I've been a virgin for almost 20 years now...and I'm not dead am I?  I'm not sick am I?  Sex obviously isn't necessary for survival, or else I would be dead!

Sure, I like to think that I'll have sex sometime in my life.  But it's not a priority.  I'm sure it would be nice, pleasureable, and fun...but my life isn't based on pleasure and fun.

RopinTexan RopinTexan
22-25, M
84 Responses Sep 21, 2008


Short version - OMG! I do.... I'm 64 and you would think I had "moved beyond." But what I do think that my jumping into one bed after another has kept me from having a meaningful relationship of man and a woman. It's quite sad. I think trying to wait FIRST for that "meaningful relationship" first, before the sex is a good idea to try to implement... Best wishes.

Ah. I see.

I think he means that you are not scared to say what you think, even if it means you are likely to be in conflict with others opinions and you can take a good "punch" in conflicting comments.

What do you mean by that?

My point was that I don't see any "kindness" in giving up your virginity.

I think you are wise to wait Ropin because I believe that sex, in some cases, can cloud judgement. It definitely did in my past relationships. You have sex and you find that sexually you are "compatible" It is physically pleasing and you trick yourself into believing that the relationship is working because the sex is good. It's better to find common ground with a person, enjoy their company and build the foundations of a loving relationship and then add love making as the cement, you will have a good strong marriage that way.

"why did you do it in the first place?"<br />
i was stupid, i fell in love with a "boy" i was 14... we gave r "v"s to one another. i still love and want to be with him. but i wish i never did b/c now i'm a woman in love with a boy.

I guess some people have sex because of self esteem issues. But my reasons were entirely different. I've always had a healthy self image and self esteem. So no...The reasons I had sex were because I wanted to, I cared about the individual. End of story. It had nothing to do with a lack of self respect. <br />
For some reason all these conversations come down to the idea of some that if you have premarital sex, either you're cheap and "whorish" or you lack self respect, or you have no morals or self control.<br />
Too bad, it could almost have been a good discussion.<br />
And this whole concept of giving yourself to another is just plain gobble-d-gook. Sex is SHARED. It's mutual. <br />
<br />
Oh and one last thing. Breaks up are not as common as divorce? UH statistically speaking the divorce rate is exceeding 50%. So if you mean there are more break ups of short term relationships then yeah... conting highschool and up. but if you're talking about long term (years) relationships, then nope...just about even with marriages.<br />
(of course that is now going to said it is caused by premarital sex) :(

I am a Christian but I've also had premarital sex. My reasons for doing that were not right. I had quite low self esteem and I believed that I would never have a relationship unless I slept with the man, it never occurred to me that if the man loved me then he would wait and if he was not prepared to wait then he wasn't worth it. It was certainly a mistake because not only did it diminish my self worth still further but I didn't enjoy the sex because there was no proper connection there.<br />
I believe that real love thrives when you put aside your ego and selfish ways and "give" to your partner. I love my husband so much that I now wish that I had saved my virginity for marriage because there can be no greater gift to give than yourself.

Haha, that's kind of funny, but I guess you're sorta right...

'I said "I would think" and "I suppose," not "I'm right and you're wrong."'<br />
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well i suppose you're an idiot.....not really, but i didnt say i was right and you were wrong either, yet this statement is still offensive. know what i mean??

RT, WMYTIN just gave you a perfect example of saying things in a way that invite animosity rather than defusing a situation. I don't blame you since your opinions are both strongly held and somewhat unpopular, but sometimes it's better to withdraw than let other's make you angry, because people tend to make irreversible mistakes when angry.

