Give Me A Chance

between the ages of 11 and 13 i had terrible experiences. it was because i was small, quiet, and scrawny. my childhood dream was to play pro football and take care of my mom and sister. i am 38 years of age now and my life has been worse than terrible. what happened was simple, but emotionally and mentally painful. i got picked on ad beat up a lot. why? because i wasn't like them. i can recall the final blow that caused my dreams, aspirations, and life to live as a normal human being was taken away from me. this caused so much internal hopelessness and much hate, all i wanted to do is not wake up anymore.  and because of this tragic event i was not able to finish college, hold down a job, keep relations, or stay healthy. the fear and anxiety of someone wanting to hurt me just because they wanted to put me in a state of alcohol, drugs, and endless thoughts of suicide. sad part of all this is that i deeply didn't know something was wrong with me until i was 31 years of age. a sincere friend told me that she thought and witnessed strange behaviors from me. so i went to my doctor, he evaluated me, and referred me to a mental specialist. i had been carrying manic depression for over 20 years. since then i have been doing a little better with coping, accepting and understanding the disease and my past. bits and pieces have been coming back to memory from my past. my doctor said i suffered from severe memory loss due to the many concussions that were taken upon me because of bullies, bullies, bullies. in my mid twenties i had a little inkling that something was wrong with me because i could not concentrate, focus, stabilize myself, and stop thinking about dying, went to my mother and sister, they ignored me and said i was having bad luck. how it has effected me today is i am trying to get out of debt, because i became financially irresponsible, trying to establish a good job, but employers DON'T UNDERSTAND MY PAST and don't care because of my past of struggling to hold a job down. i am a GOD believer, and just believing in God, praying, writing poetry or whatever is bothering me, and keeping to myself ha helped me gain sanity, positive attitude, and hope of a normal life.  thanks for understanding. i will keep in touch.     

hibernation hibernation
36-40, M
Feb 10, 2010