I Don't Think Anyone Knows....

I put on a front all the time but I do wonder if sometimes people can see it in my face or eyes at times. I come into contact with a lot of older co workers in their late thirties and early forties as I look after their kids in my daycare and because they are older, I do wonder if they are less easy to fool.
I feel pretty close to two of them as they make time for me. Like they will come and sit beside me and ask how I am and sometimes I just get the urge to burst into tears when they ask. If I did they would think me mad. How can I even begin to explain my hurt and anxieties? I wouldn't know where to begin. And I wouldn't want them to know I am 25, still live at home, am single, have no friends and little of a social life (unless you count going to exercise classes alone or going out with family). I am sure they would see me differently.
Sometimes I can be a bit down when I am around them but I think they assume I just tired or a bit stressed out as working with children is of course stressful. I would love to tell them what's really going on and to tell them that because of all that is going on in my life, I feel lazy, messed up in the head, worthless and that everyday I feel like a loser and a freak. I wonder if they would be surprised to hear that or if they are half expecting it. Sometimes I feel like I am a fizzy drink can who is about to open and fizz up with all these tears and horrible emotions which will just flood out and I worry I won't be able to control it.
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2 Responses Jun 11, 2011

I want to give you advice but i have the same exact problem ....<br />
i think people close to me know that i am hurt but they think it's a phase....<br />
i'm building up depression here like crazy... afraid it will all burst out one day...<br />
i'm getting tired of faking my smile and faking my honesty...

You may want to seek therapy. Sounds like you are suffering from anxiety for sure. Something is keeping you from going out and being social - that sounds like what you really want.