you to move forward in your life.

(Any Love) must 1st be earned- whether it be by spouse or child. if spouse did not cut the; (expected)- then its time to cut the (spouse)... safest way is while he/she sleeps