WMYTIN, I said that because she was offended, so I was explaining myself. I said "I would think" and "I suppose," not "I'm right and you're wrong."

well RT, i dont exactly know what to say to that other than, you'll just have to have sex and figure this all out on your own. <BR><BR>yes, the less you need the easier life is to fulfill. but i look at that concept in terms of material posessions. the less you need, the less you have to work, the more time you have to spend living your is one of those great luxuries that is FREE (unless you choose to pay for it). everyone (whos not a virgin) needs sex from time to time, but needing sex doesnt change your life unless you allow it to. and that depends on how strong you are emotionally. when i need sex, and believe you me, sometimes i need it!!, but i dont let my yearning for it cloud my rational judgement or control my life.....the need for sex is determined on a personal level.

Then please listen to WHAT I say. I mean what I say, and I say what I mean. How I say it is usually just based on what kind of mood I'm in.

Because to compare one's strongly held religious beliefs, which have made believers feel free and purposeful, offering happiness and security to a restricting yoke worn only by beasts of burden so that they may be more easily controlled is a pretty poor way of explaining your opinion of religion. Just as calling that woman desparate or lacking in self respect was a poor way to voice one's opinion of those who engage in premarital sex. It's not so much what you say, as how we say things that divides a hostile arguement and a respectful discussion.

"i commend you on your choice to wait, and i hope your first time is enjoyable enough that you will understand the idea of 'needing' sex :)"<br />
<br />
I wasn't offended by anything you said, but honestly, I don't WANT to NEED sex. In fact, I don't want to need anything. Why should one desire to need something? The less I actually need, the easier my life is to fulfill. If I start needing sex, I'll have a hole in my life I need to fill. Why stab a hole in something that is already solid just so that I can refill it? If it ain't broke, don't fix it!

Antiyou is right though. Sex is one thing you have to experience to fully understand. You don't have to do it now, but it's pretty clear you ought to put this discussion on hold until you've done it.

My "yoke" comment was not meant to be offensive. I was trying to lend a little imagery to the fact I find the laws set out by organized religion to be a little rigid and constrictive. It's just not the way I choose to live my life. Why must you interpret it as an attack?<br />
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I'm not sure how many times I have to say this, but: I have absolutely NO problem with others choosing a Christian path. I have many friends and family members that have done so, and they could never claim that I've ever disrespected their beliefs.<br />
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The issue that I have with the statements that have been made is that they are judgmental of non-Christian beliefs systems. To say that a woman who engages in premarital sex must be "desperate" or "lacking in self-respect" is condescending and unfair.

well ropin texan, i hope my comment wasnt offensive. my only point is, you cant make a valid statement or arguement when it comes to sex because you are a virgin. you dont truly understand the concept or purpose yet...and someday you will. <BR><BR>and some people actually do need sex. those choosing to have a baby need sex. there are people with sex addictions that need sex (and therapy to treat thier addiction). and in all honesty, i didnt 'need' sex when i was a virgin. i thought about it, and wanted it. but now that i've experience it, i need it! and that is a concept that one can only grasp after they have done the deed.<BR><BR>i commend you on your choice to wait, and i hope your first time is enjoyable enough that you will understand the idea of 'needing' sex :)

*sighs heavily*

I'm a Christian. I didn't particularly like that comment...but I'm beginning to get quite used to the Christian-bashing. I'd rather it not happen, but oh well.

I'm not even a christian and I find the comment about having a "spiritual yoke" around one's neck offensive. It's funny that you can attack jesus' teachings and use them to your advantage all in one thread. I was merely commenting on the fact that there are quite a few who bear some animosity towards christians, thinking they are foolish for believing and following the teachings of their god. Christians believe that a major amount of the good in their life came directly as blessings from god. Can you blame them for sometimes not understanding how someone could refuse the thing that has these christians so much happiness?

Look, this story isn't intended to judge others...I just said I don't need it. Nobody really needs it...but many people want it. I want it if I get married. But I won't die if I don't get it.<br />
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There. End of story.

why does it matter whether or not others 'need' sex?? if you're not ready, thats fine, but dont begin to assume others werent ready either just because you cant grasp the concept of why sex is what it is. <br />
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i respect those who choose to wait, but i personally wanted to have more experience. when i meet the right guy, i'll already know all the good moves and fun things to do in bed. that doesnt make me a ****. infact, to me, it makes your sex life (with the right person) more enjoyable from the get go.

