The perpetual "third wheel"...

Yeah, so this is me..I am ugly. And the absolute worst part of that is, exactly this....I will never be loved ROMANTICALLY. In fact, when religions try to scare you into conformity by going on about  "HELL" (scary music playing)...I think to myself 'I am in hell'. I am living my worst nightmare....wanting, needing, craving romantic companionship more than anything, yet being unanimously denied that very thing,..denied the one thing I have wanted.  So religion and their scare tactics ring pathetic and hollow to me, because I am in hell already.

Now you have to make a distinction here. There is a difference between love and romantic love. I do have people that love me, friends, family etc. But romantic love is very is based on attraction (specifically sexual attraction) towards another.  And it is very conditional, for as long as you hold the others attention you hold their romantic love for you, but once attraction is lost by either party, then too has the romantic part of that love died.

So if you or your partner "falls out of love", that means you have lost romantic (sexual) attraction. You may still 'love' that person in a general humanitarian/caring sort of way, but attraction is lost, thus physical intimacy is lost also. The difference between friends and lovers is physical intimacy, the difference between marriage partners and roommates is physical intimacy, The difference between romantic love and all others is physical intimacy. You can love friends, family members, etc and become intimate by sharing your thoughts, feeling, and experiences with them, thus you can have love and intimacy under plutonic circumstances, but the one difference between love and romantic love is physical intimacy. Once you add sex and sexuality to a relationship it becomes romantic love rather than general love.

And when it comes to peoples sexuality, it is very complicated. Someone may hold your attraction and thus your attention for a year, for a week, or for the rest of your life, it's a very vague area, and people themselves may not fully understand why they like this type or that type. Disney and others have done a huge disservice by selling fairy tales which perpetuate' happy ending' and 'for the rest of our life' type romances, when in fact the reality of the human condition does not support any of this in terms of romantic coupling. Believe me I bought into all that.

So why would I want romance?.. when it is such a cruel, fickle, fleeting experience. Why not simply settle for plutonic relations with friends and family and get love that way. Well, I guess that is part of the human ignore the logical and chase the etherial. For reasons that I don't even know or understand, I have always craved romantic relations more than anything else, and it has been consistantly denied me. I have watched for years while romance and sparks and chemicals have danced upon those around me, but never upon me. It hurts always looking in from the outside, always being the perpetual third wheel, or being the wallflower not by choice. Ever since puberty/high school I have been ugly and ingnored.....and now I am old and beyond hope or repair. I know it will never happen.

I want to feel those electric sparks and chemicals from someone who desires me as much as I her. I want to experience nights of liquid fire, and to wake up in the loving arms of someone who can't get enough of me. I want to be the center of someone's universe, to be their everything. I want to have someone stare at me for no reason, to find my little imperfections cute, someone that would defend me even if I'm in the wrong, someone who would sacrifice themselves for me. Yes I desire all this, and I know most of it is cheesy cliche' and the rest is unrealistic drivel sold by movies. But still when I watch a movie like 'Titanic' or 'What dreams may come', and watch what people would do for romantic love, it fills me with such wonderful's like a heart-gasm. Yet , after the movie is over, I realize the only place I will ever see love like this is in the movies...because most likely it doesn't exist...and even if it does, it was never meant for me.

I realize the scientific explantion of romance and how it affect various pleasure zones of the brain, that it is like a drug high. I hear others try to comfort me by saying romance is overrated and that true, pure love can only be found in the parent/child love. I hear all this crap designed to tell me I'm not really missing anything important because romance is temporary, bla,bla,bla....Well, I don't care, all I have ever wanted was to be attractive and desirable to females. And yes maybe I bought into bogus fairy tales sold by movies or novels, or maybe I am simply in love with the idea of being' in love', whatever the reason, I desire romantic relations more than anything else. And sadly I know I will never have that with someone who I am completed attracted to and someone who is equally attracted to me.

