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I Want An Answer!

Most of the time, parents absolutely adore their children. Whether thay are planned or a surprise, makes no difference. The majority usually fall madly in love with their baby the instant they hold them in their arms and look into their eyes.

My daughter was not planned. I was not married at the time. Yet, nothing compared to the surge of emotion and love I felt the instant I knew I was carrying her. I don't know if it is different for men. They don't carry the child inside them for 9 months and give birth but I have seen such strong bonds between fathers and their children too. Being a parent, I know what it is like to have hopes and dreams for my daughter. I have carefully tried to mold her into a decent young lady who could make a difference in our cynical and unfair world someday. I do not expect her to be perfect or even want the same things I might want for her. She is an individual capable of making her own decisions and mistakes just like the rest of us. I can only guide her.

What I cannot fathom, is why parents disown their children. No matter what they have done to disappoint you....or mistakes they might have made....how can you turn your love off like a light switch?

If my daughter dropped out of college, committed a crime, told me she was gay, etc....I could not turn my back on her. How can I judge her? Who am I to say she is right or wrong? Even if our religion frowned upon her,...I could never walk away as if she never existed!

I have a very close and dear friend who was disowned by her father. She did not live up to his expectations. His pre-conceived idea of what HE WANTED her to be was not what SHE WANTED. He was disappointed and embarassed of her. Every year she sends a birthday card and every year it comes back with "Return To Sender."

My question for everyone out there in EP land is this.....

Do you believe in unconditional love?

*Any and all comments are appreciated

emptyheart emptyheart 41-45, F 51 Responses May 7, 2008

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I love my daughter deeply..sadly..she has had pure hate for me sonce the age of 5 or so... I was a single mom..without any support whatsoever ..times were very hard..working 3 jobs just to make it... She..now age 24..had to move back in with me after going through a divorce..i did all i could for her.. All who knows the details agree i went above and beyond.. She was with me 5 days... And we had 5 explosive arguments... Call me old and grumpy.. But i refuse to take her abuse any longer..nor could i let my 6 year old witness her behavior...i also found a diary where she wanted to kill me when i fell asleep...with a baseball bat...heartbroken..i turned to my husband... Who then kicked her out.. I have not spoken to her since.. I..i mean..we have not disowned her ..as she is telling everyone she has in fact disowned us... Yes she was going through a terrible time in her life.. But her feelings for me had never changed..no matter what i did for her... She is allowed to come back.. But she must not disrepect me..say cruel and hateful things..or kill me.. I suspect i will never see her again...

I was disowned by a parent for reasons I still do not know. My father is still a big part of my life but the last words I received from my mother, in a text message, were "have a nice life". I know that doesn't seem like much but to her, that is her way of saying "go **** yourself while you jump off a cliff". My grandmother and father say it is because she is jealous of my life. I graduated college, married the father of all my children, and function without government assistance. These are normal to most people but it is a far cry from the life my mother lives. I have made peace with her choice but I do not comprehend it. I love my children beyond words. I'm proud of the smart, unique, independent individuals they are becoming. I can't imagine disowning them for any reason.

How can you possibly judge someone else's decision about how they feel they need to separate from their adult child? This shows your ignorance about the world around you. I used to be you- judgemental and superior in my thinking. Karma bit me in the butt! I'm sure the same will happen to you.

You are being so harsh on someone who is trying to understand why parents would disown their children. You sound so bitter and judgmental so be careful what you say. Hope you can get some therapy for your anger within. Peace.

I don't agree with disowning either, I think it's wrong

Bro, I don't judge but in my personal opinion, I dislike disowning. I disown the thought of disowning, because it's practically throwing your child out and forcing them to deal with their own issues, it's just plain wrong. And don't assume that because I'm autistic I will be so gullible as to get on your side, I won't. My parents agree, disowning is wrong

All it took for me was standing up to my mother and her crazy selfish ways. Simply requeating that her and her sister not spread my personal business around town and threatening to seclude my son and myself from them if they didnt stop was enough for my mom to disown me.

Sept 2013 I expressed my distaste at a family gathering at behaviour enacted by my partners sister at a funeral. We had been together 12 years and I have been involved with the family, even considered them as family. This fight ended with my boyfriends Dad yelling personal insults about us individually and as a couple.
It was horrible and I felt responsible for bringing about this fight but it is now Feb 2015 and his Dad refuses to acknowledge our existence, hides in the study if we come over or leaves all together.
The worst part is my partner is an amazing person and son and yet his Dad, Mother, sister and brother in law continue to live this family life without him. They celebrate birthdays, go out to dinner, celebrate Christmas and so forth all without him... without us. If we are in the same state around these occasions there will be one with us and one "as a family". It breaks my heart that my caring, thoughtful partner is excluded from his family and his fathers childish behaviour is allowed because it is obviously easier.
Thankfully I and my family are always here for him. Even so I have encouraged him (and eventually us) to speak with a professional about it as I know the pain I feel but can't imagine how deep his must go.

My daughter has been arrested a few times for steeling n being the parent I've been sued n the one paying the fines.. What is my child learning from this? Now I'm handicapped tryn to fight for disability n my daughter cleaned out my bank account. Forcing me to lose my home. Yes I love her but No I do not want her in my life anymore!

Oh I believe in unconditional love, and I love my child unconditional, but at this moment..... I disown her and let me tell you why... It's not because she committed some crime or is gay. It's not even about her choosing to live different than me or what I would expect her to do abs live. It's about how she says she was raised and how she lies about what may have happened in the past. Just for some insight, it's not only I, her mother, who sees and knows how she has talked about her parents and how she was raised. She didn't have a hard childhood and she always has had food, shelter, money to do stuff with her friends, and more. All family's have their problems, but this girl tells everyone her parents stoled from her, she tells people she had to baby sit days upon days while her mother was chasing drugs. She says her mother is evil and her father is a puppet who does everything her mom tells him to do. Yet none of this is remotely true. What is true is, she is a mother herself who chooses to drive around all hours of the night with her child in the car to get drugs for her boyfriend. She drops the kid off at day care even if she doesn't have to work... Plus on and on.... I disown my child, I love her but I cannot watch her day after day put her child at risk, she works 1 day a week and doesn't look for any other work. She's a single mother who brings her baby to her new boyfriends house to get laid herself. I'm sick to my stomach....