I was NOT bashing Christians. I have nothing against people of faith - only people of faith who try to place themselves on moral pedestals.<br />
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If a person is a Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Wiccan, or Jew - I couldn't care less. To each his/her own. I only take issue with those who view their ethics as superior.<br />
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As my earlier comments have shown, I have no problems with RT's decision to abstain. If it's what is best for him mentally, emotionally and spiritually, that's great. However, I think it is a little less than "Christ-like" to make assumptions about another person's sexual agendas.<br />
<br />
[[hands you a stone]]<br />
<br />
Here you go: cast it.

Pre-marital sex is a personal choice. Period. Its also a private matter. I wouldn't judge someone because he or she has had sex before marriage anymore than I would someone who chooses to wait. <br><br />
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Having your personal beliefs is long as you don't start labeling people simply because they don't agree with your views. Having pre-marital sex doesn't make a person morally loose...again, its a personal choice. What occurs or does not occur "behind closed doors" isn't fodder for judgment. Or at least, it shouldn't be.

It's not okay to make a comment on the "willingness" of a woman, but it's okay to trash someones deeply held spiritual beliefs??<br />
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Why is christian bashing becoming so common and acceptable? Especially on EP??

Define "good reason". I have sex because it's pleasurable, because it allows me to experience a level of intimacy with my partner that can't be obtained any other way. Because I don't have a biblical yoke around my neck.<br />
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What is there not to understand? Not every person out there adheres to the moral standards you set, nor should they have to.<br />
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I suggest that you wade your way out of that sea of naivete before you drown.

I never said she or you were a wh0re. But I would think if you respect yourself enough, you wouldn't just give up your virginity for no good reason. I suppose that's not true with you...can you explain why you had premarital sex?<br />
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I'm not saying that all women who have premarital sex are s|uts, but I fail to understand why people insist on having sex before marriage. Can you explain?

Wow... I thought this conversation had evolved into something a little more respectful than a s|ut-shaming forum. Why did this woman have to be desperate or lacking self-respect to want to have sex?<br />
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I'm personally insulted by your statement. I've had premarital sex... do you think I'm a wh0re too?

I don't think "kind" is really the best word for it...probably more like "desperate" or "lacking self-respect."

Well, divorce is less common than plain old breakups, thankfully.

It's not a matter of choosing to hate. over time sometimes issues arise, situations and circumstances occur which change the people in the marriage. At the point that happens sometimes it's the best possible thing to have happen, just end it before the hate consumes all. <br />
Divorce is not always about hating the other person...just realizing you can't live together anymore.

I agree with Tzech. One healthy and happy parent is better to live with than 2 unhappy and unhealthy parents.

you've mentioned something similiar before. that if there is a divorce then kid won't have married parents to look out for them and raise them. In a lot of divorce cases that's actually better than being married. In fact in most cases the children are better off with the divorce. Just one of those things to consider when speaking about divorce. which... is a choice.

Why would anyone choose to hate their spouse over loving them? Hate destroys the hater and sometimes even strengthens the hatee.

true... by choice.

RopinTexan, I used to feel the same as you do. I am 24 years old and virgin. But over time, I've learned to see things in a different light.<br />
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I would have been satisfied to have had sex already, if conditions were right. But I'm picky about that. I've known a gal a few years now and have thought about marriage with her, and I dream of it. It might not be her in the end, but I won't know till it happens or it doesn't.<br />
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Sometimes I wish times were right, though. Life seems too short, and it's even shorter to those of us who are patient. But then they say we tend to live longer anyway :)

I understand that...but I'll still love her. Love is something that should be unconditional...I love both the healer and the killer, the cop and the criminal, the saint and the sinner. That, by no means, means that I approve of what they do. As theologians often say, love the sinner, hate the sin. If she goes off and cheats on me and has sex with an eight year old boy and kills 100 innocent people and gets addicted to drugs, will I be heartbroken? Certainly! Will I be enraged? Certainly! Will I feel betrayed? Certainly!<br />
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Will I still love her anyway? Certainly!

