I Don't Think Anyone Knows....I put on a front all the time but I do wonder if sometimes people can see it in my face or eyes at times. I come into contact with a lot of older co workers in their late thirties and early forties as I look after their kids in my daycare and because they are older, I do wonder if they are less easy to fool.
I feel pretty close to two of them as they make time for me. Like they will come and sit beside me and ask how I am and sometimes I just get the urge to burst into tears when they ask. If I did they would think me mad. How can I even begin to explain my hurt and anxieties? I wouldn't know where to begin. And I wouldn't want them to know I am 25, still live at home, am single, have no friends and little of a social life (unless you count going to exercise classes alone or going out with family). I am sure they would see me differently.
Sometimes I can be a bit down when I am around them but I think they assume I just tired or a bit stressed out as working with children is of course stressful. I would love to tell them what's really going on and to tell them that because of all that is going on in my life, I feel lazy, messed up in the head, worthless and that everyday I feel like a loser and a freak. I wonder if they would be surprised to hear that or if they are half expecting it. Sometimes I feel like I am a fizzy drink can who is about to open and fizz up with all these tears and horrible emotions which will just flood out and I worry I won't be able to control it.