Felt, But Not Remembered ...

I've forgotten so much of my childhood, I forgot I even joined this group ... lol.

I've remembered the important parts.  Not the details, just enough to make sense of it's impact.

I've accepted I can't change it.

I know I didn't deserve it.

I'm ready to let it go now.

As the rest of you know, it's easier said than done.

But, it's time.
SeriouslySappy SeriouslySappy
51-55, F
9 Responses Jan 4, 2011

I am a 54 year old man who always shows respect, courtesy, and care towards all I meet. Yet I have no friends. It seems that men are only allowed to have sports or drinking buddies, while women can have true friends they can share problems and feelings of inadequacy with. Everwhere I go I go alone. Usually I am the only person alone. It's been this way year after year. Noone asks me if I want to go anywhere or do anything. If I talk to someone, I almost always have to repeat myself at least once, then I get a very brief response. Seldom do people begin conversations with me. Thus I have no experiences to talk about the next time because I remain alone and don't do much. a vicious circle. Could you people please tell me where and how you met the people you talk to or do things with? Where and how, in general did you meet your spouses, boyfriends, or girlfriends? The only people who talk in depth to me are those who ultimately want money or a ride at the end. The only people who call me are cheery telemarketers who say it's a Thank You call, then end by asking for more money. I've given much to breast cancer groups, but no prostate cancer group has ever called me.

Cabby, what a beautiful philosophy about life ! I think you're right. We are not only the sum of our experiences. More importantly, it's how we decide to let them impact our lives. I do think things happen for a reason. There is always something to be learned and that we can use to improve our own understanding of others.

Thanks girls, a large part of how I have overcome so much, is that at my core, I believe that no experience is wasted or meaningless. Every experience we have can be turned into a magnificent and beautiful vehicle for learning, healing and reaching out to others in same/similar situations or emotions. It has given meaning not to just my own life, but beautiful innocents like my late mom, and late dad, and my late sister. We all have the same depth of hurts and losses, only the bare facts are different. If we all found the meaning and relativity for our experiences, or found where they could be used for good, it would be a beautiful world. Bless you X@

Thanks Blissy ! (((( hugs back ))))<br />
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I think the thing about the past (at least for me) is to just acknowledge it instead of trying to bury it. I don't need to analyze it anymore but for a time, I admit .... that's all I did. It was just a matter accepting it for me rather than feeling so much shame & guilt. That's what really does the damage. Reaching a point where I'm ready to let it all go is a very freeing experience.<br />
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You are soooo right though Blissy. We all have things to be thankful for. And I think we all find more strength than we knew we possessed at the times we need it most.

Everyone has the capacity to be brave and strong in the face of diversity, sometimes it just lies beneath the surface waiting to be called to the fore. It's not always easy to let go of the past of course, we all know that, but I do believe that the necessary tools are within all of us. Reading stories of people who have faced dreadful trauma and come through the other side are truly inspiring ... humbling in fact. It does us all good to be reminded what we have to be thankful for. Hugs to you Sappy (and to CatchCabby and twilighteyes).

Wow Cabby .... I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother, especially in such a horrible way. My best friend lost her mother at the age of 10 from cancer. Not nearly as traumatic, but it still left her with issues. I am so very sorry for your loss.<br />
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Cabby ... I think you've written about your accident on EP previously. You are such a lovely & positive influence here, honestly it's hard for me ot imagine what you went through. All the best to you.

SS I have a lot of memory loss too, but it has no discernible pattern or specific time period. I remember almost nothing from before my mother's death when I was almost 10. They were normal. happy, non-traumatic years from all I've been told, so I don't know why. Sure my mothers' death - she was murdered brutally in our home by an unknown murderer - was traumatic and I have gaps in memory from around that time, that makes sense ...<br />
Since my accident 3 years ago when I suffered severe head injuries, I have lots of memory gaps, before, during and after the accident, The before part involves my entire life before, but also nor pattern or time period. It's very odd. <br />
I'm grateful both for the memories I do have, and for some particular ones I have lost, but there are others that I wish I could get back. Good luck with yours... X@

I'm actually grateful my solid memories are few. It's been difficult enough to let go of what I do know. But there comes a time for everyone when you just have to let go, for better or for worse. Which is exactly what I'm doing.<br />
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Thanks Ms Twi. : )

Exactly, why hold on to someone elses mistakes!...<br />
And thats what childhood is about, how others treated us! And what we felt... <br />
But part of growing up is, throwing their mistakes at their faces...<br />
and saying, you deal with it, cuz its your crap! I know what I deserve and Im going to go and get it !