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Lost Memories

  Children aren't really expected to remember that much of their memories, especially the younger an age that a child was. And then there are some who are either creatively artistic enough to come up with some and then there are quite some others who are truly gifted with memory. Finally there are just some of us, which I am one, that seems to flounder when it comes to remembering much of that which constituted life before reaching maturity.

  When it comes to my very younger years to the age of two I have no memories whatsoever to recall. I don't remember the process or nightmare of being snatched from my biological parents, of even having lived with that family and interacting with the extended family that lived around us. I don't remember the various pets or what it was like to come to live in the Fitzgerald household, which would adopt us. And there would be no memory of the various foster siblings that were mentioned to have lived with us just before the arrival of the Cooks.

   The various memories I have of my preschool years are just a bit more but they mainly concern being sick a bunch of the time although I cannot remember the hospital stay. Of the vague Halloween parties that the Baptist church would hold for our class and trying to learn repeatedly the phone number that I couldn't remember. And it seems that the older I get the more I can remember some piece or snippet of memory. Most have been full of trauma, bad feelings or just odd bits.

   The majority of my childhood memory album is like that thick bank of fog without a memory of what I did on any particular day, how I felt or what I thought. And a piece will occasionaly float up like a bright autumn-painted leaf to flicker teasingly over that expanse of emptiness before it blows off yet again. What did that piece mean to me? Where did it fit in? And definately will I ever get a chance to bring it back  up to the spotlight.

   Yet there are no answers, no escapes to figure out where the earlier life of a child might have went wrong and definately no solid history to fall back on for future generations. The past is just as blank as the future.

Dormantdrakon Dormantdrakon 22-25, F 5 Responses Mar 14, 2010

Your Response


you are blessed to not have memories of your childhood. I wish I did not have those memories i do. They hurt. I would trade them.

It's true Est941 that it was a wonderful mechanism to escape the collapsing world and I am happy to hear that I am not the only one. It does seem that most kids have two options when they try to escape a world of pain or hurt - one is MPS while the other seems to be the blanking of memories. It would be interesting if the scientific world found out which was the "better" one.<br />
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My trailer-mate is like that where he can remember all sorts of things with little details from when he was very little and in a way just to hear him talk about it makes me feel like I am missing out on my own world. Fortunately my memory-making is somewhat becoming better now as I progress away from a negative nurturing world.<br />
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I definately encourage and hope that you do continue to make those memories for kids need them now more than ever, especially as things get harder. They might not like that they have to clean their room but it will be offset by what Mommy or Daddy offered. Otherwise we definately need more Est941s in our lives!

How interesting. By the sounds of it, you developed a good protection mechanism against a catastrophic childhood. I too have difficulty in recalling a good deal of mine with clarity, although the bits I do recall are the bits involving my sister and our isolated world of pretend games, rather than memories of the so called adults that were doing their worst around us. <br />
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My boyfriend is one of the few who can recall enormous amounts from as young as 2 years old. At first we thought it must be stuff he had heard about and formed as his own memory, but on countless occasions he has recalled details which others had long since forgotten, only to find himself entirely accurate.<br />
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These days, I take the development of my childrens memories very seriously. When I am asked for a cuddle in the middle carrying a pile of wet washing, I stop what I'm doing and help form a lovely memory. If I'm asked for help with homework, I TRY to help if I can. Even if I'm just the researcher. I take my role as memory maker very seriously. That's not to say that they wont also remember getting in trouble for having a messy room, or not ringing in to tell me where they are. <br />
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I think it helps fill the void that we and countless others may feel by committing to making sure the people around us have great memories of us. Families, friends, work colleagues, passersby. They all have a cerebral storage facility that we can contribute positive memories to. <br />
Warmest wishes

Thanks Morningstar, you didn't have to apologize but I appreciate your gesture.

I am so sorry.