My Unhealthy Mother

I don't remember much of my childhood, but what I do remember was all kinds of abuse mixed with what I call torture.
I guess my story starts when as I was 4 yrs old. As this is the earliest memories of my mother abusing me I can remember. I was in bed in the winter of 1984. I had woken up during the night. I felt scared so I looked for the comfort of my mother. She had left the apartment and had gone over to her boyfriends apartment, now she was married to my father at the time and he was at work. Later I had discovered her affair. I just remember looking for her. In the winter time with nothing on but my pajamas and a towel to wrap around me for warmth. I was too short to grab my jacket. I found her...with her boyfriend at his apartment. Luckily I was not hit by a car, he lived across the street. I remember him telling her how disobedient I was and he gave her a wooden plank. Now this plank had some nails at the end of it and was duct taped. I got paddled with that plank because I left the apartment, in the middle of the night. Neglectful as this was, it was nothing as to compared to what I would endure later. I was 6 yrs old. I remember my parents saying "do not steal, it is bad and you will get in trouble with the police." But, being a typical 6 yr old girl and wanting to paint my nails pretty. I went ahead and took nail polish from the store. My mother would have never paid for it anyway and would never paint my nails. Not even for a day. Well, my mom found the nail polish a few days later. Asked me a bunch of questions as to where it had come from and why I had it. As a result, she grabbed a knife, put the knife against my wrists and told me she was going to kill me because I was a bad little girl. She made me beg for my life. My father was clueless to everything. I never told him how she was. I was afraid of her. What she would do to me if I ever told anyone how she was. Growing up was a nightmare in that house hold. Becoming a teenager and putting me in martial arts, she did not really physically abuse me as much as she did when I was younger. Her abuse became more emotional, and then she molested me and my sister. Now, my family dynamics was very different. My sister was adopted by my grandparents and did not come to live with us until I was 12 yrs old. My sister is 3 yrs older than me. When I was 18 I had enough, I was waiting for her to try to do something physical to me. Instead, the emotional abuse came back. I went to the military, met my daughters father. I wish I could say that was the end of it. But... it is not. At this time I had control. My mother was very manipulative through out the years and I was blind to it until I moved away from it. I could not take any more of her and who she was/is, so I separated entirely for about 3 or 4 yrs and thought I would try to have her again in my life, to make peace with her. Again, I had to cut her out. The more I resisted to fall into her antics, the more she pushed. I have not spoken to her since 2009. I have only just come to realize that I do not love my mother. The bad times are just too great and over shadow any good times there may have been. I am not sure I would ever want to try to work on her relationship. I am not sure I want to introduce that monster to my child. My daughter is naive to my childhood. I live my life with the awareness of not being like my mother. I can say that "I am not my mother's daughter" now. I could not before. I don't love my mother, never have and I don't think I ever will.
almare almare
31-35, F
May 15, 2012