Oh sure, you can perhaps find someone who desires you, but maybe your not really attracted to the. Or maybe you can pity or guilt someone into being with you or staying with you a while, but then this is not romance at all, but rather maniplulative control under duress.  So simply going out and finding any warm body is not enough, equity of desire by both parties is true romance. Finding two people with equal and consuming attraction for one another, that is the rarest love connection there is. Though elusive, we still chase after it.

So yes, romance can be a very shallow, because more often than not attraction is based upon superficialities. Which is why I started off with "I am ugly", because this ugly mug of mine is my weak link,... it is the reason I have never had romantic love and I never will. Remember, the difference between 'romantic' love and other love is sexual attraction...who you share yourself with sexually. Now, some may look beyond appearances and find attraction through a persons character or inner beauty. But let's be real, for most people especially in the beginning, it is about looks. And looks is a huge reason why people lose  attraction or "fall out of love", when a partner lets themselves go. I understand this, I could not sustain a romantic relationship with someone I was not completely attracted to as it would be unfair to me, and I would not expect someone to be with me if they were not completely attracted to me, it would not be fair to them.

So I understand the nature of the beast. I simply have been given the short end of the stick in regards to romantically attracting or keep someone, and that really sucks. Like others here I have always been "the friend" and the "third wheel",...... it sucks and I hate it. And when people patronize me with.."it will happen for you"  or  "you'll meet someone who will appreciate you", this ****** me off completely, because it is Bull$h*t and I hate when people come at me with condescending attempts at pity compliments. Yes I am ugly and undesirable and will never find romantic love, but I am strong and intelligent and I do not need your pity or comments of futile hope. I appreciate someone simply saying 'Yeah that sucks, I'm sorry" rather than "oh, you just haven't met the right one yet",...what nonsense. Yes in the realm of mathematical/statistical probability, there are some 2 to 3 billion females on this yes there are plenty of opportunities. But I am old, ugly, and damaged beyond repair, time is up for me and I know it will never happen, so statements meant to boost my spirits only end up dragging me down.

Anyhow this is "my experience" and it is painful. There is so much wonder and beauty in this life, and for those that find romance and love I celebrate with them. I am happy when two people connect and I am sad for all those like myself tossed to the side of the road and forgotten. I wish I could help everyone find love and acceptance. Cupid would be a perfect job for me, I like seeing people find one another and fall in love, maybe I live vicariously through others' love since I have never had that myself. I do not curse those that have it, I just wonder where the justice in the universe is for those that do not have it..

I don't know that my words will help or inspire anyone, I am simply laying it out for consideration. And maybe this sounded more like a lecture, but I just am trying to convey the fact that I understand how complicated and difficult romance is, I have analyzed it thouroughly over the years and I understand how complicated it is, and though I like to blame females for my lonliness, I know there is no single culprit here pin my troubles upon.  I am simply saying it sucks wanting something you'll never have, and in my particular case it sucks being undesirable.

I wish you all happiness,...have a wonderful day!

yummytush yummytush
31-35, M
7 Responses Oct 10, 2010

I hear you. I'm a pretty cool person and not great looking but lots of guys like to hang out with me. HOWEVER they fall in love with the pretty ones. It is so weird to talk to them and hear them whine and cry about how much they love some girl because of her eyes or her hair or her perfect body... Seriously? And then they are sad because she doesn't 'love' them back. Plenty of men have told me that they 'fell in love at first sight'. I think their idea of love and mine is different. I have had one proposal of marriage in my life and, believe me, I am not that picky. Later he told me he only liked me because I reminded him of a former girlfriend. I figure some of us are destined for crazy passionate romantic love and some of us are not. It is too bad but life could be so much worse. At least I have a beautiful daughter who truly loves me and my dogs, lol.

