My Mother

I dont understand how my dyeing mother could actually sit there and be so cruel towards me. I walked into her room in the hospital, I was so nervous. I had a feeling in my stomach that I shouldnt be there, I should of listen to that feeling.. I sat down beside her bed. She turned and looked at me with a confused look on her face.

I started to talk, I said, " Over the years you have never showed me love, I always felt hate from you. I can not remember one time that you hugged me and told me that you love me. I have came a long way to see you, you are that important to me. I need to do this or I wont be able to live with myself. I am sorry for everything, I am sorry that I didnt try harder to have a relationship with you. I am sorry that I turned out just what you thought I would be. I sorry that you couldnt see the good things about me. I want you to know that I forgive you for all the times that you put your hands on me, for the times that you pushed me away when I needed you the most, and for all the verbal and emotional abuse. You dont have to apologize for anything. Most of all I came here to tell you that I love you, and I dont care if you dont love me. I want to thank you for giving me life. "

Her EXACT words, " You little *****, you think just because I am dying that I want to see your pathetic self. I maybe sick but that wont stop me from beating your *** one last time, you are not my daughter and I dont want you forgiveness or love. I want you to get the **** out of my room and never come back. I could of died without seeing you again, and I would of been one happy mother ******."

I replied with," I knew this would happen, I just thought since you are facing death you would realize what you have done and want forgivness but I was so ******* wrong. I also came here to tell you that I am having a baby, which would be you first grand child. But I guess you arent going to claim it, and I am glad that my child wont know what kind of person you are. I hope you rot in hell"

Her, " Oh you got pregnant for a complete loser, what was he your drug dealer? Yeah I knew it, have fun raising a little crack baby. Now I want you to turn around a walk the **** out of that door right over there."

I am sitting here wondering what the **** to do next, I want to get high so bad. Once again I let her get to me, and she got me so close to a relapse. I just need to leave this god awful place, but my ticket isnt for 2 days. I have tried to change the day of the ticket but they said I cant. I am just going to lock myself in this ******* hotel room and not leave till the day I am going to get on that plane back to california.
imperfectbeauty imperfectbeauty
18-21, F
2 Responses May 13, 2012

You should be really proud. You did this, and you did it because you felt you should do this. You did it even knowing what the response would be. You did a great thing for yourself and your baby.<br />
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Don't get high, please don't. There is no way back, if you get high over this, and you know it.<br />
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Sigh... It's sad that she responded such, but you will learn as you get older forgiveness in such cases means not bringing up the past, mentioning her hate toward you... but just telling them you love them and being silent... you did try to end the fight before she passed... that is really all you can do.