Rantings

I don't think I really had this problem until my parents got divorced. I didn't want to tell people the whole other horrible side of my dad, how my parents would constantly bad mouth each other, etc. It was especially embarrassing for me that my dad cheated on my mom. I told very few people. As I got older, I felt thwarted when trying to open up the hardest parts of myself to my friends. They acted like they didn't want to hear it and could not understand my point of view. So I stopped sharing. And for that reason I have very few CLOSE friends. Only a few people know almost everything about me. Most people don't know I don't talk to my dad, that I my sister's boyfriend is the scum of the earth, etc. I don't want them to use it against me. Which people have. I hate it when they can't understand. No, I can't just "talk to my dad about it." Why can't they understand he won't listen. For these reasons it's also hard for me to let people go. Once they gain my trust, I feel so vulnerable. If they leave my life I feel broken. I act like nothing is wrong because that is what my "friends" like. But my close friends, they see me for every side, angle, view. I've lost many friends and boyfriends because I wouldn't open up to them. It's so hard to, though. How will I know they won't tell other people? HOw will I know they won't use it to hurt me? Why can't they just be patient? Every year it gets harder and harder to trust people because I get burned by the people I misjudge. I think they are great, but they prove me wrong. And I hate regretting what I've shared with them. It's one of the worst feelings. Especially when they share them with others. Then they can just go to hell

yisrael yisrael
18-21, F
1 Response Feb 14, 2009

That's EXACTLY how I feel! I've lost a lot of friends too, mostly from betrayal. I just wish that people were mature enough to keep each others secrets. I guess I'm too intense for most of the people in my age group. I'm usually friends with older people