Why Should I Trust Her After Everything?

I grew up as the yougest of 5 children from the "poor" family in the rich town. As long as I can remember my parents fought constantly. I remember before entering kindergarten my mother sitting me and my siblings down to ask "who we would rather live with?" Though they fought all the time, they stayed together until my fathers death almost 10 years ago. I think everyone thought once he was gone, things would get better. We are all adults at this point and if anything it has gotten much worse, and I seem to be the target now. My father hated me in life and made no illusions about it! his last words to me were " Get him away from me! hes an *******! Yet, none of my other siblings were there in his last days to care for him as I had. I'm not going to pretend I was a saint growing up, far from it! But, My family dynamics didnt help in the least. Yes, I did drugs growing up! nothing to serious for too long, but, i did! Primarily smoking weed. This is something my mother has never allowed me to live down, and subsequently, My mother sees that as an excuse for my perpetual reason of guilt in any instance! For years I told my mother my siblings play no role in my life, and was disregarded, and told that it was my fault, and my responsibility to fix it by taking the intiative to have a relationship. That turned into yet another one way relationship with my siblings. I have been through very difficult times only to find no one from my family was there. When I asked my oldest brother for help after losing a job, he looked at me and said "Well, I assume everything is fine with you!" When I told him it wasn't, and I was facing difficult times (I was fired from my job because I was doing my bosses work for him, our boss found out, and my boss fired me before I was promoted above him! They strung me along for almost five years to get my pay! And, made it near impossible to find other suitable employment! ) he reiterated "well, I ASSUME it is!" with a smirk! My other brother, First got me a job waitering through a friend that resulted in me working for free for 2 weeks, then, years later got me a job with his other friend, unfortunately, his friend thought it was funny to talk about my family in a disparaging manner, and bring up embarrassing issues in front of co-workers (asking me if my gay brother gave good head? Did he pitch or receive, was he the girl or the dude?, why is my sister such a frigid witch? Did i know my brother got genital herpes from some girl in high school? that he had sex with prostitutes when he went on vacations? YEAH!!!!!  ). When I realized i needed to leave, his friend told people i didnt work there anymore when they called for a reference. It got so bad that i would drive half an hour only to be told i wasnt needed that day!  I fell into such financial hardship that I could not take my sick dog to the vet, and most likely contributed to his death! He was the most important thing in my life, and once again, my family was NOT there! Again, My mother felt no need to say anything in either instance to my brother in my defense, or on my behalf.She once again ASSUMED I had done something wrong, and probably deserved it!! Needless to say I haven't spoke to that brother in 4 years!  My sister is no different! She got me a job working for her friend at horse shows. After spending all the money i earned working for her friend in a hospital because chigger bites, I received a 1099 form for the work done a couple months later! This was due in part to my sister asking my mom for my SS#!! And, my mother giving it to her!! So, once again, my families helping wasn't!! I have been told by my mother numerous times that i should be there for my family when and if they need me, but it certainly doesn't go both ways! I work in the construction field, and my oldest brother questioned my knowing how to put a screw in a wall in front of my mother, and she didnt bat an eye! He couldn't hit a railroad spike with a ballpien hammer, but he can question something i do for a living??? REALLY?!?! At this point in my life all 4 of my siblings are established in life and making VERY decent livings, while i am left to work for people who dont pay me, underpay me, or otherwise are unreliable employers! I am struggling to survive, and the greatest concern is a nice christmas for my nieces!! And, again, the help i get is a bag of old shirts from my brother! It would seem my mother doesnt want to ruffle her golden geese  on my behalf! Why rock the boat? its not HER problem, Right?? When i bring up things my brothers have done in the past she is quick to say she doesnt remember! When I say you know now, what do you intend to do, she tells me she doesnt need to explain her actions to me! When my brothers wife was hospitalized i was told by my mother it was my responsibility as family to be there to watch his kids. Yet, he feels no obligation to help me in hard times! Honestly, they play no role whatsoever in my life at this point, and she feels no need to do anything to change that! My brother lives less than 5 minutes away from me, but he couldn't call me back for 4 hours when I needed a jumpstart! But, when he wanted the king sized bed fram from costco who do you think was there to help! Why would it be her responsibility, because she is the person who supposedly instilled morals in these people? And, she  supposedly taught them to look out for their family? I think she is a spineless coward for not speaking up for me when she has defended all the others against me! , and i have no respect for the way she allows her family to treat each other! She doesnt even veil her blatant favoritism for my only married brothers family!! It is shameful that a parent could be so indifferent, and is likely the reason i never want to have children! I think she is twisted, and in deep denial that she has been one of the main contributors to the situation at hand! That being her family is severely screwed up!! In addition, its not just me! When My sister in-law competely snubbed my sister in the wedding party my mother once again thought nothing of it! That is likely the reason my sister is estranged as well! !
Both of my parents grew up wealthy, and wanting for very little. what they gave to their children was pathetic, and unabashedly why i see them both as failures to their children!! I think it is far worse to come from affluence and give your children little if anything, then it is to come from nothing and spoil the hell out of your children. In addition, to stay in a town where your children are looked down on to maintain your own positive appearance is selfish and juvenile!! Growing up my mother would recount stories of all the amazing things she had growing up, and the nice things her parents did for her, but thinks nothing of the lack of that in her own childrens lives!! I figure it is the least she can do, and she sees it as far more than she is willing to do!! That is why at this point I can not trust my mother in the least! she has destroyed my trust, and, I believe she is hoping for senility before she has to actually address the mess she has made! Yet another spoiled brat who cant be bothered to do the right thing!! It is sad, but, people i have spoken to suggest cutting ties if my family is so toxic! I waited 30 years for my father to get his act straight, and he never did! I dont plan on waiting in vain anymore! If my mother chooses to do nothing, she must face the consequences, My choice to have no part in her screwed up family anymore! Just because someone gave birth to you doesn't mean they are a good parent! And, your childrens survival in spite of your terrible parenting is nothing to be proud of!
Tbrande Tbrande
1 Response May 25, 2012

Could you move far away from your family and start over again where no one knows you? A fresh start with people who won't bring you down. You could make friends who you could unofficially adopt as family. Your family seems toxic and doesn't seem like they will change any time soon. Strangers would treat you better, and they wouldn't have toxic preconceived and untrue assumptions about you. Sometimes it's like banging your head against a wall with a toxic family, the more you try to reach out and make things work, the more you get shut down. Things didn't change in your family after your dad passed and your family still seems set in their ways. Wishing you the best in whatever you decide.