Sounds like you are talking about my daughter.. The stories that person creates about me is sickening.. And untrue... I believe she is mentally ill.. But refuses that..saying im the who is ill..she is so abusive.. Makes me sick and horrifically sad... I hope your situation is better..

I found this post interesting as well. My parents disowned me about a year ago- I am in my thirties and very independant and self sufficient. I developed depression which embarrassed them and they started to blame every single diagreement on my mental illness. One of my parents is an addict and did something that I tried to cover for. The other found out but was convinced that everything was my fault because of my crazy condiction (I am fine now by the way- I got help and am in successful treatment). Now they are systemmatically alienating me from the rest of my family by telling everyone that I am mentally ill and they should not contact me right now. They told me never to contact them again and that they do not have a daughter. This seems very unfair to me because I (yes in a misguided way) tried to help my drug addict parent and have been vilified just so that they do not have to face their own issues.

I was always the golden daughter until I stupidly told them I was depressed and had sought treatment. Even before this blow up they were completely embarrassed over my mental health imperfection.

I do wonder what kind of person professes unconditional love for their children and then ditches them as soon as they are no longer an enhancement to their reputations.

I have finally disowned my parents after learning truth from a brother who messaged me about recent his fall out with the parents and having a brother in law who tried to run him over for speaking against his corrupt action. I have learned that some parents do baby farming for money. Not realising that my parent had a very hostile attitude to non biological foster kids and extort money out of them nor really care to see how they are doing after they move out. I was on the phone to my brother for a least 40 mins talking about this and parents way.

My Parents disowned my brother because he told them how he felt in sense of fake parents, taking on foster kids just for money. Love with this parent is not unconditional. I don't think I will sympathise for them to be honest, Karma will take them out soon or later. Before I decided to disown them I only saw them couple of times a year but had very hard times trying to be open with them.

I can understand where you coming from with Mental Illness, my brother is really is on many depressent drugs. My parents has stigmatised mental ill people.

When I learned about this was yesterday, and honestly it did not really surprise me at all.

My in laws disowned their eldest daughter when she moved 8 hours away with her toddler (that they felt they had raised) I am separated now from my husband and fear he will disown our child as he has told me a couple of times over the years that his parents do not really want to be involved in our childs life after what happened with their first grandchild and he is now living with them. Now big sis has repeatedly tried to reconcile with her parents but they have no interest. At my wedding they ignored her and her kids. I have Never understood them though i have tried to like them for the sake of my marriage. In my opinion they have cold dark hearts and are in capable of love - it is control they want. If they loved their grand child at all then why did they cut him, his brothers and their own child out of their life? I came across this article looking to see if this trait is hereditary.

<p>Parents who do this are very cruel. The poor kids do not ask to be born and dragged into a parentless world. My parents abandoned my brother and I when we were still infants. All my life I have longed to have had a loving family and I am sure I would have been a much better person if this had been the case. I am glad I was born gay, at least I will never make that mistake. There are a lot of men and women who should be sterilized.</p>

racist, religious followers(some) believe in doing so and theres also the possibility of them dealing with them as horrible adults cause there older and doing terrible things

These people at this particular church need to read the New Testament and practice what it preaches and follow the example of Jesus. They are true "nut jobs", and they may dress like christians, but the similarity ends there!

OK I fell for it. Ha ha the jokes on me. This so called church, is just pure fiction. But it does sound alot like the Westborough Baptist Church.

I really appreciated your post. I'm the 34 year old daughter of a father who has disowned me. While some days I move through the life I've created with ease, there are other moments wrought with pain, confusion, agony and insecurity. I commend you for your post...and hope that more people out there with children make a conscious effort to show their love each and every day, through any kind of storm.

No, I don't believe in unconditional love. Only God has that. Disowning happens a little at a time, when the person you love stabs people in the back too many times and you just can't take it any more. The worst thing is when that person continues to make poor decisions that hurt others you love. When the poor decision only affect that person, it is painful to watch them do that to themselves. But when if affects others, especially children, it crosses the line with me. Am I judging? Yes I am. Sometimes people need to get the consequences of their actions and maybe they will learn not to treat other people like that...

Mama, I totally agree with everything you are saying. Decisions my drug addicted daughter has made for herself, not only destroyed her, but the affects will last a lifetime.

This is probably not the circle for breaking down why (I'll use the word disown her) but I'm probably just short of hating her.

That sentence above, takes in a span of 20 years. As DMama states above -'When it affects children, it crosses the line'. In her case, it affected her 2 sons from 1 father and her daughter from another father. Not only the issues with the children but the stealing - hooking and thief over about 15 of those years, has all but wrecked my marriage and sucked out all the energy in my being.

I talk to her but never really say anything. I have a hard time looking at her. Only for the sake of her children do I tolerate even being in the same room as her.

Disown may be to mild of a word.

My daughters have basically disowned me. My younger daughter (14) will not even say hi when she sees me in a store. In a therapy session, she said that "she has no father" and she suffers from PTSD from experiences with me. I told her that I loved her from the moment that I saw her adoption photo. I have tried to love her with my entire heart but she became very distant from me. I did not want to push on her too hard but I tried to praise her independent work. My wife through me out of the home so we are in the process of a divorce. I begged for love and forgiveness but my wife said that I am the source of stress for everyone. I have been to therapy and anger management. I have never abused either of my daughters but I did yell too much at my older daughter because she would not do her homework. I did not yell everyday, week or month but it was bad when it occurred. I felt very close to my older daughter especially with helping her become a tennis champion.

I feel so alone, so much pain with rejection and isolation. Neither daughter will speak to me. They do not answer texts, do not wish me happy new year, and just want to be left alone. I provided for my family well with a fabulous lifestyle. I tried my best to love them but they have shut me out. I do not want to abandon them but my pain is almost unbearable at times especially now during the divorce process.

