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Scarred For Life

Let me start when I was 8 years old. I suffered from a disease called "Meningococcal Sebsis", which is basically bacteria destroying fat and skin tissue on the extremeties. Now this was discovered way too late, so that I wound up in Hospital for 10 weeks during which I had almost all the skin on my legs (which was completely destroyed) replaced with skin transplants from myself. Those were taken from my chest, stomach, back, arms and head. I also suffered of the Waterhouse-Friederichsen Syndrome, which kills 90% of it's victims. The first hospital I was in made a mistake as well, giving me more and more liquid, to keep my circulatory system going, which eventually settled under the skin in my face and on my arms, which were simply popped while the flesh below went foul. Because of this I also have scars and wounds on my face and arms which makes me get to a count of:
-Almost complete area on my legs obliterated and scars/burn wound transplants.
-1 missing muscle in each calve that was relocated over my knees to protect the kneecap, my muscles in my calves are now slightly visible while working.
-Missing the entire first skinlayer on my stomach, chest, back parts of my arms and below my hair.
-About 20-40 scars.
This is irreparable. I doubt even the best cosmetic surgeons could fix this up.

After I got out of hospital I made an unnaturally fast recovery during which I re-learned walking and even riding a bicycle which was said to me would be impossible.
When I was about 13 it first dawned on my that I may not be as normal as I thought I would be, when I was repeadetly called out on the most visible scars on my face and arms, although I just put it off as dumb child's talk back then.

Now, this carried on, and still does. Children look at me and hide behind their mother's legs. (Don't think of this as incredibly extreme, I don't look like a bear mauled me, just like I held my face onto a hot furnace for like 2 minutes.) The only reactions I get from girls is "Did you see that guy?" and I just can not manage to gain any real friends no matter how hard I try to socialize.
Now I'm 18, and we're coming up to the 10 year mark in about a month, I don't know how to continue, I always act like everything is okay to everybody I know but it's not. I'm on a second run-through of high-school to gain a better degree which will get me a better-paid job, but what will that money give me if I will never ever have anybody to share it with.
There is a single person on this planet who I actually talk to on a regular basis and who knows about all of this. She is great, but lives very far away from where I am. The only person who really knows me, I do not think she is quite aware of her importance. So I am not getting my hopes up anymore.
My best bet right now is to at least try to enjoy the coming 3 years of high-school and then just give up. My life has been an absolute pile of catastrophy so far, I am tired of it all, especially after not having had a girlfriend, ever. I am not scared of death anymore, love is going to be denied to me apparently, so what's the point.
Just felt like putting that out there now that I'm coming up to the 10 year mark.
Thanks for reading.
Autumn520 Autumn520 18-21 5 Responses Oct 27, 2012

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You are still young it will happen one day. Enjoy life and rememeber life is what YOU make it.

I was very much touched by this article. You've gone through a lot. But think of it this way - there are bigger 'failures' out there, if I am to call 'not-having-a-girlfriend/boyfriend' a failure. I have never had a boyfriend, despite looking normal, fit & everything. I am worse off than you then.

I hear you but real love and romance does not revolve around appearance it involves the heart soul and mind of a individual. I don't want you to get me wrong because I have compassion and empathy I even sympathize with you... What I want you to get is this you have nothing to be shy of... You want ever have and experience somethings in life if you don't desire to... I take a step further and say you want ever have do or experience somethings in life if you don't make yourself available for it. Go for what you want and close that door behind you when you go out the closet you in "Love you!"

I have also never had a boyfriend and I am currently in love with a guy who could care less about me, but what I have learned is that we need to learn to be secure in our own selves. We need to learn to not depend on the validation of others in order to feel like we are worthy. Because of all you have gone through you could be a great testimony for so many out there who feel insecure for petty little things and you can demonstrate how someone's value goes beyond physical appearance. I know a man whose face is burnt at some apartments I go visit every tuesday, and everyone looks and him and treats him like he is just like any of us.... I look into his eyes and realize that we are all just 'different' none better or worse. Why should we all mimic what society randomly lifts on a pedestal? All of us are simply different. Many times I have wanted to die and give up on life, sometimes I feel like this every day.... but I just hope to maybe be of encouragement to others, even if only through here... because if there is one thing I know... it's that there is nothing wrong with us, even if we don't function the way others want, or even if we aren't moldable to the standards of majority... All of us are simply trying to survive and the laws and statutes of mankind need not define our true inner core my friend. Stay strong... you can be a great role model for others... you are to me! Hang in there and be the example others should learn from.

I bet you are a wonderful person....and a lot of people feel hopeless about relationships at your age. Young adults often don't have a lot of tools or perspective to work with, so in these early years, superficial qualities matter more than at any other time in life. Stick with your journey....find a career, grow as a person inside and out and I believe you will find many friends along the way, and a person to share your life with. You sound very special. Best wishes to you.