Protecting MeI can no longer tell when someone is being genuine or sincere as opposed to being critical or judgmental. Maybe I never could. Sure, if the criticism or judgment is obvious, I know to keep my distance but when it is covered or disguised, I can't tell what's real. Now, I keep everyone at a distance. I have learned that those who I thought were real friends were driving and forcing knives deeper than any enemy could because I would guard my back from my enemy but my friends, I would allow comfort, at times. In this time of comfort, friends were taking advantage. Times that I was being vulnerable or open, friends were using this opportunity to hold on to things I expressed so one day, they could use my words against me or spread my thoughts and feelings with others.
Betrayal hurts! It hurts to know those you've once trusted could be so cruel and it hurts to know or feel you could never trust another. I don't want to ever feel the betrayal again, therefore I have placed a wall, thicker than the present wall, around me. This wall cannot be torn down, climbed over, crawled under or seen through. I have to protect me and my heart because I can only take so much.
I often feel that I am the mother of my heart. No one would care for it the way I would. I have to protect it from all hurt, harm and danger. I will not let it wander again. Too many times it wandered and returned beaten, battered and bruised.
One day, I hope my heart will mend, but as for now, it's under lock and key.