A Letter To You....

Dear you,
Why do you hurt me so much? Can you not see the hurt you cause when you say things you don't mean and the fact you don't keep to your word?
I am SO lonely. But I don't think you realise that. I think you have a different image of me in your head, of a young 25 year old girl who is out partying of a weekend, who has a lot of friends, maybe a boyfriend and who is happy and carefree.
But this isn't me. The reality is, I have NO friends except you, no partner, I still live at home because I can't afford to move out, I have no social life and I feel depressed every day. I feel worthless and scared and desperate every day. Yet I can't tell you as you might not want to know me anymore.
I think of you as like an auntie figure even though you cause me a lot of hurt. I love your children like they were my family. I love you like family but I often feel you don't deserve that love and loyalty. I feel so much protection towards you and have supported you through your mothers death yet I feel it means nothing to you. Yes, you shower me with a lot of affection and kind words but you are like that with everyone so I never know if you feel any differently towards me. Like do I actually mean something to you?
You say you love me quite a lot but again, is that just something you say generally to a lot of people?
You are everything I want to be. You are beautiful, confident, rich, you live in an amazing house, you look fantastic for your age, have a good job and are popular. You also have a lot of family and friends. I don't think you understand loneliness and as much as it hurts me to say it, I feel you would look down on me if you knew the truth about me.
I hate it when you said you would text me after my dental treatment and then you didn't bother. That hurt me so much as it felt like you just couldn't be bothered and that I am not on your mind. If the roles were reversed, I would have got in touch with you as soon as I could because I care so much. It makes me feel like a fool as I can see I am giving you so much but I am not getting much back.
I have known you for years and when times were good, you made me feel confident and beautiful inside with the way you treated me. Now I am not so sure about you, especially as you let your boss harass me and sat back and did nothing as well as all the other little incidences throughout the years.
Your children adore me and I adore them and I cling onto that. But it does hurt me so much that I can't work out what I mean to you and that at times we seem really close and at other times it is like we are merely work colleagues who have known each other for years but aren't that close. I never know where I am with you and worry it is me doing something wrong.
I so desperately need you to be there and to be in my life but sometimes I just can't handle the hurt and feel that at times, it may be better if you are just not in my life.
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Apr 30, 2011