To Trust Another Is To Betray Thyself?

 I just don't trust anyone. I can't, it tears me up. I can't trust someone's love I can't trust interest, I can't trust anything, especially anyone to stick by me the more they get to know me. People never expect my personality to my appearance, they never expect what comes out of my mouth or the strange things that I do. My mistrust has ruined relationships with even my best friends. I don't trust people to continue caring about me, I don't trust people to want to be with me when it counts. I don't trust people to be there when it counts...

So I made a best friend last year, moved to a new place again and we end up being friends. We became closer, we became best friends and I began sharing stuff about myself as did she and we began spending a lot of time together. I also started having nightmares. One day I was frustrated and just wanted to trust her with something so I did and that night I had a really unpleasant dream where my trust was completely betrayed in the worst way... I was raped when I let myself be vulnerable and leaned on someone for support. I felt that I could trust them in the dream, the feelings were so strong and the next thing that happened I was waking up naked with my virginity ravaged and in a place where other girls had had the same thing happen... the guy really felt completely trustworthy, I thought I knew him well enough in my dream so I woke up stressed and angry and even more scared. Just repeatedly telling myself I couldn't trust anyone... Not even myself to know somebody, which had been helping me trust easier.

I'd decided when I was younger that I had to trust myself if nobody else. So when I was social the only way I could feel safe was to trust myself to know them. That way I wasn't trusting them, i would be trusting myself to know how they would react in certain situations and prepare for it or avoid it. But this dream's intensity and vividness on that exact feeling caused so much trouble. And it continued to haunt my dreams.

When I get close to somebody, and feel the pressure to trust... my anxiety worsens, my insomnia starts up again and I fall into another depressive state. I push people away because of this. It's such a strong emotion, it's like instinct for me. It feels like survival.

imustbecrazy imustbecrazy
18-21
1 Response Feb 18, 2010

Thankyou for replying! (: <br />
Yeah I know. I understand why and what's going on, I understand how to help and change and work on it. And I am going to professional help soon. <br />
It's not that I want to be this way. i don't expect people to hurt me... if it was that thought out then maybe yeah.. but like I said it just becomes instinct sometimes.