I Have Lost All Faith In My Husband

my husband had an emotional affair almost 2 years ago and i still wont let myself trust him.  I have sacrificed my whole life for him and my kids and i have let him cut me down so small.  I just want to be happy now and find happiness.  i dont know if i could ever be happy with him after how much he hurt me.  I was sick with post partem depression/depression when he did what he did and i think the timing just literally killed me inside.  I hate that he goes to work at the same place eevryday and i can't stop picturing "things"  in my head.  Ive finally realized that i cannot let him bring me down anymore.  My happiness should not depend on him.  I've also realized that whether he cheats again has no bearing on the person i am and i need to stand up for myself and be a better person.  I'm just afraid that i'll stay because im a stay at home mom and i don't have options.  I want happiness, he says i'll never be happy but he doesn't get that its him that causes my pain.  I could be happy and i want to.  I just need support and i have none at this time.. I stay home with no friends, little family, no car, and i feel trapped.  I know there are no easy answers and this will take a while.  I told my husband today i need space from him to decide what makes me happy and what i need and he honestly doesn't care.  It kinda hurts but i don't know what to do anymore.  If anyone reads this and has some advice i would love that

jenyonly jenyonly
26-30, F
8 Responses May 14, 2009

I was there one day, with a cheating husband, trapped at home with three children, no car, no education, no friends nor family around for support. I was all alone and lost all trust I had in him... He would tell me he loved me and that he would change, that he would be honest, I believed him. But he kept breaking my heart with cheating and ****. I used all that pain and loneliness to make me stronger and I promised myself I would find my path to freedom for the sake of the children. Once the kids were all school age, I went back to college and finished my degree; best thing I did! It was tough, I cried many nights feeling guilty for having to study all the time, but I knew I had to this for me and the kids. I got a few jobs after graduation but today I have a job I am proud of and that can support my family financially. I overcame this barrier and though I am still married to the same man who hurt me and abused me psychologically for fifteen years, he knows that one wrong move now and I will leave him. I still have to overcome the next step to freedom: courage to stand up for myself and happiness. Last year I met someone special and took the opportunity to be happy with someone new. We hid this relationship from everyone; he new I was still married. But he still accepted me and the idea of having step children. He was so kind to me, would listen to me and was brutally honest, which I thought was his best quality! But once I told my husband that I had fallen in love with someone else, he became an animal. He became physically violent, began drinking, and I became afraid to think of his behavior when I left the kids alone with him. Sadly to say, I was so afraid of my husband that I chose to break my happy relationship to keep my family "safe". Today, I still struggle with my husband. We have laid many cards on the table and have talked about all the pain we both felt. We try to keep a civil relationship; we even have taken steps to find love with each other again. I admit that a day like today I wish I wasn't afraid to go after what I want. I miss him, the man who gave me hope for happiness again, but he is long gone now. I don't know that I will ever trust in my husband again or open up myself. I feel guarded all the time... I hope and wish for you strength and courage to stand up for yourself in this new year to come. I wish myself the same. Best wishes to you who are not alone :-)

The same thing happened to me but my husband acted on it. He put me down which literally destroyed my self esteem. The fact that he is making you feel bad for his infidelities is wrong. You are strong and I feel if that trust is the foundation of every relationship. Once that is broken it can really never be repaired. Ultimately only you know what you can handle but I too was a stay at home wife and I'm not going to lie it was a struggle. But I would rather be alone then be worried, jealous, unhappy, in pain and sad all the time. It has taken a long time to get back to me. It has been a long road. But now when I come home I'm happy to be there. When I wake up I am relaxed and calm. As they say... This to shall pass.

I am so sorry to read your past. As most anyone else, I have had the same experience with my husband. It actually happened 4 years ago but I only found the mails recently while we were both going through our old ones on his pc. Anyone whom thinks this is not cheating is very wrong. My husband was even aware of this and it showed the moment we found the pictures and mails. He never ended it but she did as they were about to meet. He did not think of me and would have left me for her while I was doing the same as anyone else here-working hard for the both of us and worrying about him while having to be separated some months on and off for a year. He was ashamed to tell me all this and has done everything to try to make it up. He does love me and it's deeper now, admittedly but this hurts like nothing I could imagine. I can feel helpless and furious while I watch him hurting because now it makes a difference to him. Everything in our relationship feels like it was all a lie and I don't trust anything now. It has been several months and we are working to rebuild but it is still very hard. Some times I can think of a wonderful moment I loved him and it hits me that in that moment he had been intimate in letters and words or sending pictures that were supposed to have been taken only for me and feel like someone punched me. It takes a lot of time and I am still struggling. I think it can also depend on the response of your husband as well in how you have been hurt and how he is supporting you. One thing that makes me so furious is how I hear so many stories of how women are the ones having to forgive all these times men just can't commit to one woman they are supposed to love and care so little about how they hurt another person. Something I will never understand. You have all my empathy in this, I am truly sorry for the hurt I know you feel.

Jettys you wouldn't know what it is if you've never experienced it, emotional cheating is like dating with out the sex, IT'S STILL CHEATING!

I have been in the same situation my husband did the same thing right after I had a baby, I was a military wife and had nothing! Because I didn't work I had to start from scratch, it was the most difficult thing to do but we all have to start somewhere. Take baby steps, get a part time and save some money that he can't have access to. I know it seems like you have no options but you are wrong, it's never too late to better yourself!

