It's Not Something I Will Hold My Breath ForI don't think anyone will ever love me romantically for several reasons.
I am a survivor of several past incidences of sexual abuse. It started when I was very young- only 4 years old. I won't get into the details, but the abuse continued until I was 6 years old, and then other separate abuses happened when I was ages 9 and 14. Then when I was 22 I was raped by an off-duty police officer. Then when I was 25, I was in an abusive relationship with a man who beat me and raped me often. I finally got away from him after a year.
The early incidences of molestation scarred me and as a result, I am unable to experience and share physical intimacy with anyone. The later abusive relationship traumatized me for sex and since then, I have a very hard time being sexual in any way physically. Who wants a relationship with someone who can't "open up" emotionally or physically? I have been told by more than one person that I am "hard to get close to", "hard to love", and that I will never be able to have a healthy relationship because I am so "scared and closed off".
I am also struggling with health issues- I have PCOS, an endocrine disorder which causes me to suffer from a lot of pain in my ovaries and uterus, causes me to have a dramatically slow metabolism and a fat distribution around my torso and face, causes me to have irregular periods and lots of painful cramps, and causes me to have embarrassing hair growth, infertility, and mood swings. I also suffer from endometriosis, a painful condition that causes a swollen abdomen and painful intercourse. Who in the world would want to be with a person who has all of that wrong with them!? Whew!
This is why no one will ever love me romantically. I have made peace with it and I don't think being alone forever is a death sentence. There are lots of things I want to do- I'd like to help people and animals on a daily basis, I'd like to work toward owning my own home and perhaps fostering children and animals. I may not be able to be loved romantically, but I have lots of love to give to people and animals who perhaps have never felt it before. That makes my life worth living, single or not. ^_^
SpiritOfTheRabbit 31-35, F 4 Responses 4 May 2, 2012