I Hide My Feelings Because I Don't Want To Feel Selfish

I'm not going to sit here and try to blame my mom for this, we actually had a very good and normal relationship.

One of my worst insecurities is being selfish. I try to avoid this at all costs. I do think one of the reasons this may have been instilled was because my mother would just always tell me "you're selfish" constantly. Even about the smallest things. Eating a little too much food, being a minute too late, not carrying enough groceries, dressing to glamorously, taking a little too long in the bathroom, if i didn't think to offer my friend the window seat in the car, pretty much everything now that I think about it. 

Actually I have to thank her, she made me into one of the most considerate and generous people you'd ever meet! I think about EVERYTHING, I am constantly analyzing all  my actions, making sure I am putting others before myself and being considerate. I never want to be selfish or inconsiderate to the people i care about. 

There were times though that this got out of hand. I would literally live for other people. A lot of people thought of me as a saint for this, they cherished their friendship with me. Others took advantage of this. I lent a lot of money I never got back, I sacrificed a lot of time and efforts for people that just kept taking and taking. I don't have a right to complain, and i'm not trying to. I felt good about myself afterwards, I felt morally sound. I felt like a good person. I would go as far as asking myself if that was a selfish objective.. That's when things would get torturous...

I feel like everything I do is selfish. I can always think of a reason why saying "Yes" to a friend in need can be looked at as selfish. Then I feel bad about myself. I am not a manipulator. I go out of my way to be honest with people and make sure that I am careful with their feelings. But when I help a friend I ask "Why am i doing this?" and if I think about it and realize "It's because I want to become closer to her, i care about her." Is that selfish reasoning? In the end I am sort of doing it for myself in a way.. right?

A good friend said to me "If you're constantly wondering about these things and feeling miserably guilty about them, you can't be selfish. You are trying really hard to make sure you are being genuine and kind to the people you care about. That isn't selfish in my book."

But I don't know. I feel guilty constantly. It is sort of hard to deal with. 

I feel like it is sort of righteous to feel guilt sometimes, because at times when i actually was acting selfish, I didn't feel guilt. Maybe that is the key to being able to tell whether it's genuine or not? 

I don't know, I haven't thought of this too in depth. I try to ignore it to an extent. 
If you have any insight i'd love to hear it =)

babygirlxox babygirlxox
18-21, F
1 Response May 21, 2012

Sometimes being selfish is good. It's nice that you help others so much and you shouldn't change that. Sometimes though, it's better to think about yourself, I was kinda like you once, the nice guy who helped everyone. They misused me every time and now I'm thinking more about myself but I'm not being selfish.<br />
<br />
Selfish means you ONLY care about yourself, you NEVER share, you ABSOLUTELY NEVER care about others Etc. You are none of these things, trust me, you are in NO WAY selfish. However, being a little selfish is good. It's your life after all.

Thanks for your insight =)
I agree, i've been learning to do nice things for myself and to try to keep a good balance of helping others but also making sure I help myself. I feel a lot more at peace this way!

Exactly, there is peace in balance. If you want to talk a bit more about it, feel free to send me a message or something. I've kinda gone through the same thing so I might be able to guide you a bit.