It's Not Something I Will Hold My Breath For

I don't think anyone will ever love me romantically for several reasons.

I am a survivor of several past incidences of sexual abuse. It started when I was very young- only 4 years old. I won't get into the details, but the abuse continued until I was 6 years old, and then other separate abuses happened when I was ages 9 and 14. Then when I was 22 I was raped by an off-duty police officer. Then when I was 25, I was in an abusive relationship with a man who beat me and raped me often. I finally got away from him after a year.

The early incidences of molestation scarred me and as a result, I am unable to experience and share physical intimacy with anyone. The later abusive relationship traumatized me for sex and since then, I have a very hard time being sexual in any way physically. Who wants a relationship with someone who can't "open up" emotionally or physically? I have been told by more than one person that I am "hard to get close to", "hard to love", and that I will never be able to have a healthy relationship because I am so "scared and closed off".

I am also struggling with health issues- I have PCOS, an endocrine disorder which causes me to suffer from a lot of pain in my ovaries and uterus, causes me to have a dramatically slow metabolism and a fat distribution around my torso and face, causes me to have irregular periods and lots of painful cramps, and causes me to have embarrassing hair growth, infertility, and mood swings. I also suffer from endometriosis, a painful condition that causes a swollen abdomen and painful intercourse. Who in the world would want to be with a person who has all of that wrong with them!? Whew!

This is why no one will ever love me romantically. I have made peace with it and I don't think being alone forever is a death sentence. There are lots of things I want to do- I'd like to help people and animals on a daily basis, I'd like to work toward owning my own home and perhaps fostering children and animals. I may not be able to be loved romantically, but I have lots of love to give to people and animals who perhaps have never felt it before. That makes my life worth living, single or not. ^_^
SpiritOfTheRabbit SpiritOfTheRabbit
36-40, F
4 Responses May 2, 2012

PLEASE look for the program 'Enjoying Everyday Life' with Joyce Meyer, and/or find her books. She's a survivor of abuse and she'll show you the answers you seek.

You will find love one day.
The guy you are looking for is looking for a woman just like you.
You'll find each other.

I am sorry to read about your experiences in your story here. I hope things have gotten better for you.

Man, these stories are always so tough for me to read because of the pain felt. First off, I'm terribly sorry that these creeps took advantage of you.<br />
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But.......with that being said, I'd have to disagree with that you feel that you won't ever be loved romantically. With trauma comes fear and with fear comes reservations. You will ultimately meet someone that will spin your heart upside down and will once again find that spark that you seek - I have no doubt :)<br />
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Thank you for sharing this personal tidbit of your life with us :)

You sound like a very strong independent woman. I think everything you been through is something that cam be used to help other people with issues they hsvr of their own as well as yourself. I'm sure that there is someone out there that will love you for who you are and not how often you spread your legs.

Thank you very much. :)

It is a shame that you had to experience all those things though... I guess they weren't lying when they said life isn't easy.

No, they weren't. lol