I am still confused by my adoptive parents and how they have reacted to us, their adopted daughters. Sadly one of the stories that my adoptive dad usually likes to brag about is how his wife, my adoptive mother, was found to be unable to bear kids. Since it was a dream of hers to have children, he allowed her to adopt the three of us while also taking in foster kids. But if they so really loved us, why did they do what they did to us?
When I was growing up, my adoptive dad had so much plans for me. Many of these plans ended up including a college of some sort as I was the smart one in the family who would probaby make it their. There were so much more discussions and dreams but they were shattered at the beginning of that hot summer in 2005, my senior year.
That whole schoolyear had just been a farce, a living nightmare while my adoptive father kept bringing up tough love. He had decided that he couldn't stand living with all of us so as soon as I graduated, he was going to return me to Ottawa even though I had no place to go. And each time he told me this, he would start mumbling about tough love.
And it was tough love that found me as I laid in the bottom bunk at the shelter, peering at the words that had been scrawled by others before me. My mind couldn't seem to wraparound why I was here, why they could be so cruel as to leave me like this and why it had to be me. There were also the various loops of my broken dreams, taunting and sneering at me from the darkest edges of my mind thus the tears came without command.
Even now I have asked of my stepmom what it was that allowed them to send me off like they did. I tried to bring up the fact that it was dangerous for a girl to be on the streets, all the problems that she faced and why were they never worried for me. To put it bluntly, she told me they had always known that I would survive unlike my sisters.
And still I cannot understand how that was warrant enough for their actions, how they could allow all of our dreams to shatter as they did and how they could push me so completely from the nest. Even now my heart shivers with quiet rage, it aches with the loneliness that I suffered from my own parents and it's confused still with how they could do this even as it tries to forgive them for their part....