I Don't Talk To My Father

I am the child of divorced parents. My parents got married, had me, and then later divorced. I was about 3 at the time so I do not remember. I am not one of those kids who blamed themselves for the divorce because I was to young to remember. They both remarried very quickly. As such my stepmother and stepfather were very much an active part of my life who I was somewhat close to. As per their divorce decree I had a rotating schedule in which I would usually spend the weekdays with my mom and weekends with my dad every week. So they were both very active parents. I had a very good relationship with my father. We went on vacations together, we laughed together, I spent almost all my free time with him, we played cards together and we looooved playing computer games together and beating each others scores and going to the movies together. I talked to him about everything! My stepmom as a rather cold woman who at times showed warmth but was very controlling and hard to get along with mainly because we have somewhat similar personalities and butted heads. Growing up my relationship with my Mom was strained and distant at best. Because of the close relationship with my Dad I distanced myself from my Mom because of the way I saw her speak about him and treat him but also because of numerous inappropriate things my father told me about her (i.e. she cheated on him, had sex w/ a drug dealer when he was supposed to be dropping me off, had an abortion, accused him of sexually abusing me [which was never true!]). Because of the relationship I had with him I put him on a pedastal and believed anything he said as such I had a low opinion of her. My dad was very doting, spending lots of money on lavish parties for me, sending me roses to school for my bday, renting limos for parties etc. He came from a broken and abusive home and always told me he wanted me to have different. He always told me he would pay for 50% of my college wherever I went!
My father although doting always had a way of "picking" at me. In one breath I was beautiful in the next I had stretch marks on my breasts and my acne was bad or I had a muffin top (which was completley untrue I am a size 2). He would tell me I would never get an academic scholarship (I know go to a private school in NH on a $10,000 academic scholarship). As someone who looked up to him it greatly affected my self esteem and as such had none. On one hand I was smart and then on the other if I got a B- it was "well why didn't you get a B". Or when I was accepted into his alma mater into the honors program his response was, "honors students don't get D's on math tests." In high school it got worse until senior year where he had broken a very serious promise to me. It was the beginning of the end. I distanced myself from him and he knew it. And as such would force me to be around him. As application time came around I tried getting him to talk about what colleges to apply to etc. etc. Because he never would definitively say where he would contribute to. One minute it was, "I'll pay 50% anywhere" the next it was "I will only pay for a state school." This went on for the ENTIRE application process. The more I talked to him about where I wanted to apply the more evasive he would get, he would tell me I was unrealistic since I wanted to study International Relations. My mom and stepdad both were frustrated cause they didn't know what to do. Are they going to pay for school or is my dad as my dad always said he'd pay 50%. I recieved my acceptance letters (was accepted to 10 out of 12!). One month before tuition payments were due he dropped the bomb after multiple knock down drag out tear filled enraged filled fights... "I'm only paying 100% for an instate school." (He is an adament believer that a state school is good as anywhere else and going anywhere else then the school he went to was unecesary because he was successful so I could go and be just as successful). This decision was also made by the fact he read my diary and read some... to put it nicely not so "polite" things about him and my stepmom. My stepdad stepped up with my mom and said, "we will pay for you to go wherever you want." I told my Dad this and he FLIPPED. We had the worst fight we have ever had. He called my stepfather terribly defamatory and bigot induced names. He insisted he was my father and that it was his responsibility to pay for things.... but refused to pay for anywhere he didn't approve of. I quickly financially and emotionally detached myself from him. He had called me selfish, a brat, unrealistic, told me I had no friends, that I was "a mistake" when he came home drunk one night", that all I cared about was graduation gifts and was ungrateful. He offered to buy me a car, I declined, I switched my family plan to my moms and payed my own bills. My mom gave me her third car that she didnt use and I payed the insurance. Cause of financial aid I ended up going to a school that costs $40,000 a year but its perfect for the program that I am in. Thanks to financial aid and scholarships its only $20,000 out of pocket and my mom/stepdad and I split it 50/50. Struggling financially to pay myself personally makes me happier and more secure knowing that I would be controlled for another four years by him.
I have ceased speaking with him. The emotional abuse was more than I can handle. I have found friends who I care about and who care about me and empower me and make me for the first time in my life love myself for who I am and not for who THEY want me to be. I have a great relationship with my mom and my stepdad and my stepdad is my father in every way that counts. My father sporadically sends me $40 here and their and xmas gifts but I send them back or do not respond. I have forgiven him but want nothing to do with him. When he read that diary their was info about my virginity and my struggles with boys and friends and my moms family and info that was NONE of his business... he essentially emotionally raped me. He called me a mistake and terrible names and refuse to surround myself with it. He believes hes done no wrong and is clearly suffering from narcisstic personality disorder. Whats your interpretation of what I have told you so far?
ForgivenessIsntForgetting ForgivenessIsntForgetting
18-21
Dec 10, 2012