I Never Loved My Husband And Now....

Hi.  I am 48 years old, married for 15 years with 2 children. Ages 14 & 10.  I never loved my husband they way I should.  I've been living this lie since I met my husband and thought I would be able to deal with it and it would be fine.  My biological clock was ticking.  Before I married him, I was in a couple of long term relationships where I was left very hurt and lost.  One relationship ended because he left for someone else, and the other, I left because he didn't want to get married.  Loved him deeply, but i look back and realize, I probably should have waited...but after 4 years...wanted kids, and couldn't gamble anymore.  Making a very long 15 years as short as I can, I eventually met a good guy, caring, not a cheater, educated, and wanted everything I did.  One thing I couldn't feel was an physical attraction to him, but thought I could live with out that connection.  He and I have struggled with that part the whole marriage.  He knows I don't love him like he would want, but if he admits it he would have to deal with it.  The beginning years were fine. I tried to make the best of it and not look back.  The past years, have been a struggle.  So many hurtful things have been said to each other...he gets hurt because I can't give him emotionally or physically what he wants.  He is no angel though.  He has taken some of my deepest secrets and used them to fight with.  He doesn't think so, but I have been pulliing further and further away. NOW, I have recently reconnected with a high school sweetheart, who was one of my first loves.  A very innocent love.  He is divorced, with 3 grown children, and lives 800 miles away.  We chat everyday, and he has come to see me recently for a weekend. Did not sleep with him, although my feelings were very intense.  I NEVER EVER thought I would feel the way I do again.  Didn't even know those feelings still would exist after all this time.  He married very young, soon after high school. I was a teenager, but remember so clearly how I felt about him 30 years ago.  I guess my point is, with him not being here, it makes it easier to deal with and gives me so much time to think about all this.  I was so lost when he left after he came to visit and I felt so empty.  I never thought I would be able to be with someone who lifted me so high. I settled. The feeling is mutual too.  I am now at the point, where, whether I leave for him, or for myself, I don't want to spend the rest of my life not being with someone I could love and have it back.  If I can't have that, being by myself would be better than to stay where I am. What to do. The past month has been a rollercoaster.....What now? So much to think about.

whatdoido6 whatdoido6
46-50, F
9 Responses Feb 23, 2010

You should be absolutely ashamed of yourself. There is nothing to think about. Never was. You made the choice. That is what love really is, a choice. You chose to cheat, you chose not love your husband the way he deserves, and you will choose not to love this man the way he deserves as well, because the love tthey deservse is not the pitter patter romantic love you arechasing, that is for high school. Real love is a long term committment to put someone else above yourself. and that is something that you are clearly not capable of. Because the only person you care about is you.

Thanks for the honest response, you are right, but I fear some women are controlled by their emotions and it takes a lot longer for them to come to their senses

Ffffffuuuuuu

I'm not trying to make you feel bad, or try to say I understand your situation, but from my experience I went through a time when I didn't feel the love that I wantd to feel with my husband either. The thought of leaving was defently on my mind. But I knew that my kids would suffer. I began to pray to God to change my heart. It took a while, but I have come to the realization that noone is perfect. And as long as I wasn't or my kids were not in danger, then I needed to stick by him because that is what my vows were when I got married. I began to look at my own mistakes and forgiving him for his. Knowing I couldn't change him, but I can change me and the way I deal with certain things. Forgving him for not being God and for not being able to fix my problems, made me realize that I have a wonderful husband who is human. I have been keeping a dairy for 5 years now, and I have wrote out my frustrations and hurts, as well as everything that has been good between us. Realizing that no matter what marriage takes work and determination. I realized that he loves me so much and that I won't find that with anywhere else. I would hate to start over with someone knew. There is to much we have gone through. The past affects our present and our future and our kids life as well. I decided it is better to stick with him and work it out. He is a wonderful man. Honest, loving , caring, hard working, a good provider, and I am falling in love with him all over again. I felt that love come back. I know now that no matter what we go through that we will be together through the end. Especially with God the center of our relationship. He bonded us together when we said I do. As long as we keep God in our marriage, nothing can seperate us. Not saying that we don't have trying days, because we do. But we may not like each other on some days, but we will always love each other. Hugs!

Amazing story! Although I'm a single man your story gave me more hope and trust in God and if it's will for me have a wife in the future. I'm really inspired by your story and continue to keep God first in your marriage. God bless you!