I do hear your pain and anguish. My parents abandoned my brother and I when we were infants. We were then put in various foster homes where I suffered sexual abuse. When I was 18 they discovered I was gay and kicked me out of home. I know what pain and loss is only too well. To this day I still feel the pain and hurt they inflicted. Only you know in your heart the pain you inflicted and perhaps only time may heal some of the hurt. All the best.

I am a single mother of a daughter who is now 20. I have worked hard all her life to provide and protect her. I read with my child, exposed her to the arts, supported her and tried to lead by example. 2 1/2 years ago I sent her off to college, very costly. She didn't complete the 1st semester and half completed the 2nd semester with bad grades. Then I sent her off to a different school, again costly. She didn't even make it through the 1st semester. So she came home got a job and said she wanted to get her life together. She was doing good so I got her a car and she registered for school. Again dropped out. So she worked off and on and I took the car back due to her breaking our agreement, tough love. So we fought tooth and nail to get her into school AGAIN.... I purchased a house for her and her room mates to live in while they were all in school. And yes I charged her rent that she paid a portion of up front. She never gave me the entire amount because she spent it on frivolous things like head phones. But, I said as long as she is in school. I fixed the house up with the help of my uncle with my own bare hands before I would go to work. I would wake at 6am and go paint, clean, do flooring, back splash, fencing and put in a granite sidewalk. I had to pay her tuition and books this semester. And again, she dropped out without telling me. Btw, she purchased a car with her financial aid that I put in my name for insurance purpose and one of her friends wrecked it. She didn't tell me though. I found out when I received a certified letter from the wrecking company. And I left out that we are southern baptist and my daughter recently came out the closet as bein bi. But my response was you can't help what you like. The straw that broke the camels back was I told her she could stay through march, which she claims she is going to the marines in march. Mind you she is not workkng or going to school. Then I receive a all at 3 in the morning telling me my daughter is stripping at a local ***** club!! That was it!! She hasn't done anything but cause me stress. She has a bad attitude, no gratitude, self centered, no accountability, etc... I told her to pack her stuff and get out and that I'm not her mother anymore. She doesn't care anything about what I think, doesn't appreciate all the hard work and sacrafice. So what's the point? I'm hurt, angry, disappointed, embarrassed, the list goes on... Please help:(

I hope you can work things out. Do you feel that maybe you did too much for your daughter in her late teens? I do not want to or mean to criticize but my daughters father is spoiling her terribly and I wonder about the effects that will have for her in her adulthood. I have met many ungrateful adults who depend on their parents financially but don't respect them.

I have recently be disowned by my mother and it only had to do with money. I was her only child with her first husband, who passed away and left me a sizeable inheritance ,she remarried when I was a teenager and had two children by a second spouse, who is at this moment failing fast in health; I do believe that they all have chose to omit me entirely from their lives because they don't have enough guts to tell me that I am not included in their will. I never expected anything and the pain I feel is great. So sometimes it has nothing to do with the child, but the circumstance.

I am sorry that you were recently disowned by your mother. I was recently disowned by my father, and while the pain is still pretty fresh and great, I know that whatever cards you are dealt in life you were dealt those for a reason and it is up to you to choose to make the best out of life. It might not seem fair, but it is what it is. I was disowned from my father because I failed to invite my grandmother to my daughter's 6 year old birthday party that I had for her friends. There is nothing worse than a child, no matter how old they are, hearing the words, "you are no longer my daughter." Did my father ever love me, I don't think he could have otherwise he wouldn't have done what he did. So there is no such thing as unconditional love, you choose to love who you want. As much as it hurts it is time to move on for me and my daughter.

My mom and I have had a very rocky road... I don't understand and never could understand why she seemed to not like me too much. In her eyes I turned my back on her and I choose other people over her. The fight that broke us completely happened today... In July she asked if she could have our boys for a family reunion. Keep in mind that when she has been around our boys she called our oldest very mean names because he chose to gauge his ears. I told her no they couldn't go with her. Then my husbands parents that the boys have not seen in 3 years bought them plane tickets to visit them... His dad's health has been going down hill. So this led to a fight with my mom. I kept trying to call her and every time we spoke she got more hostile towards me. She informed me today that the sound of my voice alone sends her into rage... I told her I would not call again. She said can't you see what you do to me.. Long story short. She sent out a mass text to all of my siblings and included me so I could read it, telling them that I am dead to her and if anything were to happen to her or my dad I am not welcome there. I can see why her feelings were hurt yes. But she can't see past her anger at me to even try to fix anything. This is who she is... If you don't do what she wants there is hell to pay!! So this is suppose to be my hell. Part of me is relieved because I don't know how to make her happy... And I am really tired of not being enough for her. At some point in life it is just too much crap. So I can't tell you why parents do this... I can only say I am really trying to break a lot of abuse cycles with how we raise our kids.

My mom and I have had a very rocky road... I don't understand and never could understand why she seemed to not like me too much. In her eyes I turned my back on her and I choose other people over her. The fight that broke us completely happened today... In July she asked if she could have our boys for a family reunion. Keep in mind that when she has been around our boys she called our oldest very mean names because he chose to gauge his ears. I told her no they couldn't go with her. Then my husbands parents that the boys have not seen in 3 years bought them plane tickets to visit them... His dad's health has been going down hill. So this led to a fight with my mom. I kept trying to call her and every time we spoke she got more hostile towards me. She informed me today that the sound of my voice alone sends her into rage... I told her I would not call again. She said can't you see what you do to me.. Long story short. She sent out a mass text to all of my siblings and included me so I could read it, telling them that I am dead to her and if anything were to happen to her or my dad I am not welcome there. I can see why her feelings were hurt yes. But she can't see past her anger at me to even try to fix anything. This is who she is... If you don't do what she wants there is hell to pay!! So this is suppose to be my hell. Part of me is relieved because I don't know how to make her happy... And I am really tired of not being enough for her. At some point in life it is just too much crap. So I can't tell you why parents do this... I can only say I am really trying to break a lot of abuse cycles with how we raise our kids.

