Dont Buy Into Fairytales

"Having it all" is an illusion, a fairytale. Humans, by nature are too complex to feel content in every aspect of there life all the time. Just because the other half of a relationship thinks everything is going great, doesn't mean it is. There are some things we internalize that do not go away. Also, it is a fact that temptation is everywhere. It is also a fact that no single person can COMPLETELY fill our needs. This is why we have friends, family, acquantances, and co-workers to fill different parts of us. Humans are animals, and therefore I believe it is unnatural to remain monogamus. I should also clarify that love and sex are 2 different things. Just because someone gets cheated on doesn't mean that they are not loved, or that another person is better.
starlesscatharsis starlesscatharsis
31-35, F
6 Responses Dec 12, 2012

i'm sorry, but if a person enters into a relationship making clear that the expectation is to have sex and romantic love with only one partner, than a person who cannot or will not honor that mutual decision is a lying sack of **** and should never have agreed to it in the first place. people can be such whiney cowards sometimes - "i really love you but i'm going to lie and cheat because you feel so good (most of the time) and it would hurt too much if i didn't get to be with you (sometimes)." boo hoo. take some responsibility for your actions people! sorry, but there is the truth. we are animals, yes, but animals capable of making *choices* and capable of knowing that our actions may hurt people and have consequences. if you need someone else to fill your needs, you talk to your wife/husband/gf/bf about it, and they might just say "hey, i'm not really into that, but go and get it from somewhere else and be safe about it." that would be my reaction to my boyfriend since i would love to stay with him forever, and if it was something i couldn't handle then we weren't meant to be, period. i realize i may come off as being a troll, but i suppose i truly just believe that we, as humans, can do better and often *choose* not to. i don't judge alternative lifestyles, they actually make me curious and excited, i just think it's important to be honest with a partner - you can't have it all if you don't know what y'all have or are having already!

PS: i think that there is a huge importance in the act of *striving* for it all, even if we know it's unattainable :)

Love and sex are not two different things to me maybe you think they are but I disagree. My husband cheated on me and I left. Have some pride in yourself. When everyone else in town knows you are being cheated on why stay? That is just a sham of a marriage.

Love and sex can happen togather. Love and sex are different. One does not love a person they have a one night stand with. One may not have sex with someone they love, like an emotional affair.

Expecting to "have it all" and live a fairy tale is unrealistic. But I do believe 2 people can be married and stay happy if they work at it. I've been married for 8 1/2 years and during that time, my wife cheated 3 times. First was 2 years in via emails/ phone calls with an old flame who flew in to secretly visit when I left for a work trip. Second time was 2 years later, same guy. Phone calls, emails, but no solid proof of contact. Third time (3x a charm!) was revealed 2 weeks ago. A guy she met at the gym who was "just a friend" whenever I asked about him for months.
Each affair crushed me. Betrayal from the person you love and trust is soul-shattering. I remained faithful. It's not always easy, it's not always to the benefit of my own happiness, but weathering the storm through rocky and difficult times in a relationship provides emotional stability for a partner that can make them a stronger person.
Things have been dry in our relationship for a year or so. There's money issues, 2 young kids, my undiagnosed depression, awkward infrequent sex (with occasional periods of mind-blowing marathon sex!).
We were distant, but had talked about working on us. I respected her distance as personal space and kept to myself sometimes too. I didn't know she was getting her needs met outside the marriage. She destroyed everything.

If ones needs aren't being met, its only a matter of time before one will seek it out somewhere else. Conciously or not. If you do have depression, you might not realize how it impacts your wife. Dealing with someone deeply depressed is almost as bad as dealing with an alcoholic, or drug addict. I don't know if you have insurance, or what state you live in, but in Michigan there's plentiful free of charge resources to provide mental health care. Maybe its something you could look into.

Already ahead of you. On medication now and working to correct habits that kept me down. Unfortunately, it may be too late. She wants a separation and wants to be with the other man and we're in custody talks about the kids.

Its great that you took the initiative to get yourself the help you need. Eventhough it may be too late to salvage your relationship, doesn't mean that you don't have something better that lies ahead. Ultimately, if she is not happy it is not right of you to try to force her to be with ou.

I know I can't change her or make her love me. I'm just really pissed that she lied to me and didn't try to work on our problems. She made a selfish choice that's now going to affect the lives of our kids.

I understand that your pissed. I don't blame you. But it sounds as though you already expected on some level what was going on. Also, I would imagine that you guys have tried to work on things in the past. She must have got to the point where she figured nothing changed in the past and didn't want to bother anymore. You and your kids will adjust, and as time goes on your anger will subside.

good for you glad that you are not salvaging your relationship I don't know why guys forgive cheating wives. I feel it is a sign of weakness you can and will do better. Good luck.

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Or, in my case it's because I was a selfish bastard who cared not a whit for anyone's feelings except my own and because I'd never had much self esteem anyway, when one particular woman decided to pay me some unrequested attention, I got caught up in the glow of her affection and temporarily lost my mind.

In the process, I shattered the trust of the one person who ever really loved me, and because she wasn't strong enough to leave me, we're both left living a shell of life together.

I feel your pain. I totally understand living in that miserable shell. The man I spent 10 years with became like that. We had been togather since 19, and had kids togather. Both of us wanted out, wanted different experiences, and more than just sexual. At the same time, we felt obligated to stay togather, and wanted the happily ever after. Wanted to someday celebrate 50 years togather. But alas we both cheated on eachother many, many times. We broke up a few times, only to always get back togather. Probably because we were dependent on eachother, we did have the kids, and we did love eachother. But things got to a point that there was so much lack of trust, and so much resentment that even though we wanted redemption, it was out of reach. We barely spoke, sex life faded off, we avoided coming home. One day that shell cracked....fragile things do not stand the test of time.

I don't really believe in marriage. Its a great fairytale, equivalent with the knight in shining armor, happily ever after, and all, but I think its unrealistic for me.

are you married or ever have been ?

Never been married, but I might as well have been. My longest relationship was 10 years.

thats not bad,,10 years is like a marriage

Not really no vows or real commitment so no it is not marriage. Talk to someone who was married and divorced.