4.5 Years, And I Got Over It In A Week.

When I was 15-16, I was with a boy. He was 2 years older than me and had a lot of emotional baggage. I spent almost 5 years of my life trying to pick up the pieces he left lying on the floor. This boy had gone through a lot in his life, but not once did he degrade me, or even swear at me, and in all seriousness, it was a feat for him to do that for me. So i stayed with him because he treated me without abuse. However, I did not go through this time without neglect. Many nights I spent crying over how he did not give me the affection and attention I craved for.

I was also frightened of him. He has a venomous tongue. It is very easy for him to shoot down ideas and different approaches to an issue. He tends to belittle people who think differently, especially if he sees no emotional attachment to them. So I did not allow him into my mind very much in this time. But I thought I had loved him fiercely.

I did everything for him. Sometime I would go to his house, while he was still sleeping and clean his room. He was a smoker, so even the mirrors would be covered with grime, and I would try to wipe them clean. I would cook for him. I would satisfy his desires. I would buy him things and shower him with affection. But he wasn't able to do much in return, to the point where he would not even have sex with me.

Although he would say he was appreciative of my actions, he did little to show it. I think he was too broken. I also think I fell out of love while we were still together. As the years went by, i started seeing this experience as an inevitability if I stay with him. I will only continue to become heartbroken.

I think I understand why he treated me the way he did though. I think he loved me immensely, otherwise he would not have been able to restrain his rage at times. I think I showed him too much affection. He felt too indebted to me. And because of his past, he may have felt that anything he did would have been a failure and disappointment, so he opted to do nothing at all. Even the sex. I am not an easy woman to please sexually and I have quite the appetite. So instead of disappointing me and himself, he would choose to not have sex at all.

I ended up ending it. I felt that by being with him, i was tying him down to his nihilistic thoughts by being a stark and overwhelming contrast to what he is, and what he thought he might be for me.

The night I truly ended it with him, i thought he was going to hit me. Instead, he shouted at me and hit the wall. He couldn't argue against me. I had really done all I could to love him. But love was not enough to mend his brokenness.

Now I see love much more objectively. I look back on him and I don't feel much. I remember how it used to feel, and as I write this entry, I am slightly struck with grief thinking how difficult it must have been for him to be with me. But at the same time, he must realize how difficult it was for me to neglect myself for the sake of him. Perhaps I loved him as a human being, and not so much as a lover. Maybe I've never been in love.
empathicresonance empathicresonance
22-25, F
Jul 19, 2010