In the case you are reffering, that man did disown his child. My ex-husband not only disowned his children, but he told them they were not his biological children. It broke their hearts. He also, disowned his parents. I have tried to figure out why as, when we were together, and even years after our divorce he was a good and kind father. I know in your statement, you are right. A parental bond should be unconditional, especially when the children are growing, they need a safe place to fall. I can only assume that he did what he did out of a sense of loyalty to his new wife, and a sense of anger over our divorce that they dormant until she arrived. It is hard for the child, and I feel for your friend. Eventually she must stop sending that birthday card and love others, and stop wasting her love on a man who is too full of anger to love her. The healthy response then, is not why would he do that? but he did it, it was his coice, and I am moving on. Tell her that. Ultimately, it is his loss.

We don't disown our children they disown us. When you spend your life supproting and caring for someone and they tell you and treat you like a piece of ****, when you finally ask, "So, you don't intend to every let me in your life, you basically wish I was dead? " and they say, 'yes' it is time to move on. You can't keep trying to hang-on, support, talk to, wait for, appreciate, or care about. They are no longer your child because they want no part of you. You have to finally say, "Fine, get out of my life, goodbye!"

I can understand that. You have to protect yourself. Thank you for your post.

HI. WHEN I READ YOUR POST, I LIKED WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT A MOTHER'S UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. LOVING THEIR UNBORN CHILD FROM THE WOMB. AS NICE AS THAT SOUNDED, UNFORTANTLY, NOT ALL MOTHERS ARE LIKE THAT. I CAN NEVER REMEMBER A TIME WHEN MY MOTHER EVER EXPRESSED ANY LOVE FOR ME. SHE & MY FATHER, AS WELL AS MY SISTERS, ALL MADE MY LIFE A LIVING HELL. IT WAS A NEVER ENDING NIGHTMARE. I USE TO ASK GOD WHY DID HE BRING ME INTO THIS WORLD? WHY DID HE PUT ME IN A FAMILY THAT HAD NO LOVE & ONLY KNEW HATE.
I FEEL SO ALONE & EMPTY. EVEN THOUGH I'M 45, GOING ON 46, I'M STILL THAT HURTING LOST LITTLE BOY, YERNING TO BE LOVED. I ADMIRE LOVING FAMILIES, I JUST WISH I COULD HAVE BEEN BORN INTO ONE.
YOU MENTIONED OF BEING DISOWNED, WHAT DOES ONE DO WHEN THEY ARE DISOWNED FROM THE WOMB? I AM SO FULL OF PAIN & NO ONE KNOWS HOW MUCH IT HURTS INSIDE. TO BE ALWAYS ALONE. NO FAMILY & NO ONE TO LOVE ME, EXCEPT FOR MY LITTLE DOG. MY HEART ACHES EVERYDAY.

Hi :) Im 20 years old and I have a bit of a problem on my hands. Recently my father disowned me for getting my lips pierced. We have always had a great relationship. We both work together at a family business along with my brother and there's never any arguing but now that he's seen me with my snake bites he's fired me and I might possibly have to move since I've been living at home. He was raised Old Order Mennonite so his values are very different from most people. I can understand his point of view but its really unfortunate that 20 years can be thrown away because of something like this. My mother was angry to but she's still very supportive of me. I've never worked anywhere else in my life and social anxiety doesnt help matters either. I'm just not sure how to procede now that it seems i have to find a new means of finacial support and a place to live. I could use some advice on what to do.. I dont smoke or drink. I'm a very good kid but its all a bit much to handle. This piercing is the only thing i have ever really wanted to do for myself. Please if any one out there could be of some help i would greatly appreciate it.

I see that you siad the piercing is the only thing you wanted to do for yourself. I think it isn't really the piercing, but your independence that led your father to disown you. He would never see that however, but if you do, then you are aware it is a conscious choice to either submit to his will and take it out, or a choice to defend your indepedence. In this situation he is makng your decide. If he was raised Mennonite then there are all sorts of stories about disobedient child in the bible that get disowned for being independent. At 20 it is a tough choice, either you play into his game and return the prodical child, or you choose to grow up and suffer the harsh realities of making it without the aid of your parents as a young adult. Good luck.

I'm 15 and my dad is disowning me and I don't understand what I did wrong, I don't do drugs or anything like that & before I found out I got really good grades (now I get a lot of c's), I just don't understand why I'm no longer a part of the family, I do believe in unconditional love though my mom is my constant support and my 2 year oldhalf sister, I love her to pieces, when my stepmom was holding her & i saw her I knew it's my job to keep her safe even if I'm not her mom I think that is how parents are supposed to feel about their kids. I love my sister so much and I will always be there for her no matter what, if she does drugs or hurts herself I wouldn't just leave her I would get her rehab and counseling and help her I'm supposed to be there so that when she stumbles I catch her that is unconditional love and i don't think ur a parent if u can't love ur child no matter what.

Hey Kiddo,
Don't blame yourself. It sounds like he is having issues with you growing up, and most likely as you are in a blended family there are some status games being played that muck up the works. Stay strong, get good grades for yourself and only yourself. I am glad your Mum is strong. One good parent can go a long way, just make yourself and your goals more important then the quest for his appoval.

I chose to be with my boyfriend who I love, my parents didn't approve him. I didn't listen to them and I went back to my boyfriend. My father told me as long as I'm with my boyfriend, he will continue to see me as non-existed. My boyfriend promised to my father that he loves me and he will work hard for me, my father ignored his promise because they didn't believe in him anymore. It was hard for me to make the decision, I was put on a spot to choose whether to live with my boyfriend or my parents. Oh, I'm the only child btw.I'm 25. 25! I'm doing very well in school(straight A student), going to graduate in 3 months. The relationship with my boyfriend has gotten a lot better ever since the fight between my parents and my boyfriend occurred. And this is not the first time they fought. I just talked to my father on the phone today because it was his birthday. I wanted to be a good daughter (he's in a different state) and at least said happy birthday to him. I debated a long time whether or not to call. My father sounded very cold on the phone and told me he left me a letter at my mom's house, and then he told me to take care. I just had feelings that he is going to tell me that he disowns me in that letter. I'm feeling very stressed, and sad. I'm afraid to read that letter. My parents always threaten me by doing extreme things to get what they want me to do ( that night they said they are coming over to our place to kill my boyfriend, because I refused to move back to my mom's house, I begged for a little more time so they could see my boyfriend is really going to work hard. My boyfriend told my father and uncle that he's aware of if he skips work again I will leave him for good... but my parents said they are ready to go to jail for it - coming over to our home to take me back/ hurt my boyfriend at midnight when we said no, because we both had work and school next day. There is no reason!!! No reason for that at all...) I was speechless. Anyway, I hope this is going to be temporary. I never know. My father is very stubborn and once he made a decision, he will never turn back. But there's no picking sides in this situation. I don't understand, I'm grown and I need to leave the nest, they can't always make decision for me because I'm an adult now. Whether good or bad in the end, it's my decision and I won't regret it. I told them this, they see it as my way to "break up" with them, they thought that I know this relationship is going to be hell but I still decided to jump back in to destroy my life and future.... I'm so sad. My own father told me that I don't qualify to be a human being and I don't deserve to be successful in life because I don't care for their feelings. Because I care that's why it hurt so much. They never know. <br />
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My parents said I'm selfish and I don't care for their feelings. At the same time they said I'm too kind and people take me for granted. They said I'm too kind till the point I'm stupid. I'm really confused. So being kind hearted is wrong too?

