It Seems Like It'll Never Happen...

Hell, I'm 18, and yeah that's a bit young to be saying I don't think it'll ever happen.. I know this.. But it's this whole combination of things.. I'm 18 on a physical level, not mentally.. Mentally I'm exhausted...

Mental breakdown at 17. Tens (10s) of let-downs throughout my life. Several partners whom decided to lie to me just to get to a more physical level. Plenty of blow-out fights. Promises people made broken; promises that were made on too important of things to be broken. Broken hearts. So many lies. Several abusive guys who I would have never thought would have turned out abusive when I first met them. (And no I didn't stand to have them abuse me.) Paranoia, anxiety, Asperger's, panic attacks, PTSD-caused-bipolar, depression, you name it. It's exhausting. It took me all my life to try to come to grips with everything, and even so I'm still trying to come to complete grips with it all..

And, no, nononono, I'm not trying to sound like some whiney youngin.. I'm simply saying I'm exhausted.. Mentally more so than anything.. And frankly I'm trying to remain hopeful that I can find someone that I'll end up marrying.. That takes a lot to do so. I gave up for awhile, after my breakdown, and just stopped believing in this "one" for a long while. Luckily, I realized that it was stupid of me to believe something so silly when I really was so very very young that I shouldn't be so stupid to so such a thing.. Just like, NO, I'm not going to blame the whole male population for stuff that a few stupid dumbasses did. There's no point in it. And it's a silly concept that I actually wonder how in ****'s sake it even came to be.... A few PoSs (pieces of ****) causing people to be disgruntled with a whole gender's population.. It's asinine and ludicrous....

Errr.. Enough ranting... Uh.. Back to the point!
To which case, I am a great bit tired so if I do make this out to be a rambled out story or there are several errors in grammar or spelling or such, I do apologize.

I fear that I've developed commitment issues because of the abuse I've endured from select dipshits. (Pardon my french. ^^ Hehe..) It scares me.. Because I put my trust fully in them for so long only to have them yank the carpet out from beneath my feet; I land smack-dab on my ***, shattering my tail bone (metaphorical for a broken heart..I suppose..or some other damaged condition), and I can't get up because of it..

I'm afraid.. Because as much as I tell myself over and over and over and freakin' over again that people don't change (and they don't, or they RARELY do, but not in this sense..), their feelings do... People fall out of love.. People have changes of hearts.. People stray.. And it scares me...

I put up this front of being a strong as hell person, and to be honest I am in a lot of ways, but beneath this front I am very sensitive and things said do tend to sink in and haunt me.. And those things, whether minuscule or not, harm me.. A lot... The thought that some day someone may very well earn my trust and then harm me close to beyond repair.. I'm not sure how long that would take me to recover from.

I would love to have a perfect relationship.. I would adore it.. I'm not sure if it will happen or not.. And I'm not saying I've given up on the whole idea; I'm saying that I am starting to think it may never happen.

I just hope life turns out in a positive way for me. I can only do my best and try to accomplish vast things and hope everything turns out in my favor. :)
Ariesgrl21 Ariesgrl21
18-21, F
5 Responses Sep 12, 2012

Don't worry so much about marriage and finding a "perfect relationship" because there is no such thing. I love my husband, but I would never say our relationship is perfect. We're human and we have to work at our relationship every day.

I never expected to get married. In fact, I had planned never to get married. At the age of 17, I was in a pretty similar place. I cut, drank, did drugs, and tried to kill myself twice. Also have PTSD, panic attacks, and depression, amongst other things.

My advice to you (that I wish someone had given me) is stay single. Spend time getting to know yourself and learning to love and respect yourself for who you are. Spend time with your friends. If your friends are not supportive or respectful, find new friends. You need time to heal yourself and figure out who you really are and what you want out of life. Take some time and enjoy being single. Marriage is not the end-all-be-all of life. You've been through bad relationships, so you know how things can go wrong. When you know who you are and what you want from life, you have a better chance of finding someone to share your life with.

Relax and take things slow. There is a lot of repair work to be done in your life before you are ready to share it with another person. Give yourself the space to heal.

Hey, doll, may I recommend that you learn some about your Myers Briggs personality profile? It has helped me understand myself better and better! Good luck! :)

You shouldnt put so much on marriage
you dont need a piece of paper that bad do you? plus youve got time on your side to find someone thats not a piece o **** or douchbag.

I'm sure you will find someone don't worry! The right person just has to come along!
What a life! And I thought mine was worse at times... hahaha i believe you will find the right person so just keep your head up and don't let those abusive and stupid guys bother you! They don't know how awesome you probably are (as a person)! :)

I've never experienced love, not even a superficial relationship. It might seem strange, but I feel like my life will never know pleasure, satisfaction, affective realization. <br />
I'm mentally exausted too. I'm obsessed by the evidence that I've never done anything to be truly happy, even when I had every opportunity at hand. The feeling of remorse is killing me, haunts me every moment.<br />
So, this is what I want to say you: never be afraid to open yourself when you feel the need, never be ashamed of your feelings. Don't fear to love. Don't bottle yourself, you will feel strong at first, but soon feel the emptiness growing inside you. Remember, your toungue may be unruly; but silence poisons the soul.<br />
Every expect the best for yourself, but at the same time act to get it. <br />
I see a positive and constructive behaviuor in your words: I could swear that you're a very nice and sensible person. My best wishes to you!