I Should Have Never Married Him

I thought it was cold feet. My gut told me to run, but where would I go? I was eloping. I had no family to turn back to. My life was going nowhere. He seemed to be a ticket to a better life. So, I ignored my gut and jumped in headfirst. The first year of marriage was difficult. My darling husband would spend every dime on stripclubs, internetporn, and booze. I wanted to leave, but he said "I'll find you..." I was scared, isolated, and lonely. In the second year of marriage my mom died, he told me to get over it, and he forgot my birthday two years in a row. The third year of marriage he had racked up 10,000 of credit card debt on internetporn.  When we tried to talk about the issue, he said every man does it and I need to stop talking to him like a 10 year old. It's his money and he'll spend it anyway he pleases even if that means we can't put food on the table. The fourth year of marriage, I give up. I knew it was a mistake marrying him. I wish I had listened to my friends who no longer speak to me. I wish I had listened to my parents who are no longer here. I wish I had the courage to tell him that I don't love him, that I never will, and that I deserve someone better. I'm only happy when I'm away from him. I daydream about packing a suitcase, grabbing the dogs, and running away from it all. Where would I go? What happens if he finds me? I'm too scared. This is my unhappy married life. I'm stuck.