My fiance has just been disowned by his entire family and the only reason they give is that he turned his back on them first. It discust's me that they could do this to their own son. All he did was try to grow up and leave the nest to start a life of his own and they say he's no longer Their son just because he didnt come see them as often as they would have liked. He's almost 23! A grown man and has only been gone about 3 months and this is what he gets! His deranged mother needs to get a clue and his father (who has already disowned 2children from a previous marriage not to mention his own parents because they disagreed with his leaving his ex wife for a younger woman) needs to be kicked in the nads till he can't use them as he doesn't deserve to be a father. If that doesn't say something about his parenting skills I don't know what does. I'm almost glad they are gone as I wouldn't want to subject our future children to their. warped standards and scrutiny. I just wish I didnt have so watch the pain my wonderful fiance is going through now. Oh and his mother thought that the way to sort her son's depression when he was a teen was to send him off to Ibiza with his equily depressed friend for 2weeks rather that try and actually help him. And he stayed loyal to her all this time? He should have disowned them! Bunch of good for nothing scum of the earth looses who don't deserve to have children and I really hate them for doing this to him! He was my first love and we have only been together a year and now I am all he has got. And I tell you now I will not abandon him. He is loyal honest. And respectful and a very loving man who always tries to do what's best and I'll stand by him for the rest of my life. Our kids will grow up loved and when its there turn to leave the nest we will stand by and watch them leave but will always be here when they need us. As parents should be. As my parents are.

My step-dad just recently disowned me as well. He said that he's been very disappointed in me & wants nothing to do with me. I realized that I am great & capable of greatness & success with or without his help. To me it's not that sad, it's just unexpected. Since my youth he would belittle me & verbally abuse me & berate me whenever I failed to live up to expectations. He would sometimes beat me as well. My own mother would partake in berating me as well. He said I could choose to have relations with my mother but I don't want anything to do with my mother as well. For years they have both given me so much pressure to perform. Where was the support & love I needed? <br />
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His mother would berate his little brother who didn't get into a top university saying things like he was a disappointment & he brought shame to the family. His brother eventually became the vice-president of that school. What has my step-dad accomplished? Nothing but get into top universities, but nothing else major. <br />
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Who is he to berate me by calling me a failure & loser when comparing me to my brother & cousins? They're not even as half as good as I am or even gotten top grades in school. No matter how good or excellent my grades were nothing ever seemed good enough for him. So I just stopped trying to gain his my mother's approval & just lived my own life the way I wanted to & I was much happier. Even his very own biological daughter isn't good enough for him. Who cares if she's no longer successful as she used to be. As long as she's happy & healthy that's all that matters. Success doesn't always lead to happiness. <br />
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His disownment has propelled me to work even harder for success. At the moment I may be down on my luck, but I'm not a failure or a disappointment. I was made for greatness. I will achieve that greatness someday. Success isn't denied, it's delayed!

*Correction in 3rd paragraph: So I just stopped trying to gain his &amp; my mother's approval &amp; just lived my own life the way I wanted to &amp; I was much happier.

My mom disowns me at least once or twice a year. Normally because she is unhappy and finds reasons to get upset. For instance, for the second time in two weeks I'm being disowned again. I'm 23 years old, and even though she was a good parent for most of my childhood, all I really remember is how easily she can write me off.

My father came from a family that disowns other family. Its sad,really. What is the best way to help him? I'm at a loss for words when it comes to this subject. I couldn't imagine the pain he is going through.

I have a big problem of my own. I'm a mother of 17 yrs old boy. Everytime when we don't want him to do something like going out at night or coming home late at night, he doesn't listen. His excuse is that he studies so hard and now he wants to relax. But we are so concerned about accident or bad things might happen especially at dark. When I insists on not letting him do whatever he wants, he gets extremely upset and uses foul language in my face. I used to cry but now I want to disown him but my husband doesn't agree with me.

We all have expectations. I like to go out late at night as well but try to get home as early as I can. If I had children &amp; I had a son I would be worried as well, but I can't stop him from living his life. Try to soften your approach. Tell him that you love him &amp; if he's going out late at night, to be safe &amp; to call you to let you know he's safe. It should work. Do not disown him. He will probably resent you for the rest of his life.

Your son acts like a typical teenager, and you want to disown him? What is wrong with you?

You don't 'turn off your love like a light switch'. When you disown your child, a big gaping raw wound is left where your heart used to be. The heart got ripped out by a child that simply inflicted that much pain and chaos and misery on you that for your self-preservation and the stability of your home for your other children, you have no choice but to leave them to lead their own lives, praying that you have given them the tools to make a reasonable job of it.