Anything that your "better half" has to lie about my husband and I both agree, is cheating. If you have to say you were stuck in traffic because you had coffee with a friend of the opposite sex its cheating. Now if you call and invite your partner (some couples get into that lol) I think thats a little different. I am having trust issues with my husband and its a terrible feeling. What helps me is remembering that God is always with us wanting us to succeed, love and do well in life. God is not setting us up to be betrayed and hurt. Just try to have faith in your partner and in God and you will feel a lot better. You are good and deserve a good person to live your life with, and if your partner is doing you wrong you never know an even better person might be right around the corner. Start doing you and quit focusing on him any normal person would lose there mind like that. For the woman who has no car and no friends its up to you to change your life, reach out to people, start a hobby, volunteer if you do one good deed a day your happiness will change. Its tax time girl!!! Go get a car maybe not a mercedes but a car to get you around or walk get in touch w nature and get exercise at the same time. You will be okay sounds like you just need to get out of that rut your in, take it one day at a time. good luck

You are wrong if you think that an Emotional Affair is not an affair. some times an emotionl affair is worse than one involving sex. Sex is sex for men. An Emotional Affair is a whole lot more. <br />
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My Husband was working away and i was home working and raising our two children. He started talking to this girl that he met through an online game, one thing led to another and the girl ended faling in love with my husband. He says that he never felt the same way about her,but you don't have a relationship with someone, who you share everyghing with for over year)things you don't share with your wife) and not have an emotional attachment to this person. They had never met in person but he would talk to her everyday. When he came home for his down time I was so worried about him thinking that there was something wrong with him, i would take him to the Dr. try talking to but he would always say there is noting wrong, but i knew different. He declined going on a family vacation with us on his down time saying he just needed to rest. I found out about it because the female in questions taged herself in a pic of herself, and i came to me because i was on my husbands email list. She had sent it to the wrong email and so i got it. When i checked his email i found about the affair they had never met in person but beleive me they had an affair, and for me the betrayel was worse than if he had gone out and had sex with someone he didn't know.<br />
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There is such a thing as Post Tramatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and people can suffer from it from emotional trauma, I know, I do. My husband is a Narcissist and 8 years ago he had an affair. It haunts my every thought 24/7, he has no idea the emotional trauma he has caused. Everything I see, every song I hear, every person I pass, every scent I smell, in some way stirs up my PTSD. It has affected every aspect of my life, but my children are the true victims cause they no longer have the mother they had 8 years ago.<br />
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I copied the below article from a website months ago to try to get my husband to understand that PTSD is not just something war veterans have, but of course, since he is a Narcissist, he doens't care, I cant recall the name of the website but I googled "PTSD, Affairs", or something like that, so read the article, maybe it will help, show it to your therapist:<br />
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A Link between Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome & Affair Recovery.<br />
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A counsellor invited a "betrayed" woman to ask herself the question: " And what is the purpose of this?" when thoughts went round in her head. This post is an effort to explain what the purpose USUALLY is, at least in the beginning of recovery. This is (I believe) one of the most misunderstood aspects of affair recovery, by professionals as well as those who live it. <br />
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What becomes increasingly apparent to counsellors and therapists working with couples recovering from an affair is the similarities with Post Traumatic Stress. And, when you think about it, it isn't hard to see why! When we discover that the person who we are closest to in the whole world has betrayed us in such a way, it is a HUGE TRAUMA! What the betrayed goes through in the early stages is the same as a "victim" of any trauma. Flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, obsessional thoughts, mood swings, sleep disturbances, disturbances in eating and other bodily functions, and the list goes on. <br />
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And what we need to recover our "sanity" is the same process too. We need to make sense of our experiences. We need to understand all the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle. This ISN'T part of our craziness, it is part of our healing! One way we do that is to tell the story over and over again. You need to understand how NORMAL this is, and how healing. If you've been a victim of violent crime, you need to tell the story over and over again. A victim of war, in a car accident, BETRAYED, whatever the trauma, we need to re-tell the story, until it losses the power to cause us pain. And we need to gather all the information together, all those small pieces of the jigsaw puzzle, so that we can start to make sense of it all. IT IS ONLY WHEN WE MAKE SENSE OF IT THAT WE CAN STORE IT IN THE RIGHT PART OF OUR BRAIN. Once we can do that, those intrusive thoughts stop and we stop obsessing. <br />
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I'm not talkng about some fanciful "psychological" argument here. I am talking about NEUROLOGY. What actually happens in our brain. Normal (un-traumatic memories, like what you had for breakfast this morning!) get filed away. We haven't "forgotten" stuff, we've just filed it, so we CAN retrieve those memories if we get asked a question later. Or just because we CHOOSE to think about something. But, traumatic memories don't get filed like that. Due to the high levels of hormones (you know, adrenaline and stuff), the normal function of the brain gets interfered with, and instead of being filed away, they free float, that's why they keep getting in the way. You're driving down the road and suddenly you get slammed by some thoughts. You're trying to get to sleep, and suddenly there you go thinking stuff agan! You're asleep, and bang, a horrible nightmare interrupts it! We go over and over the "facts" and try to make sense of what happened. And we are doing that so we can file them.