Certainly.<br />
<br />
But I guess my point is the same as WMYTIN's. You never know what curve balls life will throw at you, ya know? The person you marry might be a completely different woman ten years into your lives together.

Well, if she did it herself, I guess I wouldn't have much of a choice, would I? I mean, if she moves out and starts a new relationship, she's basically divorcing me. But that was her choice, not mine.

You wouldn't give your wife a divorce even if she filed for one?<br />
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Even if she moved out and started a new relationship?

Believe it or not, I've actually thought about that. Not so much because of divorce because I value commitment in marriage and wouldn't get a divorce even if we did get in numerous fights. But I have thought about just not getting married simply because of the chance that it could be a burden on both me and my wife.

I so glad that we agree to disagree...<br />
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What's good for one may be bad for another, but at least we can respect each others choices.

Well if that's good enough for you, that's good enough for you. Just not for me.<br />
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Like I said, I have many, many reasons for not having sex until marriage besides just the risk factor...but I would probably have to write a novel to explain it all.

This is true... but keep in mind that the methods I use are about 99.99999999999% effective in combination.<br />
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And that's good enough for me.

Well, that's definitely safer. But you must always remember that the only 100% effective method of birth control is abstinence.

Condoms, yes, as well as the Nuva Ring - and if a condom should break, there's Plan B.

You mean like condoms?

That's not really an issue for me. I'm very responsible about my use of contraceptives.

Well, what if you have kids? And then you break up? Then the kids don't have two married parents to care for them.

Of course we do!<br />
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I don't, though. I am in a mutually monogamous long-term relationship. We both get tested annually for STDs and keep up with our reproductive health care. What is it about such behavior that you find ob<x>jectionable?

Yeah, but we're not neanderthalls anymore...we have become a more advanced species, and we have the ability to resist things like our sex drives.

yes it is possible. and it is a choice. and as such you can choose to change your mind...or not. it's up to you. whatever you're comfortable with.<br />
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But for some reason... the psyche is wired for needs and or wants/desires. oddly enough, even tho you said it well if some humans do and some humans don't the species will survive, the psyhce says it's a need. goes back to those neanderthall/ crogmag markers that are still free floating in our dna.

I'll wait until we're married...there's always the chance that the engagement would be broken off. And if we're confident that we want to get married, then there's no sense in staying engaged for long. I don't see why some people are so impatient...if we're going to get married anyway, we're obviously going to have what's the big rush for?

Just out of curiosity...<br />
<br />
When you do finally meet that special girl, will you wait until your wedding night or will an engagement ring suffice?<br />
And does it matter to you whether or not she is a virgin as well?

A man like you is rare RT, Good Luck with your choice. I admire it....but couldn't make the same one.

There are a whole lot of particular reasons. Moral reasons, logical reasons, religious reasons, and environmental reasons. Basically, I have like a thousand reasons to wait, but only one reason not to.

Hey RT:<br />
<br />
Is there a particular reason that you decided to wait until marriage?

Nope...I read it right. My comment was more of a response to the comments. :)

Yeah...I think some people are misreading this. The title of this group is I Don't "Need" Sex. Not I Don't "Want" Sex. There's a difference.

Of course its possible, but, in this case, I think the old phrase "Don't knock it 'til you try it" can be applied.