Howdy. I hear and respect you. Indeed looks do play a major role in attraction and I am the first to acknowledge that there are some people who may very well not find love in this life specifically because they aren't physically attractive. It is sad and unjust, and if there were something I could do, I would. I know a woman who languishes in a state hospital who has never known the loving touch of a man and is very unlikely to because she is disfigured. She is a 57 year old virgin and likely to die that way. I tell you this not to dishearten you or make you feel sad for her. I tell you this to show that I'm not blowing sunshine up your...rear. I don't buy fairy tales and the all-too-common "there's someone for everyone" idea.

Now that being said, I'll direct you to an article in Psychology Today entitled, "Being Beautiful or Handsome is Easier Than You Think!" You'll find it at:

The article goes on to state that in most cases, that which makes people physically unattractive is within their ability to change. I'm a guy, so I can't really tell if you are in fact ugly or whether it's in your mind. However, there seem to be a number of female posters who have seen your profile pic and don't agree with that assessment. You might be thinking, "They're just being polite. They don't really mean it." Well, maybe you are ugly, but consider that you might very well be able to change that.

(sigh) I just saw the date of the post. I hope you've either a) realized you're wrong, or b) decided to try to affect some changes in your appearance. If anything, perhaps other people reading this can get something out of it. Take care.

If that is actually your picture, get some self confidence man. I signed up just to tell you that, because your post drove me nuts. I hope you found someone amazing in the time since you posted this. You have a super cute Tarzan surfer thing going!! Work it!

Wait, you have to understand that romantic love is not sexual love. They are not the same! I've slept with people who liked me sexually but not romantically. No one likes me romantically. So it you're not liked romantically or sexually or both?

Is that really you on that profile pic?<br />
Because if that's the case, your problem is really ALL about your state of mind.<br />
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I think the danger with thinking that way (and I stumbled on this article because I sometimes feel the exact same way, like today) is that you'll shut yourself off for opportunities to have the relationship you want.<br />
If you automatically think that a person you like won't be interested in you, the only thing that could happen is that the person in question won't give you any attention either. Unless he/she happens to be courageous for two and does all the work, but that's a fairytale.<br />
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I'm fairly decent looking, and I've known very intense romantic love. It lasted a year.<br />
You, my friend, if that's you on the pic, shouldn't be worrying AT ALL about your looks, as I would be very proud to even resemble to anyone like that.<br />
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Worry about being open to meet women you want.<br />
Your woman won't all of a sudden come knock at your door and do all the work. Get to know women you're interested in, and don't try to force the romantic aspect. If you're focussing on that perfect idyllic feeling, you can only be disappointed. It just happens to come sometimes.<br />
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I think you/we should focus on being available and do things that increase the chance of meeting the right person.

your looks.... good phyique, nice face fr<x>amed by wild *** hair.... cute smile, attractive to me. your username "yummytush" sounds confident.... makes your post seem contradictory but i understand and feel the same. friends say i'm such a nice person, beautiful inside and out yet...i don't seem to find men who wish to stay with me... they say you just haven't found the right one. frick. other friends have guys swarming around them... i do see confidence as a factor.... it is attractive! i'm woking on changing my thinking..."Change your thought and you change your world" Norman Vincent Peale. anyway sometimes i just have to change the channel in my mind and shut down the negative chatter. it's a bad habit.... you know the mind, it's a dangerous place, dont go in there alone, LOL you are young and attractive, believe in yourself, do what you love and you will have loving experiences.... they may not last forever but cherish them... sometimes it sucks and is painful. i guess that's the only way we know when something is great... cheer up yummy, u r HOT =} enjoy your young life, it goes by quickly PS you are a good writer

Hey I know exactly what you mean. I'm 18 and have never had a girl say I was cute let alone a girlfriend. It definitely gets to me and like you I like to see people happy together and like to watch romance stuff. Maybe its because while romance for some is simply girl of the week, for me its a fairy tale. But Neither you nor I should give up hope completely. We're all built differently and maybe we just haven't bumped into our source of happiness yet.