Recently I got disowned from my parents because I told them a biggest lie--I told them I was coming to visit them and I didn't. I sent them emails but they never replied to me. I knew I did something wrong and I understand why they were angry with me but what I don't understand if my father's sister cheated and lied to him all the time in very big matters like she stole my father's estates and some money. I had never done that--I had never stolen money from my parents. But my father still keeps in touch with his sister even though she is a big liar than me but cut off all connections with me. I know what i did was wrong but I think he was unfair. I recently converted to Christianity (I came from a Muslim background family) and all this time, my parents have been attacking me with verbal abuse and my mother said i am the worst kid in the universe and i bring embarrasment to the society. My parents did everything to me--paying for my tuition and sometimes paying for living expenses and I know I did wrong

You did nothing wrong. Your parents are horrible people for doing what they did to you. Forget them. Go out and lead an amazing life, and show those disgusting people that you don't need them in your life.

Recently I got disowned from my parents because I told them a biggest lie--I told them I was coming to visit them and I didn't. I sent them emails but they never replied to me. I knew I did something wrong and I understand why they were angry with me but what I don't understand if my father's sister cheated and lied to him all the time in very big matters like she stole my father's estates and some money. I had never done that--I had never stolen money from my parents. But my father still keeps in touch with his sister even though she is a big liar than me but cut off all connections with me. I know what i did was wrong but I think he was unfair. I recently converted to Christianity (I came from a Muslim background family) and all this time, my parents have been attacking me with verbal abuse and my mother said i am the worst kid in the universe and i bring embarrasment to the society. My parents did everything to me--paying for my tuition and sometimes paying for living expenses and I know I did wrong

Years of trying to be my fathers daughter, standing up for him, defending him against a abusive mom (who has also walked out of my life), and now I am just bring trouble to his family.<br />
Unbelievable, nothing but an honest, loving and supportive daughter ... but now he is onto daughter # 4 ... and he just wants to forget everything we have been through, everything I have done for him, he wants his life to be easier and forget all about his past problems he has caused.<br />
This is so unreal, so hurtful, so making me wonder why I was given such parents ...

My heart goes out to you. I am one of 5 children and despite all my efforts to gain my parents' approval only ever got criticism. putdowns and beatings. Oh the younger twins were such perfect children! It took me a very long time to realize I could never please these people and I simply gave up on them. They then went around my entire circle of acquaintances telling them that they thought I was on drugs (I loathe drugs!) and asking them to please tell me my parents loved me! How very sad. Who needs the kind of love that always finds you wanting?

When I was seeking counselling about my own daughter (see elsewhere on this forum), I was told a story of a widow with two daughters. Upon her father passing away, one moved house to be close to her Mum. She pretty much had her job and own family and household but took on her Mum's too, taking her shopping, cooking for her, cleaning her house, taking her on holidays etc. The other daughter lived in another town, never phoned or wrote or visited but sent a box of chocolates twice a year, once on her Mum's birthday and once at Christmas. All this old woman would ever say about her children was "I have such a lovely daughter, she sends me chocolates". Says it all.

Donnadavid~ You say if u are disowned it means they don't love you. It sounds like they are not capable of loving due to mental health issues. I'm glad you have moved on and focused on your daughter. It sounds healthier for the both of you not to involve them in your life. I'm sorry this had to happen to you.

I have been disowned by my family. It all started when my long lost brother returned after 25 years living abroad. He turned on me after about 6 months. I had done nothing wrong he came to my house a lot at first but was always telling me how well set up I am. Then my mother became I'll Nd I was not Llowed to visit her at the hospital. Again I just could not understand it. I had to insist writing letters. Father ignored me and brother simply disappeared . When mum ame out if hospital I was formally disowned during one last visit where he told me he never wanted to see me again. Apparently I am an uncaring **tch. Mum has mental issues is not well enough to stand up to both Father and brother. Sadly I have left them all to it. My daughter visits she is 16 and is banned from attending family christenings birthday celebrations etc. We have no idea what we have done wrong but all this coincided with my brothers decision to disown me. He came back from abroad penniless and I have been told he is seriously jealous of my success in life as I have a good job. I have decided to let my brother do what he has to do, let my parents get on with it and focus on my own daughter who is a wonderful person. They have missed out on us but we do not miss the abuse. I was always treated like I wasn't good enough and have decided to let go. I would never disown my daughter as I love her. It is sad but if you are disowned it means they don't love you.

ChrisinMissouri...I have heard stories similar to yours because I have quite a few gay friends. Unfortunately, there is no easy way to open hearts and minds of family members that are judgmental. You cannot force them or convince them to accept you and your partner with open arms. What you can do is surround yourself with people who do accept, love and care for you. Don't necessarily cut ties completely with your family. I would continue to send cards, invite them to gatherings and don't give them the satisfaction of blaming their lack of participation on you.

This is very much something I am struggling with right now. I am an adult gay male who is currently being disowned by my family simply because I am gay. I am a teacher and work with kids every day at an urban school. I simply don't understand why people choose to disown their own flesh and blood. About two years ago my father found out I was gay and told me to never come home again, never call, and never write again. My mother supported him in this decision as well as my sister. After about a year when I had an accident and was put in the hospital my father and mother decided to come around because life got serious. This year I decided it was time to come out to the rest of my family. When I did I was so happy they all accepted me except my father now wants nothing to do with me again because I have somehow disgraced him and once again my mother is sitting idly by and not intervening in the slightest bit. My sister and I are done because according to her its ok if I'm gay as long as I never mention it around her or tell her any details about my life. After 4 years of being with my wonderful partner she still will not meet him and can't remember his name. I'm really trying to do the adult thing here and just put distance between myself and them emotionally but my grandmother died a few years back on Christmas day so it makes things so hard on me. Anyone out there have any words of advice other than the idea of washing my hands of them altogether?

i believe in unconditional love, but I believe some people are not capable of loving anyone. When my sister was 16 my mom disowned her and my parents got divorced. She was my mom's kid but my dad adopted her when she was six when they got married he still talked to her. Then my parents got remarried and my sister and my mom started talking again then they were best friends. I was always the ignored child. My boyfriend moved in with me and my parents when I was 16 and when I was 18 they kicked us both out and quit talking to us and my sister and her family. My dad wants to talk to us but cant because he is with my mother. She never loved us she only wanted stuff from us...