Thanks for the "feelers" joser....everything you've said, I agree with. I suppose I am learning who I am...not sure what I will do. Going to talk to a professional. Need help working through all this. Not sure what I'll do, but hope I can find the courage to do what's best for all......I'm sure the "50's passage has alot to do with it..."<br />
thx

I see.<br />
<br />
Change the subject<br />
by insulting me instead.<br />
<br />
Why don't you try<br />
reading your own story again, eh?<br />
<br />
Still shallow.<br />
Still a dumbass.<br />
<br />
And at almost 50 years of age, too.<br />
<br />
Now if that isn't pathetic,<br />
man I don't know what is.

Joser..I am not trying to make my husband out to be the bad guy. Im still here in this marriage, because I AM THE BAD GUY, and thinking about leaving him makes me feel very guilty. Why she he have to go through that? I feel I made my bed, so I have to lie in it......Am I in love with the idea of the guy rather than the guy himself? NO. I have reconnected with many people from my past, both friends and lovers. Not once ever coming remotely close to this. Always envied those who had " true love marriages", and I know many. Always wondered why I could never be that lucky, or at the time I married, knew that only happened in fairytales. Maybe now that I look back, also because I may have never thought I was worthy. Comes from my childhood. Marrying my husband was what I new growing up. My mother stayed because of us, her kids. (wish she didn't,) My father had a steady job, never cheated, drank a bit, abused my mom verbally, wore her down. I imagine she had the same feelings as I feel in my marriage, toward my dad. But why leave? HE INVESTED time into the marriage, so I guess it would not be ok for her to leave? Very unhealthy time. No, he did not understand what he was doing. Neither did I. Will I be happier if I left, YES. Will the kids and I feel happier when we don't feel like we are walking on egg shells? YES. There is so much more I can go on about. He lashes out alot at the kids and I, most likely due to his stress because he is not happy. It's hard to leave. If I do, it will not be for someone or this guy, it will be for me. And my children. And possibly for the idea of maybe living a complete life. My husband was never a "happy" person. Very serious, by the book always." Don't get to happy or have fun, be out of control because everyone is watching. Don't make a decision because you don't know if it's right" ...well, I like to laugh, tive life in a happy way, love to be outgoing, and let loose at times with family and friends.. Thought we balanced. Those are not bad qualities...just very opposite of who I am. I don't like when he punched the wall before we got married, or the second time he punched the wall, because I was not in the mood to have sex. Is that healthy? Am I an angel? We know Im NOT, lol. A *****, yes. Hurt by him, yes. Hurt myself, yes, hurt to the point of no return, probably. Him lashing out because he is unhappy....ABSOLUTELY. This reconnection just opened my eyes to maybe what I could have one day. My kids are first......then whatever or whoever in between.....then myself. Very hard to leave when you believe you don't deserve to be happy. Hard to leave when you feel you are responsible for someone elses pain. HARD to leave period.

Well, I can totally relate. I do love my husband, but perhaps not as much as I should. I married in my early 30s, largely because of the 'biological clock factor'. I convinced myself that even though my feelings weren't as strong as they had been in previous relationships, that it was a more "mature love". My mother always said that passion would fade and that in the end, it was better to have a responsible man who really loved me rather than one who was "exciting". As a result, I'm not in love with him the way some other lucky people are with their spouses. <br />
<br />
The difference is I'm not interested in anyone else. We often kid ourselves into chasing some illusive "true love" that may not really exist the way we imagine (there's a great book about this called "We" by Robert Johnson). You can go through all of the upheaval of leaving your spouse, breaking your children's hearts and getting involved with someone else only to find that they also have many flaws, are only human, and that you even miss the relationship you left. Usually at that point it's too late to go back.<br />
Tread carefully and take care. We only have one life to live, and we do need to make the most of it. We shouldn't live our lives to please others,; not even our children because they will grow up and have lives of their own and will probably blame us for regardless :) That is, until they're 30-35 and begin to have the same problems, haha.

How old are you son. 27? You will never find anyone with that attitude. You are still a boy, who has so much to learn.

Your husband was a dumbass for<br />
marrying you<br />
and you, <br />
after all these years...<br />
are still as shallow as you were at 16.<br />
<br />
Way to go.