I Hardly Talk To My Father

I am the eldest of three.  Growing up at home was terrible as our Father was a vile and spiteful beast.

I was told often that I came along too soon after he and our Mother married (12 months).  My brother was planned, then three years later my Mother got pregnant again, the youngest brother was always told he came along as an unwanted afterthought.

My Father was too handy with his fists and beat us mercilessly, although to a much lesser degree the elder brother.

We tried hard to please him as kids but nothing we ever did was right.  We dreaded him coming home each evening.  Our Mother was a coward and left all disciplining to him, even tho she knew we would be knocked around the house.  She told him every detail of every misdemeanour.

I realised at an early age that I hated my Father and that hate has never waned or left me.  My younger brother feels the same and we rarely see our parents or our brother. 

My father is now elderly and I am no longer frightened of him, I even challenge him and we have argued viciously.  I can actually see that he isnt the giant I used to see as a child.  He is a balding old man and he no longer rules my life, in fact he hardly knows anything about my life. I keep him at arms length.

Maybe I could understand the violence if he too had been treated badly as a child but my grandparents were gentle people.  My Father was the youngest of 7 and spoiled by his siblings and parents.  I overheard my Grandmother tell him one day that he would go too far beating us and hurt us and then the officials would find out.  That never stopped him, he thought he was above the law.  His word WAS the law and god help anyone who flouted his word.

I did well at school and have had a very good, well paid job which my Father will take the credit for boasting that HE kept my nose to the grindstone and encouraged me to do well.

The truth was that I worked hard for myself, knowing that my only escape would be College and good grades in order to get a good job.  When my Father asked me 18 months ago what my salary was and I told him, he nearly burst a blood vessel. But in the next breath I overheard him boasting that 'my daughter has done so well and is earning mega bucks,  I saw to it that she burned the midnnight oil in her studies'.

Im glad I have such a well paid job, I live a long way from them, I only see them as necessary, the last occasion being a funeral.  I shant even bother to go to either of theirs.

I think my hate and loathing will only be buried with my father and I cannot wait for that day.

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2 Responses Mar 13, 2010

Your dad's just like mine. Plz be my friend!

What a very sad story kj7681, it brought a tear to my eye that you were treated this way as a child. I hope that someday before he dies your Father sees the light and has the guts to apologize to you and your brothers. Meanwhile your determination to suceed is obvious and the wonderful caring adult you have become shows that children don't have to follow in their parents footsteps.