How Convenient?

I feel guilty, depressed, and envious all at the same time.  To start with, my husband is a wonderful man.  We don't fight, we talk about everything, we enjoy hanging out, he's an excellent husband, a good father, and he loves me dearly.  However I don't love him.  I care about him, don't get me wrong.  And I do love him in a very friendly sense, just no more than I would love any of my friends.  I even do love a man who is very close to us, even breaking past the 'in love' barrier with him.  But I made the choice to stay in the marriage because outside of my own feelings, there's nothing wrong with it.  We're both accepting it as a sort of 'marriage of convenience' right now.  This was not a choice made lightly either.  This is after considering divorce, having been separated (now back in the same house), and having had one suicide attempt.

To top it off, I'm envious of the man I love.  He's falling in love with someone else.  And I'm not so upset about him moving on.  I'm honestly glad that he can because he deserves to be happy.  But I'm envious that he has the chance to go on and find love, while I'm sitting in a marriage with someone I don't love and hoping that one day, like some arranged marriages, I'll love my husband.  Even if I can't be with the man I currently love, since he's with someone else now and happy, I don't have the option of finding someone else that I could love and would love me in return.

Some days I'm fine with this.  Some days I hate my husband.  Some days I'm just numb.  Some days I just want to cry.  And my husband will hold me and soothe me, even knowing the real reason why I'm crying.  It hurts him too, and I know that.  But whether for religion or out of fear, we just won't let go.  To make matters worse, he's recently been in a lot of pain, and the doctors have no idea what's causing it.  So we're both wearing down.  And even if I would be looking at a divorce right about now, I do care about him enough that I want to be there for him through this and help him.  If we had gotten divorced before this, I would still be here for him.  Though I can't even consider divorce right now.  I'm attending two schools, raising two children, on welfare, trying to find work, and now my husband has something going on with him, and prior to this he hadn't been able to find work...  Aside from the time to deal with the divorce, it just feels like there's so much on our plates right now as it is.

And I know some say, "well this is a stressful time in your life, and it puts a strain on your marriage."  But there is no strain on the marriage.  The marriage is fine!  It's perfect!  Except for that one small detail: I just don't love him that way, which just makes me feel guilty and miserable.