I never said it was right for everybody. But it is possible.

lots of things in life aren't necessary. drink water, not soda.<br />
Have your food with no spice. <br />
Live like a hermit. <br />
If you think you can live without sex, good for you.<br />
Please don't assume that's right for all of us. <br />
thank you

"If there was no sex, would humans survive?"<br />
<br />
Humanity, as a whole, wouldn't survive. But the individual virgins would. But if NOBODY in the world had sex, humans would become extinct. If just some people didn't, the people who did would make up for it.

hmmm. cancer or aids. <br />
wow. left field.<br />
and oddly enough sex does fall under the need not want category. It's programmed our hard wiring so to speak. just like food, air, water...<br />
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but it's all a choice. you can choose to wait or not. choice.

Well, I do still ********** :"><br />
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But that's better than actually having sex...************ can't get anyone pregnant or give you STD's. I'd rather have prostate cancer than AIDS.

I think he was saying that as a species sex is needed to procreate and what not lol :P

"'Sex obviously isn't necessary for survival'<br />
<br />
False."<br />
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Umm...what makes that false? Do you think that I'm not surviving? Are you saying that virgins are dead?

I have to agree here. Sex wasn't a big deal for me before I had it. However, I'm in a sexless marriage. Intimacy-free marriage. And I'm 31 years old. It's important now. It's heartbreaking and soul-cracking not to be getting any. It's not important as a virgin, but it certainly is when you're in my type of situation.

I think it's great that you're making sure you wait for the right person. Personally, I believe that sexual compatibility is an important part of a relationship, so I couldn't marry someone without making sure that my partner and I are one the same page intimately. <br />
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You know... It's not a good idea to buy a car without test-driving it!<br />
[[wink]]<br />
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Either way, you have to do what's best for you. Hey - at least you won't have to worry about unwanted pregnancies or STIs!

I don't regret any choices as far as sex. And that goes for the yeses and the nos. I was also taught to wait til marriage. I didn't. End of story. No regrets either.<br />
It's all in what each individual chooses, and that's not for another to distane. I may be a person who thinks and truly belives it's a necessary part of living and marriage is an arcane ritual symbolising ownership of one by another. Just because you choose soemting else doesn't make either of us wrong. Just different.<br />
So... go with what you are comfortable with on a personal level.

I go along with what CC's said...<br />
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Although, you wouldn't believe it from a hard working prostitute, sex isn't the most important thing in my life...<br />
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You've just gotta strike the right balance...although I do applaud you for being happy that you are still a virgin. Well done...<br />
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...and just to think, that I used to be called the 'virgin eliminator'....LOL!<br />
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Sammy Jo Duponte xx

"Do you think you will ever, or just not till you get married ? "<br />
<br />
If I actually DO get married, of course I'll have sex. If not, I guess I won't.

I have had sex and gone for years with out. To me its not a big deal. I don't get into and I don't see where the fun is.<br />
Its messy, sweaty and smellie. The human body is ugly naked. I have seen a lot of naked bodies in my time; from going to college major in health/science and having many boyfriends.<br />
I think you are fine and don't rush into it!

I'd agree with that, if the opportunity never arises and you've never felt that connection with someone and the urge to have sex then you can't really be disdainful towards people who have =/<br />
I don't regret having sex when I did one bit. But it's true, going without it once you've had great sex isn't fun, or easy.

Yeah...good thing I was taught not to have sex until I'm married. If I wait until marriage, then I can just stick with one woman to raise my kids with for the rest of my life.

you will know when the right person has come a long to share yourself with. just remember the question I always ask my son before he leaves to meet a girl.<br />
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Is she the kind of girl you would want to be the mother of your children?

But if you never did it in the first place, you wouldn't crave it so why did you do it in the first place?<br />
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That's one other reason I don't have sex...I'm afraid if I do, I might become too addicted.

It's not a priority, I agree. There are many things in life that are though. Like family, friends, learning and living.<br />
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Like what you have to say RopinTexan

I agree with CC. When I was a virgin, I didn't care about sex much. Now that I've gone 5 years with none after being in a highly sexual and adoring relationship, I literally ache for that connection again.

I think that is a very mature attitude....