Limits

My story isn't filled with physical trauma, or major tragedies, or even insecurity. Well, there was a time when I was insecure to the degree of needing therapy but that was ages ago, and therefore no excuse.

I've never kissed anyone, at all. Even in those idiotic childhood games such as 'truth or dare' or 'suck and blow' I'd sooner chicken out then show affection. Back then I thought of myself as smart, saving my affection for one person- but looking back I feel that those actions speak volumes to my present.

I've been asked out before, and boys have shown interest (if for nothing more than my looks) but I just find myself gazing back, empty inside. It's almost as though I can't muster up the ideal emotion for a relationship. Since I can't help but being cold, people drift away and somehow I don't care.

When I try to imagine myself in a loving relationship I nearly have a panic attack. The idea of someone loving me so deeply is terrifying to me for some reason. I feel as though giving myself to someone will change me for the worse, and I can't bear to move backwards in self-improvement.

I feel that no one will love me, because (at least in the moment) I can't bring myself to let them.