It's Not Enough

People have always told me that being pretty is overrated. That pretty doesn't pay the bills. That pretty doesn't help once you get older. But it seems that every time I start believing that, my weight or my face reminds me that while not being pretty may not be the end of the world, it certainly sucks when you're not.

I don't really have a whole, "I know what my boyfriend says, but I feel that blah blah blah" story. There's not really anyone in my life to tell me anything like that. It seems I'm always the one stuck telling everybody they're gorgeous, and while it may be selfish, it hurts that no one ever thinks to say it back. And a large part of me attributes that to the fact that if they did, they might be lying. I thought that maybe if I wore make-up, people might think differently. And for awhile it seemed to work. Then, when I went back to not wearing it, people sort of... wrinkled their noses and asked me why I stopped. It wasn't the make-up that made me pretty, it was the shock factor.

And gods, do I ever sound like a whiny child when I try to tell other people this. It's just... I don't know how to properly describe the type of sadness that comes with not being seen as attractive to someone who just doesn't feel that way. What have I got left to me? A clever brain on my shoulders? That very intelligence is what clues me in to what's going on around me, to other people's reactions. I don't have intelligence going for me. It always seems that the smarter a person is, the more self-conscious they are, because they're smart enough to see their own faults. So what can someone say to appease this oppressive weight on my chest?

I never saw myself as a weak person, or a depressed person, but the more I think about it, the more I realize I must be. Because strong people don't cry themselves to sleep over something so materialistic as their aesthetic appeal. Genuinely happy people don't wonder just how many people think they're ugly and are too polite to say it.

I do have my moments. Where a camera angle catches me just right, and I look pretty good. But I don't have that angle on me at all times. I can't tape a picture to my face and show everybody how good I can look with the right amount of divine intervention. And you know what? I have no clue where I'm going with this, or why I'm typing out my woes to post on the Internet, full of strangers and trolls.

But it's gotten to that point. I have direction in the sense that I know what I want to do with my life. But I'm completely lost when it comes to how to pull myself up and say, "Maybe I'm not so bad after all." There will always be a part of me thinking that I'm unattractive, because I don't know how not to. I just get so tired of people's hesitant attempts to soothe me, because they know there's nothing they can really say. I'm trying to deal with the hand nature dealt me, but sometimes it's just not enough.

Sometimes, intelligence or humor is enough to pull me through. There are times when I forget that I don't feel pretty. But there are times like these where the only thing that will listen to me is my ceiling fan, and trying to see through the darkness and emotions only makes everything hurt worse. I know I'm a good person with a good life. But how can I get over feeling unattractive?

How can I make 'good person with a good life' good enough to stop agonizing over my looks?
ArtistryPlatypus ArtistryPlatypus
1 Response May 6, 2012

being pretty does get you ahead in life if your ugly like me it's harder!