Burps Of Social Retardation

When I enter a social situation where I am forced to speak, there will almost always be problems. Such a social situation might be one where I reaaaally don't want to attend but I have to, for myself. I'm talking job interviews, college advisor one-on-ones, discussing an important concern with an authority figure. They're social situations where you've got to take charge.

I'm not good at social situations. I'm worse at taking charge. What can that possibly mean for our young heroine?

First, I become extremely gawky. Usually it's great to be tall but you know that feeling like you haven't quite grown into your suddenly hella long arms? In the throes of Mandatory Social Situation, my limbs seem to be attached to my body only in theory. I usually trip or drop something. If I'm not holding anything I manage to knock something down with the aforementioned "limbs."

Second, my words come out mangled and confused. They sound like questions even when they are "jokes." "That's a nice tie?" And when they're meant to be questions? "Can you tell me some important distinguishing features of your school!"

In the moment, I struggle juggling two things: mannerisms and producing thoughts that should be translated into coherent sentences. This is the third problem. The actual words come tumbling out like acrobats who haven't actually practiced for the huge show they are about to perform in front of about a gazillion people. Crutch words? Yes. Would you like stammering and repeatedly looking down at the floor with that? Oh, you've got someone there with you? I'll double that order for you.

To illustrate, I struggle keeping eye contact. When you know how important a person is, it gets hard to hold a gaze. Or at least if you are me, or some variation. So this whole time I am manufacturing my next audible sentence I am trying reaaaally hard to keep my eyes on those of the Authority Figure. I don't want to come off as intimidating but I don't want to come off as fearful. I don't want to show tension in my face but I want to show that I'm intent and listening.

And the words...oh man, the words. I am bad at small talk and big talk. "So...how long have you worked.. here? Here I mean. Not this building necessarily although I noticed you were having work done. There was a room with paint-" "How am I? I'm good.. I mean ok I guess... could be better... could be worse too. It's actually been a lot worse, trust me. You don't really know me yet though. But you should trust me. I mean not now. I'm not trying to manipulate you or anythi-- PLEASE HIRE ME SORRY I'M AWKWARD IT'S SOMETHING I'M TRYING TO FIX PLEASE OH PLEASE."

Pretty sure I have said or would say each of these things, especially the stupider ones.

I just wish I could think during these critical moments!
theroadtohello theroadtohello
18-21, F
Aug 4, 2010