2 Years Of Agonizing Silence

Okay so i learned the hard way that my voice is the best defense that i have, or that anyone has. Your voice can persuade people to do geat things, your voice can help people who are in danger and your voice can get you where you need to go. I learned this all the hard way, and i'd like to share my story with you all, and maybe someone can at least benefit from my misfortunes. And please bear with me, because i am still traumatized by what happened, and am recovering from everything. Your comments and support is greatly appreciated.

Here goes nothing :

In elementary school i was bullied, but i still had a pretty high self esteem. I took their verbal assaults as a grain of salt. My parents comforted me by saying that they are only mean tobe because they are jealous of me, and the only way they can feel better about themselves is to attempt to make me feel bad. I did my best to believe their words of wisdom. Sixth grade i started to believe the bullies. I started to worry that maybe i was really fat like they said. Keep in mind i was 4' 7" and 77 lbs during this time. I knew i wasnt fat, but that year i became very body concious. People called me ugly... i started to hate everything about me. The way i talked, looked, ate, sat, everything i did was critizised. My self esteem was slowly degrading.

During middle school, i was homeschooled. I guess thats when i first started to feel worthless and alone. I wanted someone so desperatly to love me and make me feel like i was important. That never came.

Highschool... was hell. At least i can say i survived those two years. Everything i stated thus far is just backround info to what happened. So i went into freshman year with this impossible goal of having everyone like me, and no one hate me. Stupid, i know. I met this guy, who i will refer to as JP. JP was not very attractive, but he made up for it with charm. The new friends i made completely disapproved of him, but i ignored them. I was just dying for someone to love me. I was so blind then, because i was fighting for one persons love who didnt deserve mine, while i had so many people who truly loved me. Well, JP and I became very close friends. He knew about my self esteem issues, and i assume thats why he picked me as his target. About 3 weeks into school, he asked me out. I said yes. That same day, he started to make me feel uncomfortable. He would touch his lips during class andpoint at me, he would thrust himself foward in his chair and whisper my name while in class... he just started to worry me. The next day he asked me to kiss him, and i said no because my mom had just arrived in the parking lot to pick me up from school. My rejection didnt settle well with him. He grabbed my face and kissed me a bit too hard, and said dont ever do that again. He left me on the stairwell, and i didnt know what to think. I never felt frightened of him before, so i reasoned with myself that this is normal, and is somethig that all couples do. The next week or so in Biology class, the teacher assigned us new bio partners, and with just my luck, i was paired up with JP. We sat in the back row of class and during lectures he would put his hands inside my pants and squeeze my butt. He made me want to cry especially when he would move his hand deeper in my pants and try to finger my vagina. He couldnt reach, but still... it was horrible. The worst part is though, THIS ALL HAPPENED DURING CLASS! im sure my peers saw it, but didnt do anything. My eyes pleaded for help whenever anyone looked my way. He ended up breaking up with me, but he didnt stop hurting me. We were often times one of the last people at school to get picked up, which gave him an opportunity to do stuff. Towards the end of the year, things became more forceful, and i wanted to report him because i felt like i was dying inside. I pretended to be happy all the time, which was was JP required, so nobody knew. I told JP one day that i knew what he was doing was wrong, and he dared me to report him. He said that if i told he would ruin my reputation and make me deeply regret it. The last time we saw eachother freshman year was on a school feild trip at Great America. He took me behind one of the buildings which was like an isolated alley, and threw me on the floor and unbuckled his pants while standing over me. He squatted down so his area was right above my face. He took off his pants but remained in his boxers, and slowly moved down towards a sex position. While he moved down he made sure his area was pressed against my body. When he got down there, he started to hump me. I still had my pants on, so no, it wasnt sex. He put his hands under my sweatshirt and felt me up and then slowly pushed it above my head while licking my stomach. At this point i wasnt just crying, i was bawling but didnt make a sound. He looked at my tear stained face and got up and told me i wasnt worth it. That i shouldnt be crying because i was stupid to think he would want to have sex with me. He said i was too ugly and repulsive that no one would ever love me. He said fat ugly girls like me dont deserve love. They are lucky enough if they were used and thrown out. He said i was trash, and left me in the alley while i formed myself into the fetile position and cried. That was the worst he ever did to me. He made me feel like a giant monster. I was 5' 1" and 97 lbs. Over summer, what happened was on constant replay and i started to internalize what he said.

Sophmore year was HORRIFIC! JP and i had very few encounters outside of the class we shared together which was english and we sat in the front of the class, him directly infront of me. Our seating positions sound safe enough right? Nope, the teacher was oblivious and so was everyone around us. He would turn his chair so it was perpandicular to me, and
would touch my thigh and rub my vagina. I tried to push him away, but
quickly realized that it was pointless. During this year i pushed so many people away, and two of my friends stayed with me. They quickly realized that something was wrong, and practically forced me to tell them how i was feeling. They saw my arms, they found out about my numerous suicide attempts, but they didnt know about JP. They kept me alive. My old friend from freshman year was the only one who knew about JP. One day, January 20, JP pushed me over the edge. He lured me into the stairwell, and forcefully pulled me into his body and put his hands in my pants. I pushed him away, and he returned the reaction by grabbing my wrists and dragging me into a hallway where we were alone. He pushed me against the wall and again put his hand in my pants and began to finger me roughly. It hurt so bad, and i attempted to push him away but he just slammed me back to the wall, and eventually pushed me into an empty room. He threw me on the floor, and i hit my head hard on the floor. The next thing i realized, he was unbuttoning my pants. He got them off and pushed my legs apart and licked my inner thighs (underwear still on). Then he stood up and backed up a few steps to unbutton his pants. I immediatly scrambled up and ran out the door, struggling to pull my pants up while still moving. I got down the stairs when my friend who knew about JP saw me. She knew things well enough to know my hysterical crying and shaking was due to JP. She tried to comfort me while convincing me to report him. I was too scared of JP to tell, so we went to our next class together. We had a sub, so when i mustered up the courage to go report him, my friend helped me down the stairs. We reached the main office area just as the vice principal was leaving his office. The minute i saw him i tried to run back to class, but my friend grabbed me and reasoned with me that it was now or never. We went back to the main office area but the VP was not there, but the secretry who i had a strong bond with saw me crying, and called me to her office. The only things i could say through my tears was Jose and hurt and inappropriate. She got the hint, and asked my friend to tell her what she knows. The secretary called the VP back to the office and we went into the conferance room. My friend did the talking while i just continued crying my eyes out. Once the VP wanted to talk to me, he sent my friend back to her class. The secretary left along with her, and the VP started asking questions. I hate myself for this, but i told him, my dad, my mom and the police the PG version of what happened.... not the R rated one. JP got suspended for a couple days, but even though he wasnt there, his prescence was. He started a rumor that i begged him for sex and he helped me, and that i only told because i was worried that i might be pregnant because i didnt want to use protection. He essentialy made me the accused, a ****, and *****. Soon many other people started to feel it was their duty to torture me. Girls put up numerous signs in the bathroom saying "Sign here if you think...." posters. The topics were she is fat, she is ugly, she should kill herself, she is ****, and many more. I think thats why i started restricting, i cant really remember when i chose to stop eating, but this is where i think it was. Suicide was a promenant thought, and i attempted almost every other day after april. My friends stopped me every time. My arm was always red.

Over summer, i transferred schools, and so far, things are okay. I am struggling to get over depression and i fight off anxiety and panick attacks regularly, and i try to eat. JP ruined my life, but ultimatly i know it was my fault. If only i had spoken up for myself.... none of this wouldve happened.
londalove101 londalove101
18-21, F
Nov 30, 2012