He Really Has No Idea.

I have always been a very loving, devoted wife to my husband. We were married in 1999. In 2008, I encouraged him to chase his dream to be a cop. He succeeded and we were transferred 5000 km's away from our family and friends. I became severely depressed at leaving my family and friends, but didn't tell him because I didn't want him to quit his job. Anyway, because of my depression, we drifted apart. I tried a couple of times to tell him how I felt and how bad it was for me, but he'd just yell at me. So I suffered. Last year, my father killed himself and it devastated me again. I could not function. I loved him dearly. He was an alcoholic and couldn't deal with not being able to fight the addiction. He shot himself in the stomach and laid there, dying alone. My husband, who laid right beside me as I got the call telling me my dad was dead, did not even hug me. I flew home alone for the funeral. When I came back, I couldn't function in the every day stuff. Two months later, I found out that my husband had been cheating on me for about 6 months. Because of my love for him, and to try and save our family (we have two boys together), I decided to forgive him and try again. Unfortunately for me, I allowed myself to be walked on over and over and over. This past September 2012, was the last time I caught him. There were 7 times before that. This is how much I loved him and wanted to save our family.

Now we are going through marriage counseling, but I really don't feel like I have anything left for him. The trust was out the window a long time ago, and all of the hurt he has caused me has left me feeling nothing romantically for him. I promised to do 6 sessions with him to see if there was anything left to save, but I honestly don't think there is. He is trying to hang on to me now that he knows he has likely lost me. You would not believe the emails I've read between the two of them over the past 2 years. So much hurt :(

And so my decision to walk away from him means a lot more than just losing him. It means my boys will be hurt, it means I become a single parent, for the most part. It means I will no longer be able to go home to visit because we usually stayed at his parents house. I am allergic to pets and can't stay with my family or friends. I will also probably lose his family because they will take his side. I will lose my financial security. I will be alone. He has absolutely NO idea how much he has hurt me.

He tells me his reasons for straying were because I was so distant because of the depression. I told him that I had no one here and needed him more than anything, but he abandoned me. I think I'm done with him. I gave him everything. And it wasn't enough.

What would all of you do?
Nolangela Nolangela
31-35, F
2 Responses Dec 9, 2012

Honestly, dear - I love my wife madly, and she drives me crazy through neglect and showing signs of being astray, but I've found other things such as tramp-talking with her work chum, who is female - and they encourage each other to run around and mess around with guys a lot. But as far as I've been able to tell it's just talk. And she' addicted to ****.
If I ever caught her actually cheating on me, meeting with another man intimately in any way, even a date... I would have nothing more to say. As much as I love her, infidelity has always been my very worst fear in life as an adult. I would never do it, and I would never tolerate it. I would have been out of her life the minute I found out, never to return.
So, I'm sorry - I would never have tolerated someone as much as you have already. I have no advice for you, other than this person is a waste of your precious time, and is draining you to nothing, and I don't understand why you're even willing to give him a second chance, much less a 9th.

He can make all the excuses he wants...when times got tough he turned away from the marriage instead of towards it as she should have. It's a tough decision but you can only take so much before you have to throw in the towel and by the way he did that already when he cheated so don't feel guilty if you feel you have to walk away. In the end though we can give all the advice we want but it will be you that will have to live with those decisions. I know these things are difficult. I am dealing with my own issues at the moment and I take it a day at a time. I hope that you find the strength to do what is best for you and your boys.