Why Did I Stay With Him?

My first relationship that actually developed into love probably lasted for 6 months too long. I am not a good storyteller or describer but I just want to get all the bitterness off my chest, I still get angry after 4 years thinking about how I wasted my time and emotion on an idiot *******.

I was so happy when we first started going out, as anyone is who has successfully connected with a crush. He didn't know how to treat a woman properly, and I don't mean the whole buying jewelry and going to nice restaurants thing. What I really mean is respect. He could not compliment me without it being sexual. We did the whole teenager thing of "fooling around" wherever we could. I didn't like it so much. I didn't like the possibility of being caught. I didn't like that he took liberties with groping me in front of anyone. Everytime I told him how uncomfortable he made me feel he insisted that there was nothing wrong and that I shouldn't feel the way I did. If I continued to plead then sometimes he would apologize, but do this pitiful, puppy-dog I'm-a-horrible-boyfriend act and I'd feel guilty.

He viewed women as primarily sex-objects. He thought sexual scenes in movies that involved taking advantage of women (some very ****** up) were amusing.

I am really as angry with myself as I am with him, maybe even more so. I let myself become a shadow of a person. I lost most of my personality just to be his girlfriend, his sex-thing or whatever. I was emotionally dependent on his approval of me and got depressed and cried often. I didn't assert myself enough in the relationship and take half the blame for things not working out. I wasted what could have been a wonderful year of school being someone else's girlfriend and not being myself.

Leaving town was the best thing to happen to me. I realized that I was happier without him and broke up with him when I returned. I felt like a horrible person at the time and don't know if I could do it again. He asked me if I thought I'd ever be able to find someone who would treat me as well as he did. I told him he didn't make me happy anymore. I've never missed that relationship, but I do miss those 6 or so months of my life where I felt I didn't really love him and never broke up with him.
celandine celandine
22-25, F
Nov 21, 2006