What Happened?

Have you ever gone on vacation, woke up in the middle of the night and forgot where you were?  You look into the darkness, become startled by the unfamiliar surroundings and need a moment to remember?  "I don't remember that picture on the wall...these aren't my sheets..."

I wake up in the middle of the night and need a moment to recognize my own life.  Last night, I dreamt about living in my old apartment during my singledom, getting ready to head out to a party when I get a knock at the door with my stepson reminding me that I needed to pay school admissions and doctor's bills for him and I awoke - forgetting that this part of my life is true.  It's funny how I remember what I wanted my life to be like, versus what is in store for me today.  I laid awake in bed as my toddler stirred and snuggled in closer to me.  I stroked his hair and thought, "Should we stay in this for the long haul?"

What happened to me?  What happened to my life?  How did I get here?

I have a sense of grief for the possible future that I had before meeting my husband.  I remember my "Move to Seattle" fund that I raised and began prospecting jobs there through the company brand I worked for.  After a previous vacation there, I was warmed with the number of friendly people I met, the price of housing, its feel of "very big town" and the encouragement of extended family living there.  Then I met my husband and I never revealed my plans about thinking of moving away, not wanting to present an "ultimatum."  He seemed very genuine about how strongly he felt about why our paths had crossed.  He referred to our relationship as being like him falling and scraping his knees and I was the only onlooker kind enough to stop and help him up, while happening to have a firstaid kit in my purse.  It was as poetic as he could get, but I fancied that he felt that I was a great comfort to him, and that I could heal him of a life of hurt.

He was divorced, had two kids, currently employed for less than 2 months, selling the majority of his belongings to make last month's rent, and never came to visit me at my apartment because it was in a neighborhood that was "too trendy and dangerous".  Of course, if any other girlfriend had expressed to me these kind of red flags and baggage issues as I had encountered with my husband - I would have told her to run for her life.  I guess that's why they say that love is blind.  After a relationship became "serious", the passionate and affectionate interactions quickly diminished.  I had the misfortune at having a conversation with his exwife, where she commented on how withdrawn he was and how loveless thier marriage was.  Not only was I haunted by it, but I had become determined to prove that my own relationship with him was nothing alike theirs and we wouldn't go down the same road.

I know that I cannot blame my husband for how my life has turned out.  I just wish that he could better appreciate the kind of sacrifices I made to be with him.  Nevermind the freedoms with being single - but how if roles were reversed - he admits that he wouldn't have been so patient, emotionally available or financially generous as I had been if roles were reversed and then ends it with, "So deal with it."  In addition to how our marriage had revealed itself to be loveless - what makes it worth it to stay?  "Only you can answer that," he says.

Because I am fooling myself.

weepingwillow weepingwillow
26-30, F
2 Responses Jul 9, 2007

Hey there What happened...<br />
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There are few details but it's probably not necessary for anyone reading your story. If you're like me you wonder what can be done to change the current situation....for me it's a focus on what will make me stronger (not just happier). My mate is basically apathetic, so no matter what energy I expend in that direction is sucked down a black hole. <br />
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Write a script of how you'd like things to be or what would be just doggone different...and begin checking them off. One of mine was skydiving...checked.<br />
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Best of luck

Another decent soul makes a wrong decision. Very few people really know themselves well enough to make all the right choices in life. And it's usually those who are kind or have giving attitudes that choose people in an attempt to be helpful to them or are actually selfless in motive and defer to someone who is a "taker". And takers will take all that you have and then take some more. Find something about which you are passionate. It must be something for you. Something is out there for you. You might be stuck in a family situation you cannot get out of. It happens.