My dad is a total arse he has disowned all of his kids and now he has done the same to me hes just a small minded lonley old man now and none of us want to no. He thinks he controlls everything even my mum who just cant walk away from him and side with him all the time my parents discust me and they are not worthy of having children they sit there and critasis young people who have kids but I bet none of them woud do what my parents have done small minded priks who I am happy to say have nothing to do with me anymore

Trios...I have so much empathy for you, my father tossed me to the curb when I decided to live my own life, and he lost control of me. He also forced my sisters to choose between him and I. Of course, they sided with him. To this day, I can honestly say I have always been kind to all of them. <br />
He doesn't even know his grandaughters. Some days the hurt is unbearable.<br />
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My best advice to you is to is to surround yourself with good and positive people. Life is too short to dwell on the past. We are all worthy of love. Its their loss, not yours. Sending lots of positive energy your way.

zenoah1....I completely understand removing toxic people from your life. Unfortunately, your toxic person happens to be your child. I cannot imagine having to make that decision and I feel terribly for you.

I love both my children dearly. Both are adults now but its been a rough ride. My daughter has completely torn my family apart. It started when she was 13. Drugs, lying stealing.. we counciled with her for many years and she did end up in a Juvenile detention center for nearly 4 years. She has had every opportunity placed at he feet for help. She even had a clear sailing for University but she threw it all away. She still does drugs and she uses people and manipulates people horribly. I can't take anymore. That is how simple it is. I feel like I'm in danger of losing my mind if I allow her near me a moment longer. I'm done. I will not be held responsible for her any longer. I disown her.. and if you think it is something that is easily done .. you are mistaken because it isn't.

I was disowned because my mother saw my father doing something to his adopted granddaughter. She didn't tell me exactly what she saw, but she made it seem like it was abuse. She refused to tell the girl's mother. I gave my mom time to tell the girl's mother, but she didn't. I thought that the girl's mother deserved to know, so I told her. Now my whole family has disowned me because the family's reputation may be ruined because they're being investigated for child abuse. Of course, these are the same people who turned a blind eye to my abuse and even went so far as punishing me because of what someone else in the family did to me. They never reported him and the abuse that happened to me got worse as the years went by because he knew that he'd never get reported. I'm kind of glad they saved me the trouble of disowning them. They demonized me for doing what is right. OH, and here's the kicker, not long ago, a similar thing happened in another family, and everyone in my family said that the cops should be told, the girl's parent's should be told, and the judge and jury should decide. But if it's a family member, those same rules don't apply. Go figure. Do I believe in unconditional love? No. My parent's favorite was my abuser. The one that ran away, did drugs, stole from them, abused me... and he's their favorite. Meanwhile, I'm smart and hardly ever do anything wrong beyond being inconvenient because I told my parents about my abuse. Should I even worry about what these people think? No.

that's awful. some people are 2 stubborn, some people are confused about reality and some people are just born evil...its unfortunate. screw them anyways, i guess u gotta take the bad with the good, if there's one thing i've learned is don't rely on others...unless you've built the right level of trust in them...there are good people out there

I was disowned by my parents in 2006, although I'm puzzled as to what I did wrong. I tried to be perfect, but of course, nobody is perfect. I was told that I am an embarrassment and my mother wrote me a final letter and told me that she should have aborted me and that I would do everyone a favor by committing suicide. I think maybe it has to do with that I'm not that smart... I'm not good with numbers and my mother worships numbers. My father is an alcoholic and my mother has always been "cold" towards me. I remember once boldly asking her for a hug when I was 13 (my best friend shot himself and died) and she slapped me across the face and told me "people don't go around hugging and kissing each other!" To this day I never got a single hug or kiss, no "i love you's", none of that. I guess I was just made defective. Even though I know I'm better off without them anyways, it hurts to know that the very people that are supposed to love you don't care about you at all. I got married and had a child, sent them invitations, pictures, letters talking about how well I was doing and even sent an email asking for a recipe, just any sign that they would respond. Nothing. Do I believe in unconditional love? No, I don't. I know that I unconditionally love my daughter and my husband, but I worry that one day they will throw me away just like my parents did. So, I believe I am capable of unconditional love, but don't believe that I am worthy of receiving it. Sorry this is so long.

We gave our children everything - love, exotic vacations, designer clothes, private schools, ivy league universities, new cars, home downpayment and on and on. We did it gladly because they were good kids and generally behaved (did the normal kid stuff) - never sensed unhappiness. Immediately upon graduation from college, both left us (moved to another state) and basically said we are horrible parents and want us out of their lives. We were told that we are not welcome in their home and that we are "sick" and need help. We never saw this coming and are completely in shock. All my wife and I have left are memories and tuition payments. We are speaking with a counselor and she said we did nothing wrong. They have disowned us. <br />
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All was precipitated by marriage arrangements for the one daughter. My wife asked if we could stay with her in her home the night before the wedding so we could spend one last night together as a family- we would go along with all other plans she wanted. She told my wife at that time that she wasn't liked or wanted. Shocked, completely shocked. We will never understand this.

I disowned my Princess eldest daughter in 2006, when she was 23 years old and already married. I have been a single parent since she was 3 years old and despite my best efforts at maintaining her relationship with her father (who worked abroad so expensive flights during school holidays), when she was 10 he told her 'he couldn't take the stress any more'. Despite my pleading and begging, this was the last we ever heard from him. When he and I separated, I was left with a mortgage and a 3 year old and no job - in a foreign country. I set up a business and stayed afloat, giving my child my all. Despite our very precarious financial situation, I managed to give her everything (and more) other children had: horse riding, brownies, birthday parties, a stable home and a doting mother. I even fought for her right to adequate education and won her a scholarship at a posh public school. We were very close. Then one day, when she 16, the closeness was gone. The radiance from her eyes had gone. She became an egocentric, dissatisfied, callous, uncaring girl, obsessed with designer clothing and other expensive luxuries. She stole from me. Having promised to babysit her little sister (11 years younger) so I could attend a job interview, she simply disappeared. She trod all over me at every opportunity. This continued for the next 7 years. While at uni, she plundered my savings without a thought that I needed that money to look after her sister. She got married in Mexico and when I arrived there - for her sake - she treated me like an unwelcome spare part while waiting hand and foot on her (wealthy) in-laws. The straw that broke the camel's back was one fateful evening when daughter 2 @ 12 and I came to London to visit her and her husband. She was supposed to have booked us a B&amp;B but hadn't. We tried to organize something else affordable but no joy. She then calmly threw us out at 10 in the evening, knowing we had no money and nowhere to go. No-one but no-one has ever slapped me in the face like that! There is no precedent in my family, nor in her upbringing, that justifies or even condones such rudeness and coldheartedness. So I waited for 3 days to let my anger subside, then sent her an e-mail "consider yourself an orphan".

I consulted a number of shrinks and counsellors about my daughter. One told me she was a narcissist - a person with no conscience and no understanding of the harm they inflict. She is now 28 and pregnant. She has asked for me to be back in her life. She and husband, however, keep blaming me 'for all I've done to her' - still without any recognition of what she/they did to us. Nor of the wedge she drove between me and the little one. My rejection of her - the perfect one - meant I was clearly mad so she reported me to social services, bringing untold stress into our lives. She slandered me to the little one who started to repeat her sister's disrespectful words and attitude to me. Though we supposedly settled this matter in a long and serious talk, the phrase keeps coming up 'everything I have done to her'. Now I understand that she indeed has a personality disorder including bulimia. She seems like an empty shell compared to the warm loving daughter I once had. She rarely leaves the house, sleeps all the time, seemingly has no friends and no support other than her husband who is still egging her on not to have me in her life. I just don't know what to do. This child broke me. I know she does not have it in her to love me back any more. What should I do?

That's a really sad story, can't blame u 4 ur actions tho. it sounds more like you've given up on her than disowned her..it sounds like if she changed her tune and at least became civil and respectful of you that you'd welcome her back with open arms. at any rate, kudos 2 u for everything you've gone through and keeping your chin up:)

my parents disowned me and my sister 19 years ago and haven't even met their 3 grandchildren, and have never even have sent as much as a Christmas card--just hate mail. I was an honor student--i even got custody of my sister. my father was abusive physically, emotionally and mentally and my mother has abused wife syndrome who never took up for her kids. These people are sick--especially my father. It's very sad not to have parents and to not have a support system when you are raising your own kids, and the scars of the past are definitely there, but my life is much healthier without these trashy scumbags.

I believe in unconditional love. My mom recently kicked me to the curb (at 50) because I won't side with her over an incident with my son and his new wife. Wow - what a wake up call. I was fine with the position "you had an incident with my son, but that is not me"-but she wants me to disown him I guess and it ain't gonna happen. It is a shame your mom like mine is so insecure that they can't live and let live-no they have to control it all. Their way or the highway. With my boys (2 of them in their late 20s) I find giving them space to live their life a good thing. I love watching them grow and establish their own unique lifestyle with their wives. They are productive, good people and I am proud to be their mom. Good luck with your situation, maybe this is a temporary thing. Bottom line - it is your life, strive for your dreams, achieve and if your family still denies you-that is their sorry mistake. Glad to hear you have support with the bf.

I believe in Unconditional Love! But recently my mom called me up at work and told me that they (my parents) were done with me and to have a nice life!<br />
Now back story is Im their 22yr old daughter who has moved out with my bf and struggling through to finish college. And I dont communicate with my parents on a regular basis. Last time I saw them both was on Mother's day. I live about an hour and half away and just dont pick up the phone enough for them. When I was old enough to drive and work I got a phone and was told to call everytime I left work or went to lunch or if I was on a date to call when I got there, call when if we were going to a movie or different resturant and call when i was leaving. At the time I was 17-18 and just wanted independence. I never disobeyed my parents, hell I even paid rent when we had the "so you want to be treated as an adult" convo. I moved out completely with my boyfriend in Feburary. I email them once in a while...they helped us move to a new place. But I dont call enough for them to know everything that is going on in my life or theirs! Is this really enough to "be done" with a child? Lack of communciation is normal between children and parents. All parents that Ive known have gotten mad about their child (my friend) not talking to them enough. What do I do? To me this seems childish and just plain hurtful. I hurt their feelings so theyre going to hurt mine! Seems like schoolyard kid crap to me. I hurt your feelings so now we arent friends and Im not going to talk to you. Right now I feel heartbroken and angry. I also feel sad for my lil sister who has to put up with all the bad talk about me. And honestly I have distanced myself for selfish reasons....but I still love them and even wrote them a letter telling them I want them in my life, for my future wedding, children...before mom called me up and told me to "have a nice life!" Cant say that it will be nice without them! My bf is very understanding and has talked to me rationally about the subject. Thank god for him!!!

People have to remember that parents are people first and parents second.<br />
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The fog that surronds a childs view of their parents often clears when the child becomes an adult themselves.<br />
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As adults (parents and grown children) people sometimes distance them selves for the stupidess reasons (to us)<br />
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Back toy your question _ DO I belive in uncondtitional love? Absolutely!

I could not say it better than you have.

My daughter is the middle child I love all my children ...but she is special now my baby is having a baby and it is overwhelming...people tell her all the time that she was always the princess now ...she won't be number 1...But i tell her she will always be number 1 with me...we also had a foster baby in our home for 3 months...Guess i feel in Love with this kid...wife would sleep I will get up when he rolled over watched him during the day and rocked him to sleep every night...so I love children in general...not just mine like some people i have know ..but I probably would love your kids also...the kids I know that have kids of their own still drop them by to say hello..because of the love we have shown them

My husband has two daughters, neither of which are in his life. One he didn't even know about till she was 1 and he has never met her. Her mother doesn't want him in her life because she has since married and the little girl knows her husband to be her father. My husband did however try to see her on several occasions, however the mother would never show up. His other daughter was in his life from the time she was born until she was almost 3. He was actually married to her mother. However, Nicole, (his ex wife) did everything in her power to make it impossible for my husband to see his daughter. We'd show up to pick up Hailie (his daughter) for a visit and she'd send whoever was her latest boyfriend out to "beat him up". She would also pick up and move and not tell him where they were living. We eventually ran out of money from constantly taking her to court for visitation. He is now in the process of signing over his parental rights to both children. He hasn't seen Hailie since memorial day, 2005 and does not even know if she still lives in the same state. It's hard for him, but we just cannot afford the legal assistance